Thursday, July 7, 2011

How to Make and Maintain Influential Friendships

It is important to make and maintain friendship with influential individuals in order to use them to sway the circumstances of the world in your favor. Developing these relationships can be a long arduous process. You can expedite this process by following the steps outlined here for you today.

Step One: Become friends with Satan.

That is about it. Once you are friends with Satan, you will have everything you need. I am pretty sure Satan knows all the politicians and Donald Trump. You really don’t need anyone else after that, except maybe a good plumber.

I am sure the next question you may ask is, “But how do I become friends with Satan?” The answer is to win at Twitter. If you had kept up with my blog, you would be winning at Twitter by now. If you were winning at Twitter, you would already be friends with Satan. I know this, because @sataninsingsing AKA Satan is following me. And Satan thinks I am funny. Don’t take my word for it. Satan tweeted this to me in person, quote: “I ONLY follow cool people. Y’all have to make me laugh to join my list.” Of course, Satan also thinks @whoremongers, @ellie159, @PolyesterPony, and @whejas are worth following, but I to think that I am foremost in the group of people Satan is currently laughing at.

Another concern you may have regarding this blatant ploy for access to the powers of evil might be that trip to hell they discussed during Catechism or Vacation Bible School. Don’t worry about it. Satan has reassured me that, “my hell is AWESOME. We have booze, snacks, and lots of laughs.” Religious leaders will only tell you about the fire and brimstone, never about the snacks.

Being on Satan’s short list is quite the accomplishment. @PolyesterPony stated it best, exclaiming in all caps, “SATAN THINKS I’M COOL.” You can’t get a much higher recommendation than that. You might try to go the other route and befriend a Saint, or even Jesus, but these people will never think you are cool. They want to hang out with individuals who are charitable, benevolent, and know how to sing. They don’t even care if you are cool. Is that what you want? To NOT be cool? I didn’t think so.

Also, if you are friends with Satan, you get to go to all the after-hours Rapture parties. I hear they’re the best. Plus, @jason_mraz might be playing. Satan is following him too.

Oh.. and don't forget to visit Satan's Blog: (OF COURSE Satan has a blog). You have to make time for these things when you are ruler of the underworld.


  1. Satan tweeted to you in person? Like face-to-face? How 90's.

  2. You really need to market your shirts. And, what kinds of things make Satan laugh? Things are not going so well around here it's probably because I don't have Satan on my side, which hardly makes sense, since I am the Hellbaby babysitter.

  3. hey, i am NOT so 90's! i'm from the 80's, yo. we do things up in spandex around here. : ]

  4. Hell I want a Satan think's I'm cool t-shirt!!
    That would make my day plus it would make me laugh to see all those holy rollers gasp in shock at my shirt. I would also wear it around my in laws because you know they already hate me.

  5. I thought Pluto was the lord of the underworld. Of course that may be very Hellenestic era of me.

  6. well, Handflapper, a lot of shit makes me laugh!
    i like obnoxiousness, dirty jokes, general perversion, and general funny shit - you know, the everyday crazy shit that happens.