I was raised to not question anything from the Bible, like creation. However, if someone tells you not ask questions about something, that in and of itself is the best reason to delve right into it. After all, you need to know where lines are so you can color outside of them. Therefore, when the Discovery Channel announced that Stephen Hawking would be figuring out if God really created the universe, I was like, “Awesome. Let’s do this thing!”
And so it began. Television producers got together to answer the question, “Is there a meaningful outcome to this story we call the universe?” Commercial sponsors got together to answer the question, “Is Nissan an innovative company?” and “Should you ask your doctor about persistent heartburn?” After a brief promo for a show about people fishing with their bare hands, the program began, and I settled in with my popcorn to ponder our collective fate. That is when Stephen Hawking ruined EVERYTHING. He got himself on TV, and flat out stated that there is no god. There is no controller of our destiny. The master narrative of our religious faith is useless and we are all miniscule specks in an indifferent universe. Dammit, Stephen Hawking! I just wanted to color outside the lines. You didn't have to burn the whole coloring book!
In short, we are doomed. I have isolated the main problem to gravity. Don’t let gravity fool you. It may be keeping that pencil on your desk right now, but it is bad news. You see, everything around us was created by this giant star exploding billions of years ago because gravity was bored and didn’t have anything better to do. Now that gravity is done exploding stars, it is forcing the universe to slowly spread apart into vast infinite nothingness. We are condemned drift unwillingly into the meaningless void of eternity. Are we there yet? No... and we NEVER WILL BE!
Just when I thought I had stayed up too late without figuring out the universe, I decided to consult with my panel of philosophical experts (Twitter is rampant with philosophical experts). This is what I found out:
@AIRIGOAGAIN believes that we are “masters of our destiny in the same way that sailors are the master of their journey. You can’t control the sea, only react.” When pressed, he did admit that you could control at least part of the sea, “ a really small part, close to the shore. Or the part touching the hull of the ship that is yourself.” However, I wouldn’t recommend getting that close to the water so soon after shark week. Those sharks didn’t look like they were done.
@engr_andy recommends catching up on your karma by reading a story about Buddhists rescuing a boat of lobsters: Good Karma: Buddhists Liberate 500 Lobsters Destined for Dinner Plates. His hope is that "maybe someone will cut my rubber bands off and throw me overboard." I tend to agree there is a good chance of this. Buddhists always turn up when you least expect them.
According to @debihen, the path to karma and finding meaning in life is more direct than we realize, “Clearly, we tend to complicate things when it's all simple. Metal Chicken and be kind. Life in a nutshell.” This comment brings to light the impossible fact that the Discovery Channel and Stephen Hawking failed to consider a metal chicken in their ENTIRE god vs. the universe program. @jbrown3079 reasoned that the show was obviously put together “before we discovered the power of the metal chicken.” Frankly, I feel it was an irresponsible oversight on their part and I expect a retraction.
With this in mind, let’s take another look at the universe from a more practical perspective. In the wise words of @msCreatrix, “Here's the thing about the Universe… It makes as much sense as Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken.” Yes. Yes it does.
So, there it is... Be kind, rescue lobsters when you find them, and respect the power of the metal chicken. We can’t ask religion or Stephen Hawking to define the mysterious pull towards a connection larger than ourselves. But, we can create our own narrative as we make our way through the sea of time. And, if you feel trapped by your circumstances, hold your course. You never know when some Buddhists are going to pop up around the corner to cut rubber bands off your claws.
In the meantime, no more Discovery Channel for me. Tonight, I will follow @feuxdeforet’s advice and watch kitty videos on YouTube.