Sunday, October 9, 2011

About Clocks and Caution Signs

My parents are visiting this weekend, so it is going to be hard to focus in order to write a blog. Any blog I attempt to write under these circumstances will most likely be distracted and incoherent. Therefore, I am going to write a blog about someone else's blog.

Maryann has a blog called Eye of the Beholder. One of her posts, Old Clocks, made a personal connection with me. I too love old clocks and even own a couple myself.

Maryann also likes margaritas. I'm bringing this up as a side note, hoping that Maryann will stop by and bring me one. I may have mentioned my parents are visiting this weekend and it would be nice for someone to bring me a margarita. Glancing out the window now.

-- Several minutes have gone by with no sign of margarita. Hopefully my disappointment will not damper the rest of the blog. On we go.

We were talking about old clocks. I used to work in a really old building. The room I worked in had this cool, completely non-functional, clock wired right into the wall. The building was made back when they didn't have air conditioning and there were transoms on high ceilings to allow for air flow.

-- My dad just came by with a jumpdrive with pictures he wants me to load onto this computer. After an awkward pause, in which I ignored the jumpdrive and kept typing, he said there was "no rush."

Okay... about my clock... when I found out construction crews would be lowering the ceilings to make the building more energy efficient, I knew the clock was doomed.  I pictured it buried behind ceiling tiles, or laying in a pile of construction debris.  My mission was to save it.

-- My husband just came by looking for the lens cover to his camera. He said it was green... or maybe black. I pretended to look around for it, but didn't see it. If anyone knows where it is please post a comment. Thanks.

Anyway, the clock was wired directly into the wall with antique electrical-looking wires which I was pretty sure weren’t live.  Just in case, there was a guy who worked in the building who, after being sworn to secrecy, agreed to cut the wires for me.  You see, I told him that I didn’t know how to cut wires because I was a girl.  Looking back, I should have at least held a big board over him, ready to knock him away from a possible electrical current. I am much more thoughtful about these things now.  I don't know why I can't get more people to do stuff for me.

-- Speaking of getting people to do things... it is getting increasingly hard to write this blog without a margarita, MARYANN.

Anyway, the guy didn't die and now I have this beautiful old clock.

The time on this clock is accurate exactly twice a day, which is enough for me.

I got my second old clock at a garage sale. I found it in a barn next to a space heater.

This clock actually tells time, but it needs a more sordid past.

I regret getting this clock so easily now, because the story behind it isn’t very good. Someone please post a huge lie I can tell about how I got this clock.

-- My dad has come by twice in the past few minutes to see if I have download the pictures from his jumpdrive. Sigh. I wish Maryann would hurry up with that margarita. Hang on...

Okay, pictures are loaded. Let's continue.

We were talking about old clocks. Oh wait, I think I was done with that. Now we are talking about Caution Signs. Maryann has a section of her blog, What Would Your "Caution Sign" Say?? where she introduces the concept of people needing to wear "tiny caution signs to warn friends and family about ourselves." I fully support this.  Along this line of thinking, there are several road signs that would make excellent and very helpful t-shirts.

Here are some examples:

This one is helpful when you arrive at office without first having coffee.

I would wear this all summer for the irony.

There are so many things people should stop doing immediately. Like constantly asking for their jumpdrive back while you are trying to type a blog. Simplify your day by pointing at your shirt.

This one is my new excuse for everything.  No, I can't possibly do the Macarena with you, there are most likely man-eating sharks out on the dance floor.

This one could be dangerous, but I have always found 'Speed Hump' signs hilariously funny.

I would ask you to post further examples, but now my dad is asking if I have seen the picture where we are all looking at a tree, the dog is barking, and NO ONE has updated me on the status of that lens cover. Also, I really need some good stories for that garage-sale clock I have, so you should get busy on that immediately.

Please excuse me now as I spend the rest of the afternoon staring out the window for my margarita. I know for certain Maryann is on her way.

Now my mom wants to make some hot chocolate and doesn't know where it is. She also has some questions about whether to make it from little packages or from the jar of Oval-tine. After an awkward silence, she says there is "no rush."

I gotta go.


  1. I'm pretty sure that second clock's story has something to do with a lightning bolt and a "Save the Clock Tower" petition. Also, the lens cover is behind the Rosie's sweetened lime juice. Which is at the store. Where you're going to go right now and retrieve it, right?

  2. I love you, Lisa! You made me so happy with this post! I love the t-shirts, and your FANTASTIC sense of humor!
    On the other hand, I feel terrible for failing to bring you the margarita! Please help me figure out how to make it up to you!!

  3. This is the internet. Distracted & incoherent is what we do! Also margaritas, which I make great ones, btw, but I live very far away. Sorry.

  4. I love that second clock! Not because it's working, but because of its Art Deco design! Awesome!

    Re Caution signs: I don't have any personal ones to share, but I did have one made for the car. I would have taken a picture of it, but it's not actually on my car yet so I'll just link to the artwork I used instead: (image) (PDF document)

  5. My Caution sign would be "Slippery When Wet" which, of course is true. Every try to hang onto a squirming baby when you are giving them a bath?
    As for that second clock...isn't that the one you got at the Ladies Prison when you were visiting your estranged cousin Beulah who was in for Mattress Tag Removal? I thought so...

  6. You had the power to get a margarita all along! The second clock makes them when you set the time to 5PM and click your heels together while chanting; "It's 5 o'clock somewhere, it's 5 o'clock somewhere, it's 5 o'clock somewhere!"

  7. You should put a back on the STOP shirt that just says, " the name of love."

  8. Challenge accepted! Thanks for givinge something to do on the train home from work.

    The story  of your clock. 

    The air around Catherine was crisp and defined as she breathed out and watched it form swirls of clouds around her face. She glanced down the road. Despite the dark night she could see the objects moving at the cross section. The same movement that had been in place for the last 24 hours. Forwards, back, upwards and then smashing down into the concrete. Catherine closed her eyes and listened to the vibrations underneath her feet as the object met the ground. It was becoming more regular. Every ten seconds now, three hours ago it had been 15 seconds. She knew what that meant, it was time to move. 

    She bent down and took the package that rested against her feet. Ensuring the blanket was still wrapped firmly around it, she tucked it under her arm and made her way back towards the house. As she reached the door she paused for a moment, letting her fingers caress the wooden frame, her nails brushing over the indents that had been made by each house member as they grew another inch. Indents that no longer meant anything. Indents that, for all the world cared, might as well never had existed. 

    She sniffed and blinked back the tears before moving into the house, taking the stairs to the basement without a glance at the floor she had just arrived on. As she reached the second to bottom step, the vibrations from the thing outside's impact to the floor sent her flying face first into the tool box sitting at the base of the stairs. 

    She cursed loudly and picked herself up, checking to see if the package was damaged at all. Placing it on the floor at the furthest, darkest section of the basement, she carefully opened up the blanket and pulled it free from the wooden object it had been encasing. Catherine let out another smoke filled breath and a shudder ran down her spine as she took the the object one last time. 

    There, resting innocently against the grey damp wall was a dark and highly terrifying wooden clock. 

    Catherine closed her eyes to the clock almost as soon as she had let herself look at it. Without a backward glance she walked briskly back up the stairs and out of the house, shutting the door and turning her life away from the object that had well and truly destroyed her life. 

  9. Love all the comments!! Great caution sign ideas, and Debihen!! Great stories for the second clock everyone!! (Sorry about all of the !!'s. I just can't help myself...)
    Lisa, I'm linking back to this post. I hope that's ok!

  10. Wait Maryann, don't link back. It will cause a vortex and... Arggghhhh... Too late.

  11. (((((!!@!!)))))) < me in the swirling vortex caused by Maryann!!!

  12. I also think Speed Hump signs are hilarious. I have been known to take pictures of them and randomly send them to people.

  13. i stole a speed hump sign once, and hung it above the bed.
    worth every moment of being terrified of being arrested by the cops...

  14. That is exactly what I imagine everyone to be doing with the speed hump signs. Cities must have to replace them constantly.