Wednesday, June 29, 2011

How to Select a Pet while Predicting the Future

Selecting a pet for a seven-year-old boy is not an easy task, but lucky for me, I have psychic abilities. Yes, it is true. I can see the future rolling out directly before my eyes. Allow me to demonstrate.

I am standing in PetSmart, staring at hermit crab homes and accessories. Pet stores are terrible these days. They have thousands of accessories, but no hermit crabs. Where I am supposed to get the main element of the hermit crab scenario? Just as I am in the middle of pondering this conundrum, a PetSmart employee approaches. He has huge black corks in his earlobes. I don’t know about you, but cork earlobes speak volumes to me about a person’s qualifications in selecting a pet for my seven-year old. This is clearly the guy who will tell me how it is. And so we begin our path to pet enlightenment.

Cork-ear-guy: Can I help you?

Me: I am looking for a pet for a seven-year-old. What would you recommend?

Cork-ear-guy: How about a beta fish? (This is disappointing. I was hoping for something a bit more daring from a guy stretching huge holes into his earlobes.)

Me: That is kind of lame. How is he going to hold a fish? What do you think of hermit crabs?

Cork-ear-guy: They can pinch pretty hard.

Okay… now this is where the physic abilities come into play. Even though I am actually having a conversation with a cork-ear PetSmart employee, I can clearly see the hermit crab pinching off my son’s finger with a claw, placing us all in the middle of a crowded emergency room. I realize at this point, that I do not want to be holding severed finger in a waiting room.

Me: How hard do they pinch?

Cork-ear-guy: Sometimes they can draw blood.

New psychic scenario… I see myself again. This time, I am not in an emergency room holding a severed finger. I am in my home. I am mopping blood off the floor. Mopping blood is still pretty gross and time consuming. Hermit crabs are out.

Next, cork-ear-guy suggests a lizard. As we look into a cage at some tiny green creatures, he tells me that only trouble with a lizard is the start up cost for the cage and lamp, minimally, about $100. Suddenly, one of the green creatures takes a flying leap across the cage. They are quick little devils. In my next psychic vision, I see an escaped lizard roaming through the house at night while a $100 cage and lamp sit idly by. The lizard will terrorize our hallways for years. On the other hand, the cage and lamp we might be able to sell on Craig's List for around ten dollars.

Suddenly, a fish floating in a $3 bowl seems like a good idea. I have seen the future of my son’s pet ownership. It involves a fish eventually being flushed down a toilet. At least I won’t be in a waiting room holding a severed finger.

If anyone has any better pet ideas than the cork-ear guy at PetSmart, feel free to suggest an animal a seven-year-old can be responsible for without too much damage to the animal. Or, for that matter, the seven-year-old.


  1. My psychic vision told me so many things that I just refrained from ever getting mine a pet.

  2. I don't have a 7 year old, but I did have several bettas. I had one in college that lived SIX years. I also had one that didn't live 6 months, but whatever. I highly suggest the fish.

  3. Okay, now I have that song in my head. Only it's around fish.

    I believe that bettas are the future.
    Teach them well and let them lead the way.
    Show them they're beautiful with a mirror
    and they'll knock their heads in to the glass.

    And. It. Keeps. Going.

    I blame you.

  4. I say kitty. Kitty's are cute and mostly amuse themselves except that whole putting out food and water and cleaning a litter box if they are indoor only cats. Plus they chase laser pointers which is just plain awesome.

  5. My sister had a turtle, and somehow killed it. I'd stick with the fish.

  6. I second the hobo; they make their own gravy.

  7. Is it even legal to have your own hobo?