Zombies are People Too!

Today's righteous indignation is brought to you by @jwlucasnc who was kind enough to forward me the very best of her spam messages.

At first, I was pleased when I saw the title of the email in my inbox, “Zombies Make Over $5 Billion in the US.” I thought it was nice that zombies can be financially successful. I am not sure how many zombies there are in the United States, but even if there were a billion, that would pencil out nicely. I was a little surprised the luxury car market wasn’t targeting them more.

Then, my pride in Zombie accomplishment fell quickly into distain. This was not a message about helping zombies, or rejoicing in their success. This was a marketing ploy implemented by GoGo Training, taking advantage of zombies to sell Android Programming Classes. Calling zombies stupid and brainless, the GoGo Training specialists encourage you to become a Master Android Programmer solely for the purpose of deteriorating fragile zombie-human relations. The ad links to games showing zombies slouching across the screens of various phone platforms with vacant eyes. Do you know how hard it must be to walk around craving brains all the time with your limbs falling off? Zombism is a real issue, NOT a marketing tool.

A shirt to help Zombies keep up with their limbs... because I'm altruistic.

We should be promoting zombie tolerance rather than hatred. I encourage you, this Halloween, to rejoice in our diversity. Do NOT take advantage of the "Zombie Eating Halloween Special" at GoGo Training. Why would you want to save $100 off Android Programming classes when you will end up stuck in a room with a bunch of dickheads waiting to kill you if your arm happens to fall off? You wouldn’t.

I am sure you now all recognize there absolutely no need to make lives of the local zombies more difficult by pummeling them with bullets, grenades, and buckshot. However, I must admit that I did stop being indignant enough to consider calling the GoGo Training “Zombie Hot Line.” Not to sign up for a course catalog, as recommended, but to report zombie sightings. My guess is the people running that phone line have had a hell of a day.

Your Conference Survival Kit

As some of you may be aware, based on my vociferous complaints on Twitter, I recently attended a conference. To be honest, I thought it would be more fun. If you are attending a conference in the near future, I want you to be prepared. Here is a list of things you will need with a picture below for reference.



Please do NOT place this picture into a PowerPoint presentation and force people to listen to you drone on about it for forty-five minutes. I will find out about it and hurt you.

 

1. Johnny Depp Pirate

While most items crucial for maintaining sanity are located within the conference itself, you will need to bring your own tiny Johnny Depp pirate.  According to @Debihen, a tiny Johnny Depp pirate is essential for “sending out periodically to pilfer and plunder bags of Cheetos.” Also, you can talk to him when you discover that everyone at your lunch table will be discussing the keynote speaker and the operating systems of their phones.

2. Name Tag

The name tag is your key for obtaining snacks and free pens. You can take the name tag off to operate under the radar when skipping the keynote speakers. You can also use the rope around your name tag as a noose for strangling people who cut in the lunch line or presenters who go ahead and take questions even after their time limit is over.

3. Duck with a Computer

You should try to pick up as much free stuff as possible. Pens will be prevalent, but if you can get a rubber duck with a computer, that is ideal. I like that this duck not only has a computer, but is also is giving me the ‘thumbs up’ sign. Ducks with computers generally approve of me. I rate highly among plastic ducks, especially ones with computers.

4. Perrier Bottle

You should be aware that the conference will most likely be filled with grown-ups. Some of them will be wearing suits, while others will have tiny phones in their ears. Absolutely none of them will think you are funny. If they do not think you are funny, you can cover by pretending you are insane. Do this by repeatedly muttering a prepared catch phrase. @lahikmajoe recommends, “Bee in my bonnet.”

In case you get tired of muttering

You can also try to blend in with the grown-ups by carrying around a bottle of Perrier. This is what grown-ups drink. I carried a bottle while muttering, just to be safe.

5. Zombie Defense

People at the conference will be talking in monotone voices and shuffling around with dazed expressions, making it impossible for you to tell whether they are actually zombies.Therefore, you will need to be on high alert and ready to defend yourself from likely attacks.

For zombie defense weaponry, @heinakroon recommends a katana since “those things will split any zombie’s head.” If you fail to find any Japanese samurai swords over at the SWAG table, try surrounding yourself with extra chairs you can use as weapons. The stockpile of chairs will also keep away people who want to hand you their business cards and chat once the presentation is over. 

Regarding zombie defense strategies, @jetts21 states strongly that you must “wait till they are undead.” However, I recommend you start flinging chairs out during the question and answer session, just to be safe.

Please feel free to contribute below with your own zombie defense recommendations for the corporate conference environment.

Next post... Surviving the PowerPoint Presentation.

How to be Normal

When @eldergeek sent me a link to the AQ-Test, I thought, “What now, a test?” So you can imagine my relief to find it is only a 50 question online quiz to see if you have Aspergers. I know, right? Again with the syndromes.


I realize this is the second time I’ve posted this t-shirt, but you probably need an extra in case the first one is dirty.


If I have to take this Asperger test, you are coming with me. Ready? Here’s the link: http://aq.server8.org/ I am including all the answers below in case you need to take it for work or something to prove you are normal. You can thank me later.

Notice that the disclaimer before you even take the test reads, “If you’re concerned about your score, you should consult a doctor.”

So, based on my concern for my social disorder, I should call someone up on the phone, arrange for an appointment, then go over there and TALK about it? There is no way in hell I am ever doing all of that. See… there is nothing wrong with me already.

Let’s get started…

“1. I prefer to do things with others rather than on my own.” I always do things with others. That is what Twitter is all about. And people read my blog sometimes. At least three people have told me they read my blog, so that is doing things with others.
–Definitely Agree

I’m winning at this test already.

“2. I prefer to do things the same way over and over again.” Yes. Because that is how you should do things. Otherwise, you spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out that you have already done. I could do things totally differently each time if I wanted to, but that would be stupid.
–Definitely Agree

Winning! I am going to be so normal.

“3. If I try to imagine something, I find it very easy to create a picture in my mind.” Imagining things, yep. Good that that. Winning.
–Definitely Agree

“4. I frequently get so strongly absorbed in one thing that I lose sight of other things.” Yeah, all the time. There is too much crap to keep up with. Like remembering to eat, for instance. Did I eat? I can’t be bothered with that right now. I’m in the middle of something.
–Definitely Agree

“5. I often notice small things when others do not.” Yep. I found a penny on the ground just the other day. Win.
–Definitely Agree

“6. I usually notice car number plates or similar strings of information.” Man. This is a tough one. I don’t even know what this means. I am going to pick what seems the most normal.
–Definitely Disagree

Is it me, or does this test seem long? Forty-four more questions to go.

“7. Other people frequently tell me that what I’ve said is impolite, even though I think it is polite.” People shouldn’t be so freaking sensitive. That is what I think.
–Definitely Agree

God, this test will NEVER END.

“8. When I’m reading a story, I can easily imagine what the characters might look like.” Another tricky one. Sure, I can imagine what they look like, but then when the movie comes out, I am always wrong. I guess all the movies can’t be starring Johnny Depp. He would be way too busy.
–Slightly Agree

“9. I’m fascinated by dates.” Definite ‘no’ on that one. Dates are the stupidest fruit ever. Are they really out there growing like little dried up squares in the wild? I can go my whole life and never see another damn date.
–Definitely Disagree

“10. In a social group, I can easily keep track of different people’s conversations.” If they were talking about stuff that was interesting, then sure, I would be right on top of it. But are they talking about what sports their kids are playing? I don’t really care so much about that. Maybe if they are talking about how much they like bacon. I really like bacon.
–Slightly Agree

“11. I find social situations easy. “ I was pretty good at having lunch at that conference. Yeah, never mind. That was hard as hell.
–Definitely Disagree

“12. I tend to notice details while others do not.” What kind of details are we talking about here? Like stuff people are wearing? Did you just get a haircut or is your face a little off center today? I would notice that. I guess. Wait… I noticed that my cubicle mate had on shiny shoes today. Win for me.
–Definitely Agree

“13. I would rather go to a library than a party.”
–Definitely Agree

Did you see how I didn’t even need to think about that last one? I must be getting EXCELLENT at this!

“14. I find making up stories easy.” I make up stories all the time. Remember that whole bit in my blog about time traveling and the cars driven by phones? That NEVER happened! Yep. I made the whole thing up. I guess that wasn’t really making up a story though. It was more like rambling on about crap.
–Slightly agree

“15. I find myself drawn more to people than things.” I talked to people in the elevator today about their commute. That was sort of fun. Things, on the other hand, can be fun too. Like a stapler. Staplers would actually be more fun than people talking about a commute. But sometimes people have food. If someone is sharing Chinese food, I would definitely rather be with that person than a stapler.
–Definitely Agree

“16. I tend to have very strong interests which I get upset about if I can’t pursue.” I will have you know that me typing into my blog is JUST as important as you and your stupid football game you are watching. So yeah, don’t interrupt me.
–Definitely Agree

“17. I enjoy social chit-chat.” Social chit-chat? That is the most ridiculous phrase I have ever heard. If you hear anyone speak the words, ‘social chit-chat,’ you are completely absolved for hitting them.
–Definitely Disagree

“18. When I talk, it isn’t always easy for others to get a word in edgewise.” Why would anyone want to interrupt me while I am talking? I am freaking brilliant.
–Definitely Agree

“19. I am fascinated by numbers.” Are these numbers on a lottery ticket that I am winning? I would be enthralled by those numbers. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. Would it be cool having tons of money? Or would it be a pain in the ass? Maybe I should get some secret money, like a pirate. I don’t need numbers for that.
–Definitely Disagree

“20. When I am reading a story, it is hard for me to work out the characters intentions.” The characters in that Zombie Field Guide I was reading were all running from zombies because they did not want their brains to be eaten. I was able to work out their intentions fairly well.
–Definitely Disagree

“21. I don’t particularly enjoy reading fiction.” I really don’t. But it isn’t my fault. If people would write some interesting fiction books, I would totally read them. Quit writing about whiny vampires and maybe I’ll read your damn book.
–Definitely Agree

“22. I find it hard to make new friends.” I have 792 Twitter friends. I find it easy to make new friends. Of course, I used to have 804 Twitter friends. I wonder what happened to the other twelve. Maybe I said something impolite that I thought was polite. Damn, this test is getting to me.
–Slightly agree

“23. I notice patterns in things all the time.” Patterns, like what? Plaid? I guess so.
–Slightly agree

“24. I would rather go to a theatre than a museum.” What kind of theatre? Like a live performance? Will there be singing in the theatre? I hate it when people sing. I’ll choose museum just to be safe.
–Definitely Disagree

“25. It does not upset me if my daily routine is disturbed.” That routine is in place for a reason. I have important shit that needs to get done. I don’t have these routines in place just for a whim, people! Jeez.
–Definitely Disagree

“26. I frequently find that I don’t know how to keep a conversation going.” Wow… I am usually trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I guess that would have to agree.
–Definitely Agree

I can’t tell anymore if I am winning.

“27. I find it easy to ‘read between the lines’ when someone is talking to me.” People should just say what they mean. I can’t be held responsible for whatever interpretive dance you have going on here.
–Definitely Disagree

“28. I usually concentrate more on the whole picture, rather than the small details.” This is a tricky one. I can usually see both the picture and the details. There is no way to select both though. I have to agree to this or not. What if the picture is really far away? If the picture was far away, then I wouldn’t be able to make out all the details without squinting.
–Slightly Agree

“29. I am not very good at remembering phone numbers.” I don’t have to. They are in my phone. Win.
–Definitely Agree

“30. I don’t usually notice small changes in a situation or a person’s appearance.” I noticed a co-worker wearing shiny shoes today. They were really shiny though. But it still counts. Also, if someone is on crutches, I know that you are supposed to ask them what happened. Even though I never do because I figure they are probably getting tired of explaining it. But I do notice and that is what counts here. I still get points.
– Definitely Disagree

“31. I know how to tell if someone listening to me is getting bored.” Why would anyone listening to me get bored? I’m freaking brilliant.
–Definitely Disagree

“32. I find it easy to do more than one thing at once. “ What does this mean? Like juggling? I’m terrible at juggling. I can’t think of any example now other than juggling.
–Definitely Disagree

“33. When I talk on the phone, I’m not sure when it’s my turn to speak.” I shouldn’t even have to answer this one. Everyone who has my number knows NOT to call and try to chat with me on the phone. Call me, state your concern or situation, then hang up. Also, you could probably just send a text. That would be preferable. As you can tell, I have the phone thing completely covered. Win.
–Definitely Disagree

“34. I enjoy doing things spontaneously.” Yes, I do enjoy spontaneous things. But only if you tell me about them first and give me a lot of time to pack. And also, I may need to bring some things in case I get bored. Are we going to be near water? I don’t want to bring a lot of electronic equipment if it might get wet. Should I bring a book? I don’t want it to get lost. If I bring a book, what percentage chance will there be of the book getting lost? Are we going camping? If so, is it possible that I might need to run from a bear? Also, I like to bring toilet paper when I go camping. I should probably take toilet paper anyway, even if we are not camping, just in case. You know what… just forget the whole thing. I’m not going.
–Definitely Disagree

“35. I am often the last to understand the point of a joke.” It must have been a pretty dumb joke then. I really don’t see how I can answer some of these without a proper example.
–Slightly Disagree

“36. I find it easy to work out what someone is thinking or feeling just by looking at their face.” If you want to tell me what you are feeling, then just tell me. Or maybe don’t tell me. Unless your face is telling me you feel like bringing me Chinese food. Of course, I would be able to gather that much from the Chinese food without even looking at your face. This is a stupid question.
–Definitely Disagree

“37. If there is an interruption, I can switch back to what I was doing very quickly.” I suppose so. However, it really depends on what was I doing. Was I making a vase on one of those potter’s wheels? I have done that before and that shit will collapse at a moment’s notice. You have to really focus on what you are doing with a potter’s wheel. Also, the guy I share a cubicle with has a squeaky chair. Sometimes I am trying to concentrate and when the chair squeaks, I can never tell if he is about lean over and start looking at me or talking to me. It is a little distracting, but not really an interruption. Just don’t interrupt me, okay? I definitely agree that I do NOT like being interrupted. That seems normal.
–Definitely Agree

“38. I am good at social chit-chat.” Didn’t you already ask me that? At least change these up a bit. Also, I should hit you now.
–Definitely Disagree

“39. People often tell me that I keep going on and on about the same thing.” No one has EVER told me that. Except for my husband, but what does he know? That shouldn’t even count. Okay… fine.
–Definitely Agree

“40. When I was young, I used to enjoy playing games involving pretending with other children.” What the hell does THIS have to do with anything? I “slightly agree” that your question is stupid.
–Slightly Agree

“41. I like to collect information about categories of things (types of car, types of bird, types of plant, etc.)” Like you thought I was just going to fall right into that one.
–Definitely Disagree

“42. I find it difficult to imagine what it would be like to be someone else.” I just imagined being a pirate earlier in this test.
–Definitely Disagree

“43. I like to plan any activities I participate in carefully.” Well, of course! You have to know what kind of shoes to wear. This one’s a no brainer.
–Definitely Agree

“44. I enjoy social occasions.” Just because I already have a feeling of dread thinking about having to sit through dinner at Thanksgiving does NOT mean there is something wrong with me. That happens to everyone. I also really hate those parties where girls invite you over and want you to look at jewelry with them. Those suck. And I hate party food. If I wanted to stand around eating carrot sticks and stuffed olives, I would do it in my kitchen.
–Definitely Disagree

“45. I find it difficult to work out people’s intentions.” I think we have established that people should just say what they want. I don’t have time to sit around guessing if you went to the kitchen because you love waffles.
–Definitely Agree

“46. New situations make me anxious.” Yeah, that conference I went to really sucked. I am better at being in a cubicle where everything is controlled.
–Definitely Agree

“47. I enjoy meeting new people.” Where are these new people coming from, and what do they want from me? Do we have to do that whole bit where we shake hands and tell each other where we are from? I hate that.
–Definitely Disagree

“48. I am a good diplomat.” I am not a diplomat. I don’t even really know what it is they do, but I get the feeling I would be terrible at it. Don’t they have cars with flags on them? I might want to be one so I can get a car with flags on it.
–Slightly Agree

“49. I am not very good at remembering people’s dates of birth.” I am not good at that at all. Sorry everyone, for forgetting your birthday. I suck.
–Definitely Agree

“50. I find it very easy to play games with children that involve pretending.” That sounds hard as hell. Have you ever played with children? It is exhausting.
–Definitely Disagree

Score: 34 - One point away from high functioning autism. That’s good, right? I’m winning! Just in under the wire people… I am officially normal. Someone send me a plaque. Yea me!!!!

How to Survive a Wasteland Apocalypse

How will you survive wandering through a barren wasteland? We all live in dread of zombie apocalypse but what if the imminent danger lies in fresh water diluting the Gulf Stream because of sunspots? This doesn’t even have a good ring to it. Plus, we don't even get to kill zombies.

This past weekend, my dad was talking about Britain freezing over and everyone starving not being able to grow food. I realize that I don't watch the news, but you would think something like Britain freezing over would have somehow made itself apparent. Now I am thinking, "Damn, did I miss the apocalypse?"

Then, Dad tells me to read this book. Most of the books he recommends are history books, so I was a little taken aback to realize this one was not history book, but rather a graphic and catastrophic description of our near future. I am reading along as this guy discusses sunspots and water salinity; suddenly, I turn the page and entire continents are frozen over with everyone fighting each other for food.

I know what you are thinking, “Oh, MY continent wouldn’t freeze.” Well, as it turns out, even if your particular continent is not frozen over, you are still screwed. All the people on non-frozen continents are going to be in desert wastelands with no water, also fighting for food.

To make matters worse, I read all this right before going to bed. Not a good idea. Needless to say, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. in a panic attack, trying to figure out how long we have before I take the family out rummaging through the city dump for a toothbrush because no one can manufacture them anymore.

Being the reasonable person that I am, I decided to take matters into my own hands and consult a panel of experts on how to best handle the matter. My panel of wasteland survival experts was carefully chosen based on strict qualifications. The most important of these qualifications was being on Twitter during my terror-induced insomnia.

According to Twitter Wasteland Apocalypse Panel expert, @lahikmajoe, “For the food scarce wasteland, it’s best to train. Scheming is also a plus.” This logic seems fairly solid; therefore, I have broken down the basic steps to surviving wasteland apocalypse into two stages, planning and scheming.

Stage One: Planning

1. Start stashing creamed corn under your bed. I cannot overemphasize that you need to start this step IMMEDIATELY. In a barren wasteland where people are fighting for food, this stuff will be like gold. Panel expert @daralynnieloo recommends Twinkies, because, “They never ever go bad and there are like a zillion of them.” However, the main flaw in this food choice is that if you have cartons of Twinkies under your bed, you, or someone you know, might be tempted to eat them. This will NEVER happen with creamed corn.

2. Go to Germany to buy wasteland insurance. @lahikmajoe, told me for a fact that “in Germany, one can get wasteland insurance. It’s all very practical.” @lahikmajoe… Please let us know when your insurance company starts handing out the creamed corn. We may need to get a head start on this thing.

3. Select a wasteland appropriate pet. What kind of pet should you have for a wasteland apocalypse? I know you are thinking hobos, but hobos will do you no good in this situation. They actually like creamed corn and will thus use up all your resources. You need a pet that will ideally help you find food and defend your castle. (Yes, we will all be getting castles, details forthcoming).

According to panel expert @AgentDragonFly, pet selection of the future is about “whose pet can destroy other people and bring their food to YOU.” She also has a groundbreaking theory that “bringing pterodactyls back would be helpful.”  They are in fact, “the birds of the tomorrow, but yesterday.”

I know you are all set to order some pterodactyl eggs on Amazon.com, but before you act too hastily, I must let you know that there is some contention on this issue.  @daralynnieloo, is adamant that, “Dinosaurs would be HORRIBLE pets.” She has done some research in this area and referenced a movie called Jurassic Park. It seems to have ended badly, mainly because of velociraptors.

However, pterodactyls are birds. Everyone knows that birds make good pets. You almost never see any movies about birds lingering around, waiting to peck people's eyes out. So the main point of contention must be the velociraptors. Can a velociraptor be trained as a post apocalypse pet? @AgentDragonFly insists that the urge to track and kill humans can be mediated through medication. However, I know people on medication who would still poke your eye out as soon as look at you. Maybe it’s all about the dosage.

Stage Two: Scheming

Wasteland apocalypse is a problem easily solved through social media. Social media is the new solution for everything. As soon as you hear on the news that the wasteland apocalypse has started, everyone grab all your creamed corn and go to your nearest Medieval Times Castle.  (You have pretend castles in Germany, right, @lahikmajoe? Oh, yeah… you have REAL ones. Good luck with that.)

Together, we will storm the castle.  You might be worried that your skill level at storming castles is below par, but there is no reason for concern. There will be knights in armor coming at you, but I have seen these guys in action. Everyone they kill gets up again a few minutes later when they think no one is looking.

Now that you have the basic survival steps for the upcoming wasteland apocalypse, you probably want to do more. You yearn to unite through social media on important issues so your significant other will quit rolling their eyes when you mention wasteland apocalypse pterodactyl pets.  Lucky for you, I have listed a few ways below in which you can contribute to the overall plan based on your unique talents of either planner or schemer.

Planners:

You can be key in settling the velociraptor pet controversy. @daralynnieloo‘s apprehension lies in the fact that they are incredibly smart, they jump really high, open doors and steal snacks out of vending machines, all without opposable thumbs, thus making velociraptor the “#1 scariest animal.” And also they eat people. On the other hand, @AgentDragonFly insists they can be trained, much like a T-Rex, or a pit bull.

Your task as a planner is to explain how velociraptors will make good/horrifying pets for the wasteland apocalypse. If you are going to claim they make good pets, you must substantiate your claim by explaining how you will get them to not eat us.

Schemers:

We are currently taking suggestions for alternate fortresses we can take over by force. Medieval Times has beer on tap and lots of room for the pterodactyls to fly around, but if you’ve got a better suggestion… let’s have it.

Halloween Costume Series: Robot Zombie Killer

This costume is based on my new Pulitzer prize-winning novel about the future and robot zombies.  I’ve been the future you see, and the phones that we created to drive our cars have turned against us.  They are now zombies that must be taken out by any means necessary.  This book will probably win for the best non-fiction since it is about facts in the future and I don’t think anyone has written a book yet about facts in the future.  Therefore, being the one and only book in the category, it HAS to win.

Actually, I am writing the book in the future as we speak.  The best thing about this method is that I am not procrastinating. I am waiting for future self to deliver the book via time machine, or by UPS.  I am not exactly sure how these things work.

Everyone who wears this shirt will be promoting my future book and you will be well compensated when I hit the bestseller list any day now.  I will also be famous, so bonus points to you for knowing someone famous.

How to Endure a PowerPoint Presentation

Some of you are excruciatingly aware based on my Twitter and Blog rants that I recently went to a conference.

This conference, which sucked all the humor out of my brain, was divided into two tracks, Business and Technical. After a day of watching people type and then point to lines of code, my head went numb. Therefore, I decided to take a break from the Technical Track, and cross over to the Business side.

The first thing I notice about the Business Track is the change in dress code. The polo shirts and torn jeans from the Technical Track have given over to power suits. Also, no one in this room has an iPad, or a laptop open. No one is even typing into a phone. They all have notepads and tablets. Not ThinkPads or electronic tablets either... they are using pens. I decide that I too will get out a pen and take notes. By ‘take notes’ I mean write down random crap I’m thinking during the presentation. My plan is do this with a very serious look on my face so as to appear productive.

Pablo, our presenter for the afternoon, is Italian. I'm not sure if all Italian men resemble a Ken dolls with longer than average side burns, but Pablo does. Pablo thoughtfully takes a moment to inform us of his hobbies. Apparently, he enjoys running, reading, socializing, and jazz. These seem like odd hobbies to me, but then again people describe my hobby as, “Typing sarcastic shit into the Interweb.” I discreetly enter Pablo's list of hobbies into Twitter. A few seconds later, @Handflapper and I agree that Pablo most likely uses liberal amounts of Axe body spray.

There is a snack basket being handed around the room, but I have already had three bags of Cheetos today. I can’t possibly eat anymore Cheetos. Entering information about the surplus of Cheetos into Twitter results in @lahikmajoe challenging the ‘real’ cheese aspect of Cheetos. Sadly, I fail to defend the cheese content and admit to eating orange powder. My potential marketing position over at Cheetos is now in serious jeopardy.

The next slide of Pablo’s Business Track presentation says, “INFORMATION OVERLOAD.” I write this down in huge letters on the notebook. I am so winning at taking notes right now.

I don’t know if all Italian men frame their sentences oddly while using a thick Italian accent, but Pablo does. He declares with enthusiasm that we are “very much overloaded with information.” Apparently, he fails to see the irony that he is very much contributing to the overload.

I check Twitter again. @jbrown3079 suggests that the Cheetos' lack of appeal means it is time to leave the conference post haste. Pablo seems unaware of both @jbrown3079's timely advice and my strong urge to leave his presentation. He pushes on to the next slide which is a picture of Facebook. “Knowledge is evolving,” he states with confidence. I am unsure how this message is connected with Facebook. He really should have gone with Wikipedia for that one, or maybe YouTube.

Pablo’s next slide is inexplicably a Jackson Pollock painting. I am suddenly missing the screens of code. I had a good setup over there with my laptop and duck. Why did I come over here to listen to Pablo? This has been a huge mistake. I check Twitter again to consol myself. @bottledshiny states, “My brain went far, far away.” She must be at this conference somewhere. If I didn’t have to keep my brain in my skull it would have made a run for it a long time ago.

Proceeds from the sale of this shirt go to @bottledshiny. Wait... I suddenly remembered this shirt doesn’t exist. If you see @bottledshiny, just hand her money. Thanks.

About mid-PowerPoint, I notice that Pablo likes to end the most important points of his presentation with the word, ‘whatever.’ Example: “These types of activities are directly linked to content growth and whatever.” “The link between a data driven community is evaluated by business integration, analysis, and whatever.”

Are we supposed to be furnishing the last parts of these statements for him? This could be a call for help. To salvage the rest of the presentation, I will combine Pablo’s statements with those of the most eloquent person I know: The Bloggess.

To decrease legibility, Pablo’s statements are in teal, while contributions stolen from Jenny’s blog are in pink italics. This is all I can do for you today, despite its skull casing, my brain has gone far, far away.

The link between a data driven community is evaluated by business integration, analysis, and I just got molested by a giraffe and I smell like urine.

There are endless opportunities in this type of methodology, but it is very hard to pretend you’re important when all you do is write about clown porn and dead kittens.

A social community is drafting new challenges and homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics.

Taking a step forward, we are making this process more useful. You will see the metric here, distracting you with animal tails and mouse skull necklaces.

Who are the influencers of the most important sources of information? Are they prepared for a long vaginal court battle with Eve Ensler?

Hard-linking communities and business improve the internal process, and there are some things that you shouldn’t have to worry about spontaneously combusting and one of those is jam.

To close with the last part, you can dive deep with this in-depth approach, and what I would imagine syphilis smells like.

Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey-wrench in your faulty zombie logic. (Okay, that one was free)

Rapture Preparation

Is it just me, or is this Rapture Apocalypse not as good as the last one? I was shocked when @mylifelyrics sent out a reminder earlier this week that we had a Rapture scheduled for Friday, October 21, 2011. Why did I not hear about this sooner? The last Rapture Apocalypse was hyped up for months. I haven’t even seen any billboards for this one.

A good Rapture is like a movie, we need propaganda and previews, something to build the suspense. You’d think, given the feeble effort in promoting this Rapture that everyone had already spent all their money on billboards for the other Rapture. I found out today that no one has even scheduled a time! This is not how you run a Rapture, people! At the rate you are going, there might not even BE a Rapture.

The Naysayers: You are the problem with a good Rapture Apocalypse.

I find it disappointing that some of you show a certain lack of enthusiasm for Rapture related activities. @debihen states “The Rapture and killing crazed dictators have all been done before people. Do we not have ANY original thinkers out there?” Well, @debihen, the answer is NO. We will keep having Raptures until Zombie Apocalypse happens, so you might as well get used to it. However, we may be out of dictators to kill. I’m not sure.

Some of you aren’t even going to the Rapture! For example, @daralynnieloo says, “I’m not going because I’m sure there’s gonna be a ton of republicans and super Christians there.” You are right, @daralynnieloo, the place will likely be littered with them. Do you think the super-Christians will be getting capes? I wonder if it is too late to transfer over to that group.

@lahikmajoe is not helping matters. He is probably worried there is no loose-leaf tea in the afterlife.  He seems to think that the “last rapture really was the one to be remembered, wasn’t it? This one’s supposed to stay quite. Keep it down will you?” No, @lahikmajoe, I will NOT keep it down. A quiet Rapture is a boring one. Are we all just supposed to sit around while people are naked skydiving and demons are running around? I don’t think so. Oh, you haven’t heard about the naked skydiving option?

In case you are unaware, @larwe will be “skydiving naked during the rapture so the ascending ones will think I’m going with them and have second thoughts.” See people, THIS is how you do a Rapture. Thank you, @larwe for embracing the spirit of the occasion. To show my appreciation, I made you and anyone who would like to join you in naked skydiving, a free t-shirt.

Yes, I realize that making this shirt was a complete waste of time. Thanks.

As if I don’t have enough to deal with, @heinakroon is on the verge of ruining everything, “I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s my army of killer robots helping me to take over the world. Don’t worry and stay calm.” Great, @heinakroon, I am having enough trouble generating excitement for this month’s Apocalypse already. I don’t need you sending out killer robots to distract everyone. You need to get these things on the calendar in advance. How’s February for you?

Of all the naysayers, @IbecameMyDad is the worst of them, suggesting the whole thing is the result of old pipes, “I think you’ve been misled; this time around it’s the “Rupture.” It’s just a plumbing issue. Get some boots and you’ll be fine.” He’s probably right, but I like to stay optimistic and think the end of the world is at hand. Plus, I just had the plumber out last week and I really don’t want to pay for another service call. So, let’s get ready for this thing.

Rapture Apocalypse Dress Code: No, we are not going naked (except for @larwe, obviously)

Since the day of Rapture Apocalypse is at hand, I will at least help everyone with the dress code. Some of you, like @rebecca_ods, are not satisfied with just dashing off into the sky naked. “I need more info! Once again I have no idea how to dress! Should I sleep in my clothes just in case?”  Rapture Apocalypse is, after all, a special occasion, and some of us would like to be able to dress for it. Also, I am on the same page with @BanterBurbia, “if that means I have to spend my last day on earth shaving, I’m out.”

@jbrown3079 definitively stated that the dress code for the upcoming Rapture will be “Disaster Casual.” But just what is Disaster Casual? Let’s consider our options.

@_viouslymaggie suggests, "Dress for Halloween in case we don’t make it. Also, it will be easier to sort the saint and sinners that way." This is a terrible idea by the way. I have only had the chance to blog about two of my Halloween costume suggestions. Three if you count the meth lab t-shirt. Everyone is going to be wearing shirts about being drug addicts, serial killers, and having meth labs. There is no way Jesus is going to let someone past the gates wearing a meth lab shirt. Sorry @_viouslymaggie, nice try but we will NOT be wearing our Halloween costumes.

@daralynnieloo will be wearing “my new slippers, new jeans, favorite t-shirt, my new pea coat and scarf. Don’t wanna miss out on getting to wear the new stuff.” There is nothing worse than buying a new pea coat and never getting a chance to wear it because of Rapture Apocalypse.

@debihen is going with “flowing robes and pipe cleaner halo.” She suggests you “check the Halloween dept for wings. That ought to be appropriate.” Can you bring some extra pipe cleaners, @debihen? I don’t have time to go to the craft store, and I really want to get in. I have some questions I want to ask God.

@me_mumstheword says pajamas, “my favorite attire for all important events,” are the way to go. Pajama attire also solves @rebecca_ods’ dilemma of whether to sleep in your Apocalyptic attire. Two birds, one stone. Well done, @me_mumstheword. Except, you probably shouldn’t be throwing rocks at birds.

So, do you hear that, Rapture Planning committee? “Disaster Casual” is any recently purchased clothing, wings, pipe cleaner halos, and pajamas. Write that down.

Packing for the Afterlife

Another little known fact about Rapture Apocalypse is that you can pack a bag. You are allowed one carry-on item of any size. A hand basket is a nice choice, in case you end up going to hell in it later. It is always more convenient to go to hell in your own hand basket. A trip to hell couldn't be that much worse than a shopping experience at your local Wal-mart. Just pack whatever xanax and wine you would ordinarily take for that type of outing.

Have a Nice Apocalypse

So, when you see @larwe skydiving naked with a pipecleaner halo, you will know the big day has arrived. If you see killer robots, then @heinakroon has ruined everything.

Happy Rapture everyone!

Making Time for Yourself

This entry is less of a helpful tool, and more of a personal rant… fair warning. But, there still will be t-shirts. However, they won’t exist. Honestly, I don’t even know why you are reading this. There must be something better you could be doing.

Just so you know, I get up thirty minutes early every morning to go to the park with my dog. There is a reason I have chosen a dog for this activity. Even though I have to remind her not to roll in poo on the ground, she is quiet. Her idea of a conversation is a pat on the head and maybe a good rub behind the ear. People on the other hand, are more demanding.

For example, one Sunday morning on our way to the park, I suddenly realized was MOTHER’S DAY. Walking along a sidewalk on Mother’s Day probably doesn’t seem like such a terrible idea, much in the same way that a few slow moving undead flesh eaters would seem like a serious threat on the first day of zombie apocalypse. However, all the mothers being taken out to breakfast before church were in such a good mood that they seemed compelled to accost me with cheerfulness on their way to being tucked into minivans. I find it extremely unfair to have to deal with cheerful people before I have had coffee. Also, watching these giddy women in dresses and flowers headed to breakfast then church made me feel slightly sad for them. I began to wonder if I could hire a sniper to kill me if I ever walk into a Denny’s on a Sunday morning wearing a corsage. How would you even find a good sniper? Angie’s List? Now I am worried about how the sniper interview would go. Would he bring a resume? What if all his references are dead? What if they aren't?

Of course, Mother’s Day is a once a year event. There are daily obstacles to my being able to make it though the first part of the morning without having to be nice to people. Don’t get me wrong. I am nice to people. I am nice to people all day. I simply prefer not to start too early.

My primary obstacle is a next-door neighbor who gets up very early. She is also quite old. These two aspects blend perfectly into at least five minutes of the day sucked right out of my system. Instead of being on my way to the park, I find that the, “Hi, how are you” which I intended to be the entirety of the conversation will instantly slide into a discussion of how I think the Cowboys are doing this year, and where I think the people who mow her lawn should place the bags of yard trimmings. Neither of these topics are anywhere near my area of expertise. Another concern is that she talks extremely slow. I am not sure if this is because people slow down as they get older, or if everyone else speeds up. When I am finally free to continue to the park, I am now worried that one day I will be living alone and moving in slow motion, perplexed by bags of lawn trimmings. Not a good start for the day.

Another obstacle is my companions in the park itself. Most of these people have the same goal as I do and present no problem. ‘Headphones Bald Man’ is content to continue his walk with a simple nod. ‘Friendly Cyclist’ is fine with a smile and a ‘hi’ as his bike whizzes past. ‘Guy with Hat Walking Dogs through Field’ waves from a distance. The only one who presents a problem is ‘Strange Hippie Chick.’ The problem with this person is that she is not content with simply walking, running, or cycling through the park. In my mind, if you are not a teenager smoking pot, these are the only acceptable park behaviors. She stretches, does yoga moves, and at one point I actually caught her doing jumping jacks. I find it very disturbing. The last time I encountered ‘Strange Hippie Chick,’ she was picking up a couple of Dasani bottles from curb of the parking lot. While I appreciate her efforts to keep the park clean of debris, I did not expect her to look right at me and declare with a menacing tone, “People are pigs.”

I am not sure what to do with that information. Plus, she has gotten off lightly as far as trash pickup is concerned. I have picked up pizza boxes there once. One morning, I even picked up some beer cans. Although I looked like I had just finished off several huge cans of Milwaukee’s Best in the space of time it took me to walk to the trash can, I never thought twice about it. Why does she get to be agitated over a couple of water bottles? Maybe she was mad that the park no option for recycling. Maybe she was upset because Dasani is a Coca-Cola product. Hippies are hard to figure out.

So, if you see people in the morning, please do not bother them by wearing flowers to breakfast, doing jumping jacks, or asking them what to do with bags of leaves and grass clippings. On the other hand, if you are up early and want to be left alone, please try wearing one of the following t-shirts.



Appreciation for those who respect your space



An admonition for those who refuse to leave you alone until you have had coffee

For people who can't take a hint



This one hasn’t been field tested yet, but I think it is a great idea.
No one wants to stop and chat when they are afraid they might have a bee in their hair.