How to Survive an Unexpected Football Party

Your first sign of an Unexpected Football Party will be your husband coming home early with queso. If he then starts frantically gathering up Legos from your living room floor, you will know something is definitely awry.

He will insist that he told you he was planning a football party. You might even vaguely remember him saying something about people coming over. However, stand firm that any statements made to you after or during a bottle of wine are null and void. Don't panic, but this is NOT a drill! It is an Unexpected Football Party, and you, my friend, are the host. In case this happens to you, and it almost certainly will, I will explain how you should conduct yourself, using my own experience as an example. First there are a few rules you will need to follow.

Rule Number One: Never, under any circumstance, let people take you aside. As you will be able to tell from the following example, people taking you aside is bad news.

Football House Guest 1 enters my house. She immediately takes me aside to ask, “Aren’t you angry about Obama making a speech during the football game?” As some of you are aware, my entire political viewpoint is I particularly want to avoid even discussing a political viewpoint (See How to be a Grownup). Undaunted, Football House Guest 1 continues, “I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to miss the pre-game show listening to Obama deliver a speech someone else wrote for him. Maroon 5 is playing.”

I had not previously considered that I might miss Maroon 5. The potential of missing Maroon 5 throws me into an existential dilemma. I was already aware of my disregard for Obama’s speech. Now I realize it runs deeper than that. I don’t care about Obama’s speech, the pre-game, whatever crappy song Maroon 5 is going to play, the football game, or the entire football season. This is a slippery slope. Now, I am starting to realize I don’t care about the conversation I'm having, or even eating queso. I have eaten a good deal of queso already, you see. That is when husband hands me a well-timed margarita. Nothing subverts an existential crisis like a good margarita.

I don't know how I missed this one.  --Thanks, DMomzom!

Rule Number Two: Screen for high people.

Football House Guest 2 takes me aside (see Rule #1) and asks, “Aren’t you irritated that Bob brought a girl to your house who is obviously high on something?” Up to this point, I hadn’t taken the time to assess whether or not any of my house guests were high on anything. Evidently, this is something you should do if you plan to have people over for football against your will and at the last minute. I recommend having some sort of coordination testing you can set up by the front door. Maybe a line you can make people walk or an eye chart. Actually, an eye chart would be perfect. High people can’t read eye charts without thinking they are hilarious. If someone is laughing at big letter E, you should have them ejected immediately.

If only I had made this shirt before the party.

Because of the lack drug testing, we now have no proof that this person is actually high. She did mention being a “little cloudy” because of some allergy medication. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt. Benadryl is surprisingly powerful. I take it all the time when my parents are visiting and I want to go to bed at 8:30.

Much to my dismay, the potential pothead/meth addict conducted herself most shockingly. She was the ONLY person at the Unexpected Football Party who:

a.  Didn’t care who won at the football.
b.  Didn’t take me aside to state unsolicited concerns about the football party.
c.  Complemented my artwork.
d.  Brought me a drink when she saw my glass was empty.

Granted, appreciating my art is an undeniable sign that she was definitely high. This leads directly to my next rule for someone sponsoring an Unexpected Football Party.

Rule Number Three: Always invite people who are high on something. I recommend at least two, in case one of them passes out or gets arrested.