Thursday, May 19, 2011

Google: Pry Harder

Most people are going around these days fretting about their privacy, but I think we should take a closer look at how we can benefit from total intrusion. For example, how many times have you gotten stuck because Google has no link to crucial, personal information, like the name of that kid who lives across the street? Not the oldest one, but the younger one with the freckles. See… Google can’t help you with this. You are going to have to go over there and ask. Then, that kid’s dad is going to get ticked off because you can’t even remember his kid’s name. You were at the kid’s birthday party last week for Christ’s sake. It seems like you would remember the name. The name is part of the whole song. It was written right there on the cake. Maybe if you didn’t show up drunk because you think kid’s parties are loud and annoying, you might remember.

However, life does not have to be this complicated. If Google had taken a little more initiative when they took a picture of this guy’s house for their street finder, they would have knocked on the door and asked the kid’s name. Then you wouldn’t have to look like an asshole who doesn’t care about people.

Google could also be implemented to resolve difficult social situations. Let’s say you invited a friend to dinner. Let’s call him Bob and let’s say you asked him to bring over a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine is a completely reasonable request. However, there is a high possibility that Bob could arrive at your doorstep, late, angry, with no wine, and holding a rack of lamb. As perplexed as you are, you know asking any questions about this situation is going to lead to a long story. Rather than spend lots of time dealing with unresolved lamb issues, you would quickly Google “rack of lamb” and Bob’s name. Google would then reveal that Bob’s mom, who bought the rack of lamb, is his Bob’s dad’s second wife. Referencing Wikipedia, you find that Bob’s dad left his first wife to marry a much younger Tiffani who often buys expensive cuts of meat which she will have no idea how to prepare. You would have remembered this if you had less wine the last time Bob came over and told you his entire family history, but let’s face it, the wine is the only way you were able to sit through that conversation in the first place.

This t-shirt is the first step to an information revolution. We are on the cusp of a brave new world: one in which it is a lot easier to figure out the name of that guy at the office with the odd haircut who makes his own hot sauce.


  1. And here I was being appreciative that facebook tells me when people's birthdays are!

    I need this in my life. Also that thing where you take a picture of a monument and google tells you what it is? I need that for faces of coworkers.

  2. Why is there always a guy who makes his own hot sauce?? God, I thought this was a phenomenon only in my life. Also, I have a friend who brings me her leftovers when I invite her to dinner. As though I want to eat her three-day-old, half-eaten sponge cake. Which I kind of do, but still.

  3. heh heh i love that wicapedia gets in on it too.

  4. now I'm thoroughly confused because the freckled one who answered the door does NOT look like the one trying to corral three toddlers into the mini van and buckle them in for the long drive back to northern Utah for the southern city.

  5. dammit, wrong script, I typed from next weeks instead of last week.


    According to Google, the only meat a strict Vegetarian will eat is Lamb. So this post was really one of those "gotcha" posts. The reader thinks they are cluing in on some "secret" details, but the things is (if you remember from my big fat greek wetting) the things is lamb is the meet served to vegetarians.

    So let this be a warning to all readers, contrary to this post you really should NOT assume 1)she eats meat 2)ssssssshe's a vegetarian or 3) Bob is an idiot and doesn't know either if neither her mom or her mom's mom was at the party because he never whent in. Side

  6. Tova: I think you are on to something here. This is how we will make our millions!! (or be sued for privacy infringement)

  7. Erin: Just to clarify, does dessert still count as leftover if you sneak a few bites in the car on the way over? (asking for a friend)

  8. This is what Facebook is for. Duh.

    You are using the internet wrong.