Monday, June 20, 2011

How to Identify Post-Modern Hippies

The Traditional Hippie
 Hippies used to be easy to identify based on their long hair, head bands, and their constant state of being high on hallucinogens. However, the post-modern hippie is not that easy to weed out from the normal population. One of the main reasons behind this trend is that there is less money in peace and free love than there was in the 70s, resulting in a large majority of hippies now having office jobs. Escalating this issue, the business casual dress code common in many workplaces makes hippies impossible to identify by on appearance alone.

The Post-Modern Hippie

According to @izzabiff, eminent post-modern hippie expert, “The post-modern hippie can slip under the radar. They can look normal… but it’s all about ‘health food’ and ‘yoga.’ If you unexpectedly find yourself in a post-modern hippie encounter, it is important not to panic. @izzabiff recommends that you stay calm and “back away slowly.”

The following clues will aid you in identifying the post-modern hippies in your workplace.

Clue Number One: Individual is vegan. If a person can’t eat jello because it used to be a horse, you are dealing with a post-modern hippie. Back away slowly.

Clue Number Two: Individual brings strange food into the workplace. If someone seems delighted that their swamp-green algae protein shake is still in the freezer, you are dealing with a post-modern hippie. Back away slowly.

Sometimes it is important to consider the motivation behind bringing strange food or beverages into the workplace. Questions like this one can help you identify post-modern hippies BEFORE they ask you to yoga class. Consider the following scenario:

Co-worker sends email announcing that she has brought in homemade soymilk for everyone to ‘enjoy.’ Why did your co-worker bring in homemade soy milk? Choose carefully from the statements below:

A. She is Vietnamese and celebrating her ethnic heritage

B. Over-the-counter soymilk sold in grocery stores is not organic enough

C. Over-the-counter soymilk sold in grocery stores has too many preservatives

And the answer is… it doesn’t matter. Normal people DO NOT make their own soymilk. Only a post-modern hippie would spend an evening juicing soybeans for people to put in their herbal tea. For that matter, only a post-modern hippie would consume soymilk. You should immediately dust the soymilk container for prints to weed out the rest of the hippies.

If you find yourself surrounded by post-modern hippies, you may find it necessary to try to blend in. If they think you are one of them, they won't attack. This t-shirt should be enough to convince the hippies. It is 100% dairy free.

Please feel free to contribute more ways to identify post-modern hippies in the workplace. Knowledge is power.


  1. 1. They try to convince HR to change the dress code to recognize Crocs and Jellies as appropriate footwear, since they eschew leather.

    2. Their wrists are sore from typing. Oh, AND from their all-night drumming sessions.

  2. izzabethel may has forwarded you outadted info on accident. I am pretty sure in her latest upadted recommenadtions include not only backing away slowly, but fanning out your jacket or shirt much like a cobra. If you can, raise it and fan it out high above your head. This serves to give the illusion you are much larger animal and increases your chances of a safe exit by up to 33 percent.

  3. Up where we live, they wear Birkenstocks ALL THE TIME...even to weddings. They listen to that tinkly music or, even better, whale song. They tend to speak in breathy, soothing, whispery voices and they glide about like their feet never touch the ground (which begs the question, "WHY BIRKENSTOCKS?!?!"). Their gardens are completely organic and their houses are built from "repurposed" matierials. Somehow, they make me feel guilty 24-7.

  4. OMG, I work with at least one. Easily identified by all the above PLUS lots of beaded vests and these sandals from LLBean:

  5. Crystals!
    Anyone with crystals to "prevent radiation" from whatever.

  6. Um, all of our male hippies have beards.