How to Avoid Orange Ass Explosions

Ordinarily, I have a hard time with people who talk about dieting. I really don’t care if you think carbs are evil or no one should eat gluten. Unless I directly ask you why your lunch looks like cardboard, feel free to keep all that to yourself. However, I am breaking my rule to give you all a warning. Due to advances in the science of weight loss medication, dieters everywhere now have to protect themselves against ass explosions.

I used to work in a building that had a cafeteria. Every day we would go to lunch, accompanied by Mandy, the dieter. Mandy would browse over the entire array of food items, explaining to all of us how many grams of fat each contained, before selecting a shriveled dry breast of chicken as her source of sustenance for the day. I thought she was insane. She wasn’t. It turns out she was a victim of Alli.

For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Alli is an over-the-counter weight-loss pill that works by blocking your absorption of excess fat. Mandy told me one day over her shriveled chicken, that Alli was originally developed as a drug for men to reduce their cholesterol. Men refused to take it because they did not want to change their diets. I can understand that. A girl announcing fat grams in a cafeteria is totally acceptable. She might even be perceived as virtuous. A guy announcing fat grams in a cafeteria is a dick.

You may be thinking that purchasing Alli is the ideal way to reduce your cholesterol and weight. I too was lured by the potential benefits of this new miracle diet aid. Since I happened to be at The Wal*Mart shopping for beer and Cheetos, I went over to the pharmacy section, and picked up a box of Alli to read the side effects. The box very politely describes how Alli plans to dispose of any excess fat it happens to find lying around in your stomach…  through your ass. After reading, “You may have gas with oily spotting,” and “frequent stools that may be hard to control,” I couldn’t get the box back on the shelf fast enough.

Narrow escape, as it turns out. According to Jen P, the “gas with oily spotting” side effect can also be described as a “hot toxic bright orange ass river of doom.” In her recent blog post, "Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded," Jen P (@so_wakeup) shares her personal experience with Alli, a warning to us all about the new perils of dieting:

“I was essentially covered from waist to knee in a mess of bright orange oil, and wipe as I might with toilet paper, I was basically just rearranging it. I kept frantically trying to make it GO AWAY, but it just wouldn't. It was horrifying. “

All I can say is that the marketing department at Alli must be full of evil geniuses. I don’t know how much they are paying these people, but it can’t be enough. To fully understand the politely termed “Treatment Events” on the Alli packaging, I recommend reading Jeff Kay’s, "Alli Side Effects in Layman’s Terms."

Jeff explains that when the people of Alli state that, “You may get gas with oily spotting” what they actually mean is, “You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers.” The marketing people probably brainstormed for weeks before deciding that “more frequent stools that may be hard to control” sounded much better than a “sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.”

It's a public service message.

Alli has effectively expanded our dieting concerns way beyond phenphendrine heart attacks. Sure, it is approved by the FDA. But the FDA doesn’t care if you are trapped in your friend’s bathroom because a river of orange oil exploded from your ass. They would probably laugh at you. In fact, I’m convinced the guys over there approved this product as a practical joke.

In closing, I first would like to thank Jen P for bringing this potential hazard to our attention. We all owe you a debt of gratitude and khaki pants. I would also like take a moment to thank my ass for not rebelling against me. I had no idea what a great job it was doing until now.

Secondly, if you are planning to diet with the aid of modern pharmaceuticals, don’t forget check the side effects. If your medication recommends you wear a lot of dark colors and carry an extra set of clothing, you might be better off without it.

For Further Research:

Go to "Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded," to read the rest of Jen P's Alli-oop Incident. Frankly, I don't think her friend Heather was quick enough to respond to the issue. On the other hand, those khaki pants deserved to die.

For reasonable diet advice, do NOT go to "Why diets don't work - and never will" by Andreas Heinakroon. The reason diets are doomed is because this guy posted the most beautiful picture of donuts you have ever seen.

Update on Harvard Virtual Canoe Team

Our Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team placed first among virtual rowing and canoe teams all over the world.

The members of our esteemed team are as follows:

Gigi: In charge of megaphone 

Satan

@rebecca_ods

maryann
@gingerblaze: Finder of imaginary bodies of water

We will treat this like the rapture. Everyone on the Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team, at 6:00 your local time, may raise a pint of your favorite beverarge in celebration. 

In respect to our accomplished rowing team, I am going to ask that everyone else please refrain from raising pints of beverages at 6:00pm your local time as you did absolutely nothing of significance to earn them. 


Based on the blinding success of our Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team, I am sure that many of you will now want to join. You can still join, but now you have to beg and plead. I am not sure how much begging and pleading will be required. That will be decided on an individual basis, probably by Satan.

In fact, all requests to join the Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team should be sent directly to Satan(@SatanInSingSing) via Twitter and prefaced by significant begging and pleading. If you hurry, you might still make the 6:00pm pint raising deadline.

How to be a Grownup

I was reading blogs at three in the morning, as I often do, when I found one that struck me as strange. It took a while for me to figure out why I was having trouble with it. I was, literally, reading the blog... of a grownup. I know. It was quite a shock for me as well.

Alongside other members of the Breakfast Club generation, I watched Ally Sheedy tearfully tell Judd Nelson, “When you grow up, your heart dies.” Based on this, I always had the expectation that something would suddenly snap to make me start drinking decaf and wearing shoe supports. This hasn’t happened to me yet. It is hard to convince myself that this whole thing about going to work and dropping my kid at school isn’t some long extended game developed for my amusement. Apparently, not everyone thinks that way.

Allow me to use the blog The JackB to demonstrate the inner workings of the grownup mind.

Grownups have Moral Fiber

In Jack’s well written post, “Bald is Beautiful and Other Things You Need to Know," Jack’s son is having second thoughts about playing soccer. 

Here is what a grownup tells their son who wants to quit soccer:

“My job as his father is to help him reach his potential and that I see things in him that he might not see. I said that he is much tougher, stronger and smarter than he realizes and that soccer would help him see that.”

In contrast, here is what I told my son when he wanted to quit soccer:

"Chasing a ball around on the field is stupid and these people yelling at their kids are insane. Let’s get out of here."

Also, here is what I told my son when he wanted to quit baseball:

"Waiting in the outfield for a ball to come to you is stupid, and these parents are even crazier than the soccer ones. Plus, it’s hot out here."

We finished out the season though. Not because we were seeking some sort of moral high ground, but because that’s what you do when you’ve already paid for something.

Grownups have Political Viewpoints

Here is Jack on politics:

“I am not a fan of President Obama but I wouldn’t say that I am a detractor. Part of the problem is that our government doesn’t feel the pain of the average person. My second largest monthly expense is healthcare. Thankfully we are healthy, but it wouldn’t take much to make life exceptionally difficult. One serious injury/illness/accident and the whole house of cards could tumble.”

Don’t get me wrong, I know what is going on in the world. I watch the Daily Show. I just never bring up politics around any one because it quickly results in people becoming opinionated and boring. For example, you should see the posts at the end of this guy’s blog.

This was going to say, “…I find your political agenda annoying” but why impose unnecessary limitations?

Sure, it is ridiculous that if you live in the United State you have to work for forty hours for someone else in order to have access to affordable healthcare. Lots of things about games are ridiculous. For example, the terrier on the Monopoly game board is the same size as the horse. Can you imagine the size of that terrier? But if you don’t like the illogical size of the terrier, you can choose the racecar, or maybe the top hat. On the other hand, I find it creepy to have a top hat bouncing around the board on its own, so don’t pick that either.

Jack is right, of course. The house of cards is tilting slightly. Eventually, despite all preparation and moral fortitude, life will spin slightly, if not entirely, out of control. I think I just saw a damn card flying by just now, so I had better hurry and make my point.

I thought I would become someone else when I grew up, and I never did. Apparently, some of you have grown up. Kudos to you, and I don’t even mean that sarcastically. I am glad you have your shit under control.

My appreciation goes out to all of you who didn't grow up. Everything spins around us, but we handle it with the irreverence and sarcasm that these situations require. Sure, we act like grownups. We politely share public transportation with crazy people. We care for aging parents and placate annoying neighbors. We clumsily blend career, family, and last minute trips to the grocery store. But, we deal with the daily crap life hands out with the joyful abandon of children in a complex game.

In closing, please do not harass the grownups with their grownup blogs. They are very serious and may get pissed at you.  Also, please do not post your political viewpoints. I find them boring and inane. Unless, of course, your political viewpoint is that political viewpoints are boring and inane. In that case, knock yourself out.

My next blog entry will be some timely advice on how to avoid orange ass explosions. It could happen to anyone. In fact, you should probably go ahead and read @so_wakeup's critical warning to us all: “Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded.” It never hurts to be safe.

How to Create Your Own Reality

I have a friend on Facebook who posts things like YouTube videos entitled, I am: A Journey to Enlightenment. I would like to watch this video so I can inform you more accurately of its contents. But when I say I would like to watch it, I actually mean I would NOT like to watch it. Maybe I would like for you to think that I would like to watch it. Don’t worry. I can describe it to you without watching it. There is a picture of the ocean. Across the picture of the ocean is the sentence “You are Life itself pulsating in this dimension.” There. That is as far as I will go. If you want to know more, Google flaky YouTube videos about enlightenment. I’m sure it will pop right up for you.

Now that you have a clear background description of my friend based on her taste in YouTube videos I refuse to watch, I will get to the point of my post. My friend, and apparently the majority of the people posting on her page, believes that you create your own reality in your mind.

If this reality creation thing has any legs at all, wearing this shirt will make annoying people instantly disappear.

I have tried to seriously consider the concept, but I really don’t think I am creative enough to come up with some of this stuff. If I make my own reality, why would I put someone in my workplace to talk about building his own greenhouse all of the time? In my reality, Johnny Depp would be at my office reading me a phone book. I am pretty sure that is how I would have constructed it. Unless I created this reality a while back and I was lazy. I just threw in anyone. The Reality Planner was probably right there but I was all distracted and trying to get the whole thing over with so I could go back to writing my blog.

Reality Planner: What should people do all day in your reality?
Me: I don’t know. What are my choices?
Reality Planner: You could have people live in bubbles in the sky under rainbows and they could fly around on magic unicorns. Or you could have people go to a building with grey half-walls constructed around desks where they will sit and stare at screens while typing.
Me: Whatever, that wall thing. That sounds fine.

This would also explain that guy from Pakistan who came in from lunch the other day totally fascinated with the combo menu from Taco Bell. I could never have come up with that on my own.

Reality Planner: How about a Pakistan guy who loves Taco Bell?
Me: What is Taco Bell?
Reality Planner: It could be this place where people drive up in their cars to get handed tacos with artificial meat.
Me: Great, yeah. I’ll take like a million of those. Can I go now?

Side Note: Why do I not want to watch a YouTube video about enlightenment? Do I not want to be enlightened? Can I be enlightened without watching a homemade video with a picture of the ocean? That seems like really boring path. I need instant enlightenment. Maybe something I can hear on the radio. Or… I know… a tea! Lahikmajoedrinkstea will know which tea will lead to enlightenment. Right? And please don’t tell me to drink it while I am watching a YouTube video with a picture of the ocean, because I am not doing that.


Research Links:
To research tea enlightenment, go to lahikmajoedrinkstea.

For further information on how Facebook is full of a bunch of people that you are inconvenienced by actually knowing, go to Vive le Nerd to read a lovely rant on your right to Vulgarity. 

If you are disconcerted because you are now wondering why the reality you constructed really sucks ass, go Shouts from the Abyss for a read from a self-proclaimed negativity guru about his boss. Your reality will automatically be better by comparison.

Please feel free to leave any comments about how to construct your own reality below. I obviously need some pointers. Keep in mind that links to flaky YouTube videos will be ignored.

How to Create Drama in your Life and Workplace

A while back, we celebrated National Drama Day. On this day, I requested everyone get pissy about something irrelevant, yell at someone, and report back in. Some of you handled this task more successfully than others.

Next time, let's all wear t-shirts!

@tcrowe77 set out to accomplish Drama Day with the best intentions, but eventually had to point out: "Hating that my coworker pushes that thermostat to 73 when it should ALWAYS be on 72 is relevant!” I tend to agree.

@gingerblaze participated by eloquently stating, “Why Does Guy On Train HAVE to Talk On His Phone At All?” People on phones are an excellent, and unending, resource for Drama Day.

@debihen expressed her frustration with pedicure issues, “I am irritated that my pedicure chipped. I suspect this will ruin my whole day.” While this seems like a perfectly valid drama day statement, the inherent problem lies in the fact that there is no one to yell at. Both the thermostat and obnoxious guy on phone situations incorporated a focus for yelling, and everyone knows that really good drama requires yelling. This is the reason why I had to yell at @debihen for messing up Drama Day. After all, I have to set a good example. 

To avoid this type of situation in the future, lets take a moment to go over a few Drama Day basics:

No matter the problem, someone else is always to blame

You can’t fully accomplish drama day by acting like nail polish chips are some sort of natural occurrence. You must to find someone to blame for this so you can yell at them. For example, you can yell at the person who gave you the pedicure; unless, of course, you gave yourself the pedicure. In that case, you are going to have to call the 800 number on the nail polish to find someone to yell at. It will take a little longer, but well worth your time.

Always remember that everyone is out to get you.

Let’s say, for instance, co-worker sends you an email without commas. Why did she send you an email with bad punctuation? Because she was trying to get work done? No. She sent you an email with no punctuation because she does not respect you. You are not worth the commas. You should spend the rest of the day carefully composing a long diatribe about professionalism in the workplace and commas. The more people you can CC on this, the better.

Lastly, and most importantly, phlegmy people will not be tolerated.

This shirt will prevent phegmy people from trying to use your clothing as kleenex. I have never actually seen this happen, but you can’t be too careful.

The most admirable outcome of Drama Day was @zippy219 who "picked a fight over nothing with a coworker just because I don't like her.  She's phlegmy." Phlegmy people should always be yelled at as much as possible. If you can’t yell at them, you should at least attempt to spike their tea with Allegra in order to eradicate the cause of your irritation. For any tips of what type of tea is best to spike with Allegra, you should probably refer to my friend lahikmajoe’s expertise at lakimajoedrinkstea. He will definitely be able to recommend something.

@zippy219: I now declare you the Drama Day winner. I didn’t know it was a contest until now, so there aren’t any actual prizes, but congratulations anyway.

 I must also give credit to @debihen for coming in a close second with the very powerful, last minute, drama day rant:

@lgalaviz yelled at me 'cause I did #dramaday wrong. She has ruined my week. #heavysigh

Note how many of the characteristics of a successful drama day @debihen incorporates into this statement. She identifies the problem, assigns blame, and assumes that I am out to get her, thus utterly ruining her week. 

Well done, @debihen. The heavy sigh was a great touch. If only you could have somehow worked in phlegm.

Even though the official Drama Day is over (at least for now) feel free to leave any further rants or Drama Day suggestions below. 

Update on how to maintain emotional stability

@ivycanucchi suggests that wine is also a potential candidate, but if you are out of wine, Xanax wins.

How to Remain Emotionally Stable

Circle of Moms presented a survey that somehow ended up in my inbox. The topic of this survey was...  

How do you remain emotionally stable?

As my cursor hovered dangerously over the delete button, I suddenly thought to myself, how DO people remain emotionally stable? Granted, not everyone has multitudes of kids running around, but there are always some days that are better than others. I decided to click on this link, this key to lasting emotional stability. 

Upon clicking the link, you will find at the top of the page, Teresa’s comment with the winning total of 44 votes. Her advice is this: “The first thing one can do is pray and to look up for God to guide in the situation.”

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I pray to God, I worry about him secretly making fun of me. In case you haven’t read it, the guy was not cool in the Old Testament. He spent most of his time turning people into pillars of salt and unleashing plagues. I find this type of behavior untrustworthy. His idea of guidance would probably be to tell me to build an ark or something. The guy seems to be a bit of a prankster. (Side note: Don’t worry, I can say these things, because I am a very close friend of Satan.)

Maybe person number two has some better advice, scanning down… Ah here we go…

Next, we have Janice who repeats, I’m assuming for emphasis, “Yes, pray, pray, pray.” Crap. Does no one on this damn forum have anything original? Okay, one more….

Tammy also feels compelled to share her religious enthusiasm: “So good to see you and other Moms leaning on God!! Children are gifts from Him to raise for Him.” Okay, that is IT. If your children are ‘gifts from God,’ why do you need a forum to figure out how NOT to go insane because of them? I was right. God has an odd sense of humor.

Please allow me to give you all some real advice on how to stay sane.

First of all… Stop yelling.

If you go around yelling all the time, no one will know when you are seriously outraged. I know this guy who yelled at his kid to eat a hotdog. If you are yelling at a kid because he won’t eat a hunk of processed meat, what are you going to do when he comes home with that DUI? All your cards have already been dealt. You are going to have to fake a heart attack or something.

This shirt is for people to wear to Little League games… 

or when watching any of the Real Housewives reality series.

 I do realize that I may have, quite recently, told some of you to go to work during #dramaday and yell at people, but that was for fun. Yelling at people for your own amusement is totally different.

Secondly…  Quit letting stupid things get to you.

A woman from cubicle world (i.e., the place I work) once spent an entire day calling the city of Garland to complain about Vietnamese people having a party across the street from her house. Apparently, these people had some beer and left the bottles in their front yard. I am not sure why it was of particular importance that they were Vietnamese, but it was.

She kept calling all these people and telling them she knew the mayor. I kept thinking that if she really knew the mayor, maybe she should just call him with her complaints directly. When she ran out of people to call, she spent the rest of the day asking everyone in the office if there was some sort of Vietnamese holiday she didn’t know about. As if anyone needs a holiday to drink beer in their front yard.

I can see how it would be troubling to look across the street at the evidence of a party to which you were uninvited, but why get all worked up about it when you can use the situation to your advantage? The Vietnamese people have a yard that is already messed up. Grab a lawn chair and a couple of big forties, and head on over. You won’t even have to recycle.

This shirt will either provoke racial tension, 

or prompt people to bring you beer. 

Let me know how it works out for you.

My final bit of advice for maintenance of sanity: Rant on Twitter.

Aside from vodka, ranting on Twitter is my main source of stress relief. I spend most of my time on Twitter in some form of rant, and I’ve found it to be very helpful. The people on Twitter are both witty and very smart (I’m not sure if they are real, but let’s just keep that between us, okay?). They have helped me through several existential crises, and gave many helpful suggestions for dealing with overbearing family members (and this wasn’t even during the holidays).

So, if you are losing your emotional stability. Please feel free to talk to God to see if you need to build that ark. But, if you don’t hear from him immediately, try the virtual people on Twitter. They are always there waiting, safely tucked away in your phone.

Addendum… 

I must give credit where credit is due, Circle of Moms member, Reiko, earned 33 votes with, “Have a stiff cocktail and take a deep breath.” Thank you, Reiko. Your survey votes are now at 34.

Next Post… 

How to create drama in the workplace…. or anywhere else for that matter.