Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How to Create Your Own Reality

I have a friend on Facebook who posts things like YouTube videos entitled, I am: A Journey to Enlightenment. I would like to watch this video so I can inform you more accurately of its contents. But when I say I would like to watch it, I actually mean I would NOT like to watch it. Maybe I would like for you to think that I would like to watch it. Don’t worry. I can describe it to you without watching it. There is a picture of the ocean. Across the picture of the ocean is the sentence “You are Life itself pulsating in this dimension.” There. That is as far as I will go. If you want to know more, Google flaky YouTube videos about enlightenment. I’m sure it will pop right up for you.
Now that you have a clear background description of my friend based on her taste in YouTube videos I refuse to watch, I will get to the point of my post. My friend, and apparently the majority of the people posting on her page, believes that you create your own reality in your mind.

If this reality creation thing has any legs at all, wearing this shirt will make annoying people instantly disappear.

I have tried to seriously consider the concept, but I really don’t think I am creative enough to come up with some of this stuff. If I make my own reality, why would I put someone in my workplace to talk about building his own greenhouse all of the time? In my reality, Johnny Depp would be at my office reading me a phone book. I am pretty sure that is how I would have constructed it. Unless I created this reality a while back and I was lazy. I just threw in anyone. The Reality Planner was probably right there but I was all distracted and trying to get the whole thing over with so I could go back to writing my blog.

Reality Planner: What should people do all day in your reality?
Me: I don’t know. What are my choices?
Reality Planner: You could have people live in bubbles in the sky under rainbows and they could fly around on magic unicorns. Or you could have people go to a building with grey half-walls constructed around desks where they will sit and stare at screens while typing.
Me: Whatever, that wall thing. That sounds fine.
This would also explain that guy from Pakistan who came in from lunch the other day totally fascinated with the combo menu from Taco Bell. I could never have come up with that on my own.

Reality Planner:
How about a Pakistan guy who loves Taco Bell?

Me: What is Taco Bell?
Reality Planner: It could be this place where people drive up in their cars to get handed tacos with artificial meat.
Me: Great, yeah. I’ll take like a million of those. Can I go now?

Side Note:
Why do I not want to watch a YouTube video about enlightenment? Do I not want to be enlightened? Can I be enlightened without watching a homemade video with a picture of the ocean? That seems like really boring path. I need instant enlightenment. Maybe something I can hear on the radio. Or… I know… a tea! Lahikmajoedrinkstea will know which tea will lead to enlightenment. Right? And please don’t tell me to drink it while I am watching a YouTube video with a picture of the ocean, because I am not doing that.

Research Links:

To research tea enlightenment, go to lahikmajoedrinkstea.

For further information on how Facebook is full of a bunch of people that you are inconvenienced by actually knowing, go to
Vive le Nerd to read a lovely rant on your right to Vulgarity

If you are disconcerted because you are now wondering why the reality you constructed really sucks ass, go
Shouts from the Abyss for a read from a self-proclaimed negativity guru about his boss. Your reality will automatically be better by comparison.

Please feel free to leave any comments about how to construct your own reality below. I obviously need some pointers. Keep in mind that links to flaky YouTube videos will be ignored.


  1. Holy heck if I made my reality, I am in serious need of lessons. No sane person would choose my reality. Maybe someone chose it for me because I was sick on "Choose Your Reality Day".

  2. I believe Minnie Driver's character from Grosse Pointe Blank said it best: "Shockabuku...A swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever." That's what I'm doling out. Half price every day!

    Honored for the shout out. Appreciated.

    And look, I did that without swearing. Lucky you.

  3. There’s all ready a maintenance team of time that creates reality. There was a show about it called A Matter Of Minutes (The New Twilight Zone).

  4. Apparently, I flunked "Create Your Own Reality 101" because I gotta tell ya....if I knew then what I know now.....well, then things would be LOT different around here!

  5. Three books I've recently read/am now reading, if you want your mind blown about our access to "reality": "Through the Language Glass: Why the World Looks Different in Other Languages", "Sleights of Mind: What the Neuroscience of Magic Reveals about Our Everyday Deceptions", and "Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain".

    Of course,you have to accept reading as part of your reality...

  6. Debihen: I must have overslept that day.
    Joshua: thank you for not swearing. Does your head hurt now? Sorry.
    Anonymous: is that maintenance team union?
    Gigi: I'm checking the catalog at the local community college. I'll let you know.
    Ntoddsa: ALL these are on kindle. Win for me!

  7. 1.) I love how you made enlightenment all dirty, and stuff.

    2.) Is Johnny Depp wearing a tight, black pencil skirt? And did you make him bend over to pick up a pencil which you intentionally dropped? He'd understand completely; he always does with me.

    3.) Viva and Shout?! What lovely circles we all travel in.

  8. Being a person who quite regularly is told that should come back down to the 'real world' I guess my way of making my own reality is to completely ignore all the stuff I don't want to see and in it's place fill it with stuff I made up.

    For example, when the man on the train this morning shoved in front of me and thrust me back so I almost created a human dominos effect, I merely pretended that this was not some form of rudeness on his part rather he was Morphius from The Matrix running for his life from Agent Smith. Sure, once he was in front of me he was quite happy to queue patiently behind everyone else but by this time he was attempting to blend in with the rest of us so Agent Smith wouldn't find him.

    See? Now what could have been a really irritating thing to happen to me early in the morning has now turned into me being part of an action packed life threatening journey. My life is suddenly that little bit more awesome.

  9. The show didn't say if they were union. I do know, the workers were all dressed in all blue, and the supervisor was dressed in all yellow. It might be a govt agency.

  10. I've usually had good luck letting my bartender create my reality. Sometimes with ice!

  11. I used to construct my reality out of Play Doh but all the colours got all mixed together and now it's just a dull grey blob.

  12. Thought I'd already commented here, but I blogged my thoughts instead. Since you mentioned my teablog here, I wanted anyone who happened by over there to find something 'enlightenment'-related ( bit.ly/pBdrCL ).

    Thanks for the inspiration.

    Your parting shot in the post makes me desperately want to link to some flaky Youtube videos. There'll be plenty more of those on offer without having ot go look for them.