Saturday, July 30, 2011

How to Survive a Wasteland Apocalypse

How will you survive wandering through a barren wasteland? We all live in dread of zombie apocalypse but what if the imminent danger lies in fresh water diluting the Gulf Stream because of sunspots? This doesn’t even have a good ring to it. Plus, we don't even get to kill zombies.

This past weekend, my dad was talking about Britain freezing over and everyone starving not being able to grow food. I realize that I don't watch the news, but you would think something like Britain freezing over would have somehow made itself apparent. Now I am thinking, "Damn, did I miss the apocalypse?"

Then, Dad tells me to read this book. Most of the books he recommends are history books, so I was a little taken aback to realize this one was not history book, but rather a graphic and catastrophic description of our near future. I am reading along as this guy discusses sunspots and water salinity; suddenly, I turn the page and entire continents are frozen over with everyone fighting each other for food.

I know what you are thinking, “Oh, MY continent wouldn’t freeze.” Well, as it turns out, even if your particular continent is not frozen over, you are still screwed. All the people on non-frozen continents are going to be in desert wastelands with no water, also fighting for food.

To make matters worse, I read all this right before going to bed. Not a good idea. Needless to say, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. in a panic attack, trying to figure out how long we have before I take the family out rummaging through the city dump for a toothbrush because no one can manufacture them anymore.

Being the reasonable person that I am, I decided to take matters into my own hands and consult a panel of experts on how to best handle the matter. My panel of wasteland survival experts was carefully chosen based on strict qualifications. The most important of these qualifications was being on Twitter during my terror-induced insomnia.

According to Twitter Wasteland Apocalypse Panel expert, @lahikmajoe, “For the food scarce wasteland, it’s best to train. Scheming is also a plus.” This logic seems fairly solid; therefore, I have broken down the basic steps to surviving wasteland apocalypse into two stages, planning and scheming.

Stage One: Planning

1. Start stashing creamed corn under your bed. I cannot overemphasize that you need to start this step IMMEDIATELY. In a barren wasteland where people are fighting for food, this stuff will be like gold. Panel expert @daralynnieloo recommends Twinkies, because, “They never ever go bad and there are like a zillion of them.” However, the main flaw in this food choice is that if you have cartons of Twinkies under your bed, you, or someone you know, might be tempted to eat them. This will NEVER happen with creamed corn.

2. Go to Germany to buy wasteland insurance. @lahikmajoe, told me for a fact that “in Germany, one can get wasteland insurance. It’s all very practical.” @lahikmajoe… Please let us know when your insurance company starts handing out the creamed corn. We may need to get a head start on this thing.

3. Select a wasteland appropriate pet. What kind of pet should you have for a wasteland apocalypse? I know you are thinking hobos, but hobos will do you no good in this situation. They actually like creamed corn and will thus use up all your resources. You need a pet that will ideally help you find food and defend your castle. (Yes, we will all be getting castles, details forthcoming).

According to panel expert @AgentDragonFly, pet selection of the future is about “whose pet can destroy other people and bring their food to YOU.” She also has a groundbreaking theory that “bringing pterodactyls back would be helpful.”  They are in fact, “the birds of the tomorrow, but yesterday.”

I know you are all set to order some pterodactyl eggs on, but before you act too hastily, I must let you know that there is some contention on this issue.  @daralynnieloo, is adamant that, “Dinosaurs would be HORRIBLE pets.” She has done some research in this area and referenced a movie called Jurassic Park. It seems to have ended badly, mainly because of velociraptors.

However, pterodactyls are birds. Everyone knows that birds make good pets. You almost never see any movies about birds lingering around, waiting to peck people's eyes out. So the main point of contention must be the velociraptors. Can a velociraptor be trained as a post apocalypse pet? @AgentDragonFly insists that the urge to track and kill humans can be mediated through medication. However, I know people on medication who would still poke your eye out as soon as look at you. Maybe it’s all about the dosage.

Stage Two: Scheming

Wasteland apocalypse is a problem easily solved through social media. Social media is the new solution for everything. As soon as you hear on the news that the wasteland apocalypse has started, everyone grab all your creamed corn and go to your nearest Medieval Times Castle.  (You have pretend castles in Germany, right, @lahikmajoe? Oh, yeah… you have REAL ones. Good luck with that.)

Together, we will storm the castle.  You might be worried that your skill level at storming castles is below par, but there is no reason for concern. There will be knights in armor coming at you, but I have seen these guys in action. Everyone they kill gets up again a few minutes later when they think no one is looking.

Now that you have the basic survival steps for the upcoming wasteland apocalypse, you probably want to do more. You yearn to unite through social media on important issues so your significant other will quit rolling their eyes when you mention wasteland apocalypse pterodactyl pets.  Lucky for you, I have listed a few ways below in which you can contribute to the overall plan based on your unique talents of either planner or schemer.


You can be key in settling the velociraptor pet controversy. @daralynnieloo‘s apprehension lies in the fact that they are incredibly smart, they jump really high, open doors and steal snacks out of vending machines, all without opposable thumbs, thus making velociraptor the “#1 scariest animal.” And also they eat people. On the other hand, @AgentDragonFly insists they can be trained, much like a T-Rex, or a pit bull.

Your task as a planner is to explain how velociraptors will make good/horrifying pets for the wasteland apocalypse. If you are going to claim they make good pets, you must substantiate your claim by explaining how you will get them to not eat us.


We are currently taking suggestions for alternate fortresses we can take over by force. Medieval Times has beer on tap and lots of room for the pterodactyls to fly around, but if you’ve got a better suggestion… let’s have it.


  1. Google headquarters. Have you seen the stuff they have in there? Plus, you know, apples. Scurvy is gonna be large during an apocalypse.

  2. I think it's short-sighted to shoo those hobos away too early.

    And I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes, but up until the apocalypse actually happens, your hobo'd be an excellent schemer. There must be a way to get the most out of him up until the moment of truth.

    See, my scheming has no limits either.

    I also think getting rid of all the labels on the canned food would serve multiple purposes. Not only would potential looters be unsure what was in the cans, but later when you actually got round to actually opening them, it'd be like your birthday and Christmas wrapped into one occasion.

    I might need to comment on the rest of it at a later date. The cans in my Wasteland Cellar need delabeling.

  3. you know, I'm a "might" worried about the bird theory.....I mean....have you seen "The Birds?" by Alfred Hitchcock?

  4. This is EXTREMELY valuable information, that I suggest everyone bookmark.....
    Creamed Corn vs. Twinkies.....I vote Creamed Corn--- because more nutrious??, and as mentioned no one will be tempted to eat unless you HAVE to--- But the Twinkies do have a good point in the way that they supposedly never go bad.
    Ok....regarding Pterodactyl pets....HUGE plus in the world of tomorrow....I NEVER said Velociraptros were trainable.....I said 'possibly' w/ medication....I did say T-Rexs seem trainable.....
    Also....@daralynnieloo DID reference Jurassic Park (movie) in an effort to illustrate that dinosaurs would be terrible pets, but we all know that was JUST a movie.....and that goes for you, too: Gigi :-P
    See everyone on the other side...My 'Surviving an Apocalypse Skills' are finally going to come in handy ;-)

  5. What book is this that your Dad had you read? Where can I get a copy? I need to be ready for any future Apocalypse. I think you should also befriend a Pilot with his own plane. That way you can fly away if need by WITH your pterodactyl at your side. Or maybe just buy your pterodactyl a harness so you can just ride it.

    On another note is it okay if I have a dragon INSTEAD of a pterodactyl? They breathe fire and are much bigger. I choose that as my pet.

  6. If we could show the veloceraptors the inhumane way the humans are kept and killed in the apocoliptic world maybe they'll develop sympathy for us and become vegetarians and vegans. They could start an organisation and throw blood on other veloceraptors who are wearing human skin as coats. Soon the organisation will take over the world and all veloceraptors will become vegetarians. Then we can live in peace with each other.

    I am a little concerned being a British person that this country will freeze over. Luckily we have plenty of castles here. I'm going to move into one now and bring a lifetime supply of lighters so I can defrost my home and live in warmth. I shall start collecting them now as well as cockroaches. They survive anything. If I can breed a big enough one then I can sleep on it's back in safety. Thanks for the heads up!

  7. Dragon does sound like a cool & helpful pet.....I just REALLY think dinosaurs are bad ass, and I like saying 'my Pet Pterodactyl' .....or just is a fun word....
    like onomatopoeia....but I like pretending that is a disease, and telling people I was out sick b/c I had onomatopoeia...and then making up symptoms, etc..... to people that believe me....

  8. Maybe there will be BOTH. Dragons AND Pterodactyls. We would just have to make sure they don't hate on eachother.

  9. i also recommend canned spinach, because NO ONE will eat that until necessary.
    i think i want a trained hawk. they catch bunnies and such. that would definitely help on the diet end of things.
    i think we should stock up on bows & arrows, too. you can catch deer that way.

    also? duh, you guys - you take over WALMART.
    any superwalmart will have everything you need - guns, ammo, bows & arrows, bikes, food, big huge metal roll-down doors (in case of zombie attack), and it's pretty damn defensible, besides!

  10. I say we storm a Chuck E Cheese. Animatronics can be usefull in an apocalypse.

  11. Okay... Updated plan... You may now begin hostile takeover of Wal-mart, Google Headquarters, and Chuck E. Cheese. All canned goods are approved for hoarding as long as you have removed the labels. Hobos and dragons have been added to the list of acceptable pets.