Well, relax. I am not suggesting that you go out buy rows of cocaine or start a meth lab. I mean, if you feel you need to do these things to make the shirt more convincing so you can win some sort of misguided Halloween contest, there is nothing I can do to stop you. Just know that it is a bad idea.
What I am suggesting is that you become addicted to drugs you do not have to make for yourself in a lab or buy from guys in the street. I don’t think I could help you buy drugs in the street anyway. I have walked around on streets quite a bit and no one has ever offered to sell me drugs.
I am probably missing the drug vendors because I am too distracted trying to navigate crosswalks and not get hit by cars. You see, I live in Texas, and you are not supposed to walk anywhere in Texas. People know this, so they are in their huge SUVs and four-door trucks, ready and willing to take you out for the slightest misstep. If I wasn’t so worried about dying, I’m sure I would be able to focus better on which of my fellow pedestrians are selling the drugs.
I am probably missing the drug vendors because I am too distracted trying to navigate crosswalks and not get hit by cars. You see, I live in Texas, and you are not supposed to walk anywhere in Texas. People know this, so they are in their huge SUVs and four-door trucks, ready and willing to take you out for the slightest misstep. If I wasn’t so worried about dying, I’m sure I would be able to focus better on which of my fellow pedestrians are selling the drugs.
In the meantime, I have decided to become addicted to Claritin D. I have become quite good at skulking around the pharmacy. Then, when the time is right, with shifty eyes and a quiet tone, I ask the pharmacist to get my drugs from behind the counter. While I admit that my daring adventures may seem exciting, in reality, the life of a drug addict is fraught with hardship. Withdrawal symptoms for my addiction include watery eyes and get ready for it…. the dreaded phlegm. If you are smart, you won’t come to my intervention. I’ll be going through a lot of Kleenex and it won’t be pretty.
On the plus side, I think @zippy219 would agree that a little drug trafficking is worth ridding the world of phlegm.
UPDATE: If you have indeed decided to start your own meth lab, I am including a link to an article by Bill Rempel, author and award-winning journalist (NO, I am NOT making this up... this guy actually has credentials. You should be honored to be reading my well-informed blog. Well, not honored, relieved maybe, that you have not completely wasted your time).
The article, "7 Secrets of a Highly Efficient Criminal Organization," contains everything you need to know for all your meth lab related activities. Through his investigation of Columbia's Cali drug cartel, Bill reveals sage advice like the importance of buying a good reputation. He doesn't mention how much a really good one costs, but what do you care? You are making money hand over fist with your meth lab. Also, did you know you can look innocent simply by driving a Mazda??? No one ever tells me these things!
The last bit of advice is to "Always have a Plan B." My Plan B is to have someone set up to pay for my snacks in jail. I hear they are really expensive.
This shirt is in case you decided NOT to follow my advice, and you went ahead with the meth lab. I like to think I am open-minded about these things.
UPDATE: If you have indeed decided to start your own meth lab, I am including a link to an article by Bill Rempel, author and award-winning journalist (NO, I am NOT making this up... this guy actually has credentials. You should be honored to be reading my well-informed blog. Well, not honored, relieved maybe, that you have not completely wasted your time).
The article, "7 Secrets of a Highly Efficient Criminal Organization," contains everything you need to know for all your meth lab related activities. Through his investigation of Columbia's Cali drug cartel, Bill reveals sage advice like the importance of buying a good reputation. He doesn't mention how much a really good one costs, but what do you care? You are making money hand over fist with your meth lab. Also, did you know you can look innocent simply by driving a Mazda??? No one ever tells me these things!
The last bit of advice is to "Always have a Plan B." My Plan B is to have someone set up to pay for my snacks in jail. I hear they are really expensive.
Posts
In the town I live in, Meth Labs are big business (only behind espresso shops and taco wagons). So, wearing this costume would most likely give me a one way ticket to jail, which I cannot go to as I am pretty sure I am allergic to jail. And it's a safe bet that once you have served time for Meth Lab entrepreneurship, you can no longer buy the Claritin D required for my jail allergies. Clearly, from my point of view, this is the scariest costume you have come up with to date.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, I shouldn't be encouraging people to wear shirts that might make them end up in jail. There are probably not even decent snacks in jail.
ReplyDeleteThis whole blog may need a disclaimer.
ReplyDeleteThat second shirt is perfect for me as I have been trying to get back into the workplace without any success and I think starting my own business may be my best option. According to the AMC documentary, Breaking Bad, all it really takes is a can-do attitude and a jaunty hat.
ReplyDeleteAnd instead of a disclaimer, I propose this post be used as a PSA because a)you're motivating our nation's youth to not use drugs due to a lack of jail snacks(this is, of course, assuming that our nation's youth read this blog and/or are being tweeted it's contents) and b)you made me do a Google search for snacks in jail which is only increasing my all around knowledge for potential trivia contests as well as preparing me even further for whatever life has to throw my way.
I just looked at Casey Anthony's snack list. It felt wrong, but that is what came up on Google under "jail snacks." The problem with jail snacks, apparently, is that you have to get people to give you money for them. There is also the problem that you will have your snack list posted all over the Internet. I really don't want people to know how many hot cajun mixes and beef sticks I have been eating.
ReplyDeleteI just looked at Lindsay Lohan's jail snack list. Now I can't stop.
ReplyDeleteOh my hell! I'm bowing out of Halloween this year - it's becoming to complicated and dangerous.
ReplyDeleteIf I wear one of these costumes, I could possibly get picked up and carted off to jail for being an addict.
If I wear a costume that I can get at Party City, I could possibly get picked up and carted off to jail for being a prostitute.
And then, while in jail apparently, I'd have to use my "wiles" to get someone to give me money to buy snacks!
Clearly these lists are propaganda. Everyone knows that Lindsay Lohan snacks on oxy and the tears of her family. So you could easily sub in pate and water crackers for hot cajun mixes and beef sticks on your own propaganda list. Something to keep in mind.
ReplyDeleteScrew Halloween you should go into business giving the real drug addicts/dealers these t shirts. It's about time those guys started smartening up with a uniform.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry @lgalaviz, I'll smuggle snacks into jail for you!
ReplyDeleteOk, I obviously need to be lobbying for Jail Snack List Privacy because I don't want advertising people to think they can profile me based on snacks I am probably eating under duress (or buying for my bunkmate to avoid being shanked).
ReplyDeleteIn High School, a girl I'd never met before slammed me up against a wall and told me that I would either bring her some Doritos the next day or she'd beat the crap out of me. I didn't bring the Doritos and got my azz summarily whooped by her and her friends every day for months afterwards. When my parents finally noticed my bruising and contacted school officials they were informed that there was nothing that could be done because the person in question "came from a broken home". I used to think that meant her folks were divorced, maybe, though, it was a euphemism for "her daddy is in jail cuz of the meth lab in the basement". Certainly inhaling meth fumes would make someone so irrationally angry (and fuel angry munchies) as to accost a total stranger and beat them daily for snack foods, right?