Monday, August 8, 2011

What we can all learn from Shark Week

For those of you unaware, last week was Shark Week on Discovery Channel. For me, it is the first week of the rest of my life in which I will never go to a beach again. Aside from this, there is more we can take away from shark week other than a great deal of sympathy for those cute and ultimately doomed baby seals.

First of all, I cannot express firmly enough how important it is during Shark Week to be aware of your culinary choices. For example, cherry pie may seem like a great desert choice, until you are looking down at it noticing how similar in color it is to a severed human leg. If you are on a diet, this could work to your advantage.

More food to avoid serving during televised shark attack re-enactments is jelly donuts. This was a tip sent via twitter by @ToMotherNature. I tend to agree that jelly donuts are the worst possible food choice for Shark Week. Armed with this knowledge, I may have to invite people over now for a nice little Shark Week brunch.

My facebook friend Debbie (aka @debihen), suggests serving minced meat pie for Shark Week. I tried to act on her suggestion, but could not find this particular pie premade at the grocery store. I will only eat pies that are pre-made at the grocery store. I will also eat pies other people have prepared. On further reflection, my issues with pie seemed to be tied in more to the aspects of preparation than the eating. Did you come here to read about my issues with pie? Probably not, but it is clearly too late now.

Right now you are most likely regretting the fact that you have just wasted several seconds of your day reading a slightly ridiculous shark blog entry about pie.  Allow me to console you. One important premise we can take away from Shark Week is that your day could always be worse. No matter what kind of day you are having, it would be infinitely more terrible with a shark chewing on one of your limbs. I suggest we all take a moment this instant to be grateful we are not currently being attacked by sharks.

You don’t even have to stop at sharks when applying this principle to your daily life.  You can always, for instance, be grateful for not being trampled by stampeding cattle.  Debbie considers “shark attacks, killer bee attacks, and fire ant attacks” as further reasons to appreciate your amazing ability to go about your day unimpeded.  In fact, she recommends you use these examples while creating your “NOT to do list.”

Of course, this premise can only be taken so far. If you are dying of a drug overdose, then a shark attack wouldn’t seem so bad in the whole scheme of things. Allow me to take a moment to convey my heartfelt sympathy to anyone currently suffering a drug addiction and simultaneous shark attack. Your day could not possibly get any worse… at least not without fire ants.

Reading these blogs, you could get the idea I don't know any real people. Just so you know, I do know actual live individuals and not just twittery-facebook ones. However, the actual real people in my proximity always want me to do things like go to cattle stampedes or shark-infested beaches. Plus, I have the sneaking suspicion that they do not exist. How can I prove people are really there if I am not looking right at them? For all I know, they could dissolve the second I look away. Or, as @whejas suggests, if I have failed to previously imagine them. If I know you in person and you are not existing right now, this means I have failed you. I’m sorry.

This post seems to have wandered a bit off topic. To wrap things up, here are a few things we can all learn from Shark Week:
  1. Be grateful for things you are not currently being attacked by
  2. Remember to exist when no one is looking right at you

I hope you have found this helpful.


  1. While trying to find out just what is a mincemeat pie, I came across a recipe that says the prep time is 73 hours. So I understand your reluctance to make one.

    Usually a project of that length would, for me, involve power tools of some kind. There may be some in the recipe, I didn't read the whole thing.

    Happy belated Shark Week.

  2. For the record, I have never ate mincemeat pie, but clearly it was invented for events like "Sorry that shark ate your leg" or "Here's hoping that hideous swelling recedes fast from the fire ant attack" parties. Shark week teaches us to punch a shark in the face if we are attacked. I say stay the he'll outta their territory and this ELIMINATES your chances of shark attack completely. Come on people, this isn't rocket science...stay out of the water!

  3. OMG! who spends 73 hours making PIE?? That is awesome! We just learned more from your comment than from my entire blog.

  4. Now I'm thinking I need to go in the water to get away from the ants. And the mincemeat.

  5. "Remember to exist when people aren't looking at you."

    Weirdly enough I have this tattooed on my back. Looking back this wasn't the best place to put it given that I very rarely check out my own lower spine. So instead I've taken to shouting really loudly sounds whenever I find myself without eyes on me as a way of reminding myself. Very tiring when I live on my own... Also very annoying for my neighbours, I'm beginning to receive hate mail.

  6. OMG! I TOTALLY forget to remember to exisit while no one was looking! Do I still exisit then? Crap. I'm going to have to go run around my block screaming until someone stops me and asks me what the issue is. Hopefully they'll see me.

    On another note. I am a pastry chef. I actually really love store bought pies. But I like to make pretty cakes more then time-labor pies. So yeah. I think I'll make a shark eating pie for my next cake. I'll send you a picture. :-D

    PS. I know I'll one day die by shark. I have no idea why. But yeah. I know it will happen. It does not keep me out of the water though...

  7. I am just continually impressed at the amount of new and/or revamped footage Discovery has on sharks. I mean, I could see this thing last maybe a couple years, but Shark Week has become a National Treasure.

    And yet, these assholes don't give us at the very least a Wallaby Day. It could even be a Wednesday for a nice alliteration.

  8. Do Wallabies attack people with sharp teeth? If so... let's get those guys on the Discovery Channel!

  9. I can't refrain from quoting Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes: "The amazing thing about life is that no matter how bad things look it can always get worse."

  10. No one should EVER refrain from quoting Calvin and Hobbes.