Friday, September 9, 2011

How to Avoid Orange Ass Explosions

Ordinarily, I have a hard time with people who talk about dieting. I really don’t care if you think carbs are evil or no one should eat gluten. Unless I directly ask you why your lunch looks like cardboard, feel free to keep all that to yourself. However, I am breaking my rule to give you all a warning. Due to advances in the science of weight loss medication, dieters everywhere now have to protect themselves against ass explosions.

I used to work in a building that had a cafeteria. Every day we would go to lunch, accompanied by Mandy, the dieter. Mandy would browse over the entire array of food items, explaining to all of us how many grams of fat each contained, before selecting a shriveled dry breast of chicken as her source of sustenance for the day. I thought she was insane. She wasn’t. It turns out she was a victim of Alli.

For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Alli is an over-the-counter weight-loss pill that works by blocking your absorption of excess fat. Mandy told me one day over her shriveled chicken, that Alli was originally developed as a drug for men to reduce their cholesterol. Men refused to take it because they did not want to change their diets. I can understand that. A girl announcing fat grams in a cafeteria is totally acceptable. She might even be perceived as virtuous. A guy announcing fat grams in a cafeteria is a dick.

You may be thinking that purchasing Alli is the ideal way to reduce your cholesterol and weight. I too was lured by the potential benefits of this new miracle diet aid. Since I happened to be at The Wal*Mart shopping for beer and Cheetos, I went over to the pharmacy section, and picked up a box of Alli to read the side effects. The box very politely describes how Alli plans to dispose of any excess fat it happens to find lying around in your stomach…  through your ass. After reading, “You may have gas with oily spotting,” and “frequent stools that may be hard to control,” I couldn’t get the box back on the shelf fast enough.

Narrow escape, as it turns out. According to Jen P, the “gas with oily spotting” side effect can also be described as a “hot toxic bright orange ass river of doom.” In her recent blog post, "Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded," Jen P (@so_wakeup) shares her personal experience with Alli, a warning to us all about the new perils of dieting:

“I was essentially covered from waist to knee in a mess of bright orange oil, and wipe as I might with toilet paper, I was basically just rearranging it. I kept frantically trying to make it GO AWAY, but it just wouldn't. It was horrifying. “

All I can say is that the marketing department at Alli must be full of evil geniuses. I don’t know how much they are paying these people, but it can’t be enough. To fully understand the politely termed “Treatment Events” on the Alli packaging, I recommend reading Jeff Kay’s, "Alli Side Effects in Layman’s Terms."

Jeff explains that when the people of Alli state that, “You may get gas with oily spotting” what they actually mean is, “You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers.” The marketing people probably brainstormed for weeks before deciding that “more frequent stools that may be hard to control” sounded much better than a “sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.”

It's a public service message.

Alli has effectively expanded our dieting concerns way beyond phenphendrine heart attacks. Sure, it is approved by the FDA. But the FDA doesn’t care if you are trapped in your friend’s bathroom because a river of orange oil exploded from your ass. They would probably laugh at you. In fact, I’m convinced the guys over there approved this product as a practical joke.

In closing, I first would like to thank Jen P for bringing this potential hazard to our attention. We all owe you a debt of gratitude and khaki pants. I would also like take a moment to thank my ass for not rebelling against me. I had no idea what a great job it was doing until now.

Secondly, if you are planning to diet with the aid of modern pharmaceuticals, don’t forget check the side effects. If your medication recommends you wear a lot of dark colors and carry an extra set of clothing, you might be better off without it.

For Further Research:

Go to "Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded," to read the rest of Jen P's Alli-oop Incident. Frankly, I don't think her friend Heather was quick enough to respond to the issue. On the other hand, those khaki pants deserved to die.

For reasonable diet advice, do NOT go to "Why diets don't work - and never will" by Andreas Heinakroon. The reason diets are doomed is because this guy posted the most beautiful picture of donuts you have ever seen.


  1. While I will admit that my 42 year old body isnt as svelte as it once was there will be no liquid shooting out of my ass- at least not as a weight loss technique.


  2. Oh my hell! And this is why you shouldn't automatically trust whatever the FDA approves - someone over there has a mean, sick sense of humor.

  3. If only this post was around 4 years ago when I took alli.... would have saved many pairs of underwear.

  4. Um. I'm so glad I went to Del Taco. I am shamelessly self-harming. Yet, not pooping orange.

    Thank you for this important PSA.

  5. OMG! I didn't know if I should laugh or cry! Those POOR people. :-( But its so funny too. Thank you for this post. I'm going to go read theirs now...JUST so my brain never freaks out and tries to get me to buy that crap.

    PS. This is LittleGirlGray from Twitter. but it wont let me post as that. Its not you, its google hating on me!

  6. This made me laugh an laugh! Best lines: "I would also like take a moment to thank my ass for not rebelling against me. I had no idea what a great job it was doing until now."

  7. Damn typo. That's "laugh AND laugh."

  8. I'll just wait for some stomach virus for the explosions, thank you very much.

  9. This is exactly why, as a serial dieter, I will never take diet pills. I would rather be fat for the rest of my life than have orange ass explosions.

    May my sphincter always be my friend.

  10. So far so good, I've been taking Alli on and off for about eight months now, it is a very solid product. I wasn't able to keep taking it for a while due to the side effects until my body adjusted to it. I was originally losing weight pretty quickly