Saturday, July 16, 2011

How to Improve Your Life with a Metal Chicken

Never drink margaritas by the pool with my friend Michiel if you do not want a giant cow ringing your doorbell.  Okay, I admit I partially brought this on myself by mentioning that my life is incomplete without a giant chicken. I also need to admit that the cow isn’t actually a giant cow. It is life-size. Cows are apparently larger than they look when you are passing them by on the highway. She wanted to get me a giant chicken, but due to the fact that the animals available through this company are life-size, the chicken would have been really disappointing. She made up for this by getting me a life-size penguin. They are also larger than they seem when you are passing them by on the highway.

Life-size cardboard cows and penguins are as good if not better than giant metal chickens. Plus, she got extra points for assembling these creatures at a gas station on the way to my house. If you ever see someone assembling life-size cardboard animals at gas station, please pull over and tell them they are doing a good job. They deserve some recognition.

The surprises continue as we leave the cardboard animals and are now on our way to…

The Crazy Lady Giant Chicken Store

The minute we drive up, I know that Michiel means business on getting me a giant metal chicken. The yard in front of the store is cluttered with giant metal chickens, concrete bird baths, a giant metal zebra, some flamingos, a donkey, and a group of wild metal boars. We are clearly in the right place, and decide to take a look inside.

Crazy Lady greets us at the door of her collection. The tractor seat bar stools, leather rugs, knife and fork wind chimes, and cat magnets wait tantalizingly in the distance as this woman tells us in detail how she hurt her back lifting the concrete yard art outside. She couldn’t move for three days. Now she is getting rid of them. She can help us out with the larger ones, but not the smaller ones, because you can’t really come down from $21 dollars. Now I am distracted. Is there some sort of new numbering system that stops at 21? How can you not come down from 21? 20. There… I did it: Nobel Prize for me. I regret not asking her if she would come down from $22 dollars. However, we did not come here for concrete birdbaths. We came for…

Metal Chickens. Or Roosters... Choosters.

So, we are looking at all these metal roosters, because even though we keep calling them chickens, they are actually roosters. We don’t care though, because saying metal chicken over and over is much more fun that saying the word ‘rooster.’ Michiel picks up a rooster. We both take a look at this guy and can tell right away he has character. Character is what counts in a metal chicken-rooster. Suddenly, Crazy Lady jumps out from behind a wagon wheel table like a ninja and asks, with way too much enthusiasm, “Do you like roosters???” Michiel and I exchange glances, and look at her in silence, because, really... who LIKES roosters? I immediately tell Crazy Lady: “NO, I don’t like roosters. I came here to buy the metal chicken that will solve all my life problems. I didn’t come here because I ‘like roosters.’ What kind of nutcase do you think I am?? JEEZ!” Or... at least that is what I said inside my head. I’ve learned from past experience not to say these things out loud.

Unaware of the rant going on inside my head, Crazy Lady begins showing us all her assorted roosters. We are letting her go through her spiel, despite the fact that she blatantly refuses to participate in calling them chickens. She explains to us that each rooster is unique: “I design them. Then I send the designs to my Mexicans who make them by hand.”

I know what you are thinking. Yes, she said, “MY Mexicans.” Now I am pissed off. Remember when I said I wanted a pet and Sidney and Jack W said to get a hobo because they make their own gravy?  Then, lahikmajoe had to bring up the possibility of legal issues. Plus, daralynnieloo was concerned with how the hobo would be acquired. The final blow to my idea came from debihen who stated that hobos make "lousy pets" being "too noisy" with "demands hard to ignore." Well… you guys are WRONG! This woman has a whole bunch of Mexicans in a room somewhere that are hers! I wasn’t even going to make my hobo carve out metal roosters. This is so unfair.

To make a long story less long, Michiel bought a metal donkey. I really liked the donkey, but felt like we had made the trip for a metal chicken, and I would be a fool not to buy one.

Horatio and Amos

So, now that I have the metal chicken that will solve everything, and Michiel has a metal donkey, our next stop is…

The Truck Stop with Giant Cups and Magic Scale

First, I notice this truck stop has toenail clipper key chains available. I never knew that clipping my toenails while driving was an option. This could really free up my day. The truck stop also has drink cups that are the size of buckets. The buckets are only a dollar, but Michiel tells me we can’t buy them because they wont fit in her cup holders.  I imagine that spilling one of these would be equivalent to an in-car tsunami, and agree that purchasing cups this size is not an option. Michiel gets a modest 20 oz cup, apparently meant for an enormous amount of coffee. I follow suit, somewhat reluctantly.

Waiting for everyone to fill their buckets takes a while, so I use the time to ask a guy ahead of us how he plans on holding his 52 oz bucket of drink while driving. He explains, proudly, that he has a cup holder, or bucket holder, that will accommodate.  I nod, and notice that his six-year old is filling up a drink bigger than ours. Then, much to my dismay, we can’t even find straws for our little dainty cups. Even the straws are bucket-sized!  

This thing could put out your eye.

On the plus side, was a scale in the bathroom that, for a quarter, will tell you your EXACT weight, the winning lottery numbers, and your fortune. Now I am realizing I got distracted and never read my fortune. Hopefully, it said I win the lottery because I totally bought that ticket. After all, a scale told me to.  The weight seemed exact, so logic dictates the lottery numbers will be as well.  A scale has never told me to do anything, so I don’t have any past comparisons regarding reliability.

In conclusion, yesterday I had nothing. Today, I have a metal chicken, a life-sized cow and penguin, a cup with an enormous straw, and a lottery ticket. My life is complete.


For anyone who does not understand how a giant metal chicken can solve everything...
My friend Jenny has this blog.


  1. Yes, your life is now complete. Now tell me, just where do I find this magic scale that will give me accurate lottery numbers?

  2. The mugs that are erlenmeyer shaped sort of like a pyramid, but no corners and round, if they have a non-skid gripper pad on the bottom you can leave them on top of your car. I prefer right next to edge for easy access. In a lot of ways it's the most convenient spot for a mug (except for all the people honking and yelling thinking that you left it up there on accident.)

    I like the way the donkey looks slightly tilted like those dashboard ones with rubber bands in the joints. Those are my favorite because you can make them dance.

  3. Gigi... I have to let you know if the scale works or not. After confirmation, I will request a private messaging. We can't have the masses attacking this scale. It was in the women's bathroom. I would hate it if I just HAD to go, and there were a bunch of people in there getting lottery numbers.

  4. "In-car tsunami" is one of the best descriptors I've ever read!

  5. #Mazel! on your recent farm acquisition.

  6. And I am loving your crazy menagerie. Feels like home.

  7. You know, I read Jenny's original blog on this and a number of the comments. I'm going to ask a similar question to the one she received.

    You list all your new stuff. How much are you going to give to charity? This toenail clipper key chain pondering is all well & good, but do you have any intention of sharing the wealth?

  8. Okay, fine. Maybe I'll give the penguin to charity, but I'm definitely holding on to the cow.

  9. Does anyone know any charities in need of a very cute life-size cardboard penguin named Beyonce 2?

  10. Are we sure the metal chicken is "giant" enough? I mean, we need to be thorough here.

  11. Yes, I did take the size into consideration. There was a bigger metal chicken, but that chicken had shifty eyes and could not be trusted. This little chicken has character. I can tell.

  12. I'm not even kidding, that metal chicken's lack of reflection is really starting to creep me out...

  13. Gawd, i love this infestation of giant chickens. Both you and Jenny are hilariously riding off this chicken and milking it for all it's worth. Love it!!