Update on how to improve your life by going to Harvard

I would like to extend an invitation to all my virtual friends to join my imaginary Harvard canoe team. Gigi will be in charge of the megaphone, and rebecca_ods is our first official team member. I don’t know how many rowers are actually on a canoe team, but I am sure it is flexible.

The rowing is imaginary, but the pints are real.

All proceeds from the Harvard Canoe Team will go towards improving my son’s substandard education. It was suggested that a good way to remedy his mediocre educational opportunities would be to send him to Montessori school, so that is where the funds will go. Not for actual Montessori school tuition, but for a large sign that says, “Montessori” that we will hang above the door of his current school. So, who is with me? All we need is a canoe and some oars.

And a megaphone. 

How to improve your life by going, or not going, to Harvard

When someone close to you looks at you and directly asks, “Don’t you want the best for your child?” It calls for a little reflection. However, what I consider best for my child, and what you consider the best could very well be two different things. With all due respect, there are different ways of raising a contributing member of society. --Is that what I am supposed to be doing here? Sometimes I miss the obvious.--

I just want to make sure my kid is happy. If a successful career complete with wife and kids make him happy, so be it. Maybe he wants to be a serial killer, or just loot stores for television sets. That would be fine too.  Perhaps he wants to be a Southern Baptist Snake Handler or a Tea Party Activist. Now he is pushing it, but I would still see my way through to support him.  I just want him to have a fulfilling life, however he defines that for himself. All I ask is that if he is going to be a serial killer, not to bring any severed limbs to the house. We never have any room in the freezer as it is.

This shirt helps serial killers to relate better to the general population. 

Stating you are NOT a serial killer will generally put people at ease. 

Maybe my kid wants to go to Harvard, or the local community college. I am fine with either. Granted, I’m not paying for Harvard, unless it really improves your life in a measurable way.  In that case, I might go too. Has anyone out there been to Harvard? If so, please explain objectively how this experience has improved, or downgraded your life. Also, were you on one of those rowing canoe teams? Are those at Harvard? I have always wanted to be on a rowing canoe team where you row the canoe with the guy yelling through a megaphone, then go out for pints after.  Maybe it is the pints that are appealing. Either way, please advise.

How NOT to Raise a Child

This is probably going to be a multi-part series. I may have to split it off into a separate blog.

TOPIC ONE: How NOT to Choose a School

I am feeling angst because a very close family member disapproves of the school where I am sending my son.  From what I gathered of the conversation, I should be sending him to a school full of Asian or Indian kids, because their performance is so much better than that of American children. I love our school because it is diverse, the teachers are kind, and my kid is happy there. Are these the right reasons? Also we don’t want to move to a fancy neighborhood so my son can go to school with a bunch of kids raised by tiger moms. No offense if you are a tiger mom, but I have sat next to you at little league games and you guys really stress me out.  

This shirt is for tiger moms to wear as a warning to others. Now people won't have to give up a perfectly good seat on the bleachers to avoid you when you start screaming at your kids. 

In my defense, I stated that our selection of neighborhood and school was carefully thought out and I would appreciate her not treating our educational choices as haphazard decisions. However, in retrospect, we did choose our house because the lot has nice trees. Also, we drove by the elementary school down the road and didn’t see any police tape, chalk outlines, or obvious drug trafficking, so we assumed everything would be okay. Apparently, it is far from okay. According to the school ranking system, our school is only RECOGNIZED. A really good school would be EXEMPLARY.  Even though we are still one notch above those poor souls who are only ACCEPTABLE, it was a rookie mistake to choose a house because it has nice trees.

This shirt is for those of you who are recognized. You worked hard to achieve this, and it would be a shame for people to not recognize that you are recognized.

This shirt is for those of you who are acceptable. If you are not acceptable, wearing the shirt might help you out for a while, but I can’t guarantee how long the illusion will be maintained.

Personally, I work very hard to achieve ACCEPTABLE in my own life, and it is not as easy as one might think. Maybe it is not the school my son goes to, or the house that we live in. It could very well be me that is lacking in what it takes to be RECOGNIZED or EXEMPLARY.  I asked my son when he was two years old if he wanted to be a child genius, and he said ‘no.’ Maybe I should have pushed harder, but that ship has sailed. Now he is like every other slacker American kid playing with his Nintendo DS instead of learning to play the viola. This is not because of the educational system. It is because of me. There it is everyone… it is not the fault of the wonderful teachers at my son’s school, it is not the rating system, the problem is me. He could have cured cancer if I didn’t buy him Super Mario Cart.

And NO… if you are EXEMPLARY, you do NOT get a damn shirt. Don’t even ask.

How to Choose a Career

The following is a description of my husband’s behavior after he buys an item at the store. This narrative is not particularly important in the specifics of job hunting, but does eventually apply to the entire scheme of things. If you are reading this rather than looking for a job, you probably need a break anyway. Writing cover letters is excruciating. 

Husband has now finished his purchase. The cashier counts out a five and several one dollar bills for his change. The item is in the bag, and at this SuperCenter, this moment in time, this particular transaction is now complete. The cashier is standing there, waiting for the next group of items to roll down the conveyor belt. A line of people are standing there, expecting to move forward, and on with their lives. None of these things matter to my husband, as he carefully smoothes, straightens and arranges all of his bills with each the president’s head facing the same direction. I, on the other hand, never want to hold up progress in a SuperCenter, which is why I always wad up the whole mess of dollar bills and shove them in my purse.

That said, earlier this week my beloved takes me out for a drink. He looks deeply into my eyes and… asks if I have money for the tip. I am busy messing around with the salt on my shot of tequila, so I tell him I have plenty of change, and that he should retrieve it from my purse. So, he reaches into my purse, pauses, then holds up a huge wad of crumpled one dollar bills. The expression on his face is a mixture of disgust and dismay. He is totally ungrateful, I might add, for my willingness to pay the tip. I consider explaining that the bills are like this because I am not an asshole who holds people up in Wal-Mart, but I find it easier to say clearly, in a very loud voice, “Sorry, those are my tips from stripping.”

The thing I like about declaring loudly that you are a stripper, is that everyone can automatically imagine what it is you do though out your workday, or night as the case may be. For example, you can’t just yell out, “Those are my tips from working as an Instructional Designer.” That statement would only confuse people. Plus, I don’t even think they make tips.

This brings us to our main topic of the day: How to Choose a Career. People will tell you all about salary and benefits, but they never tell you that the most important aspect of choosing a career is to get a good title. If you have a good title, people don’t look at you funny when you tell them you are a Dynamic Marketing Associate or a Direct Integration Facilitator. (Resume Tip -- For more ridiculous job titles, try Bullshit Job: Job Title Generator. There are tons of them.)

Doctor, lawyer, and stripper are all instantly recognizable, clear-cut job titles with no explanation required. The problem with these obtaining these jobs, however, is often lack of skill and/or qualification… and, of course, proper attire. Lawyers, for instance, wear power suits, so you will need to get one of those. I don’t know whether they come with the power, or if you have to get that separate. I'm sure the salespeople at JC Penney’s will know, so just ask them when you get there.

In the meantime, allow me to share a personal example of how lack of appropriate attire can limit your career options. Specifically, how I blew my chance to be a stripper. 

I once went into a strip club with a group of friends because I had never been to one. (I have never been to a Catholic Church service either, but that is on my to-do list.) Apparently, being a girl in a strip club, the club owner is required to come over and check to see if you are job hunting. Surprisingly enough, there wasn't even an application to fill out. I’m not sure what the hiring process for stripper typically involves, but this person seemed willing to let me get up on stage within the hour without even a reference check. 

They most likely quit making people fill out the applications. Writing down your references, five year goals and highest level of education would take a lot of the glamour out of dancing in a g-string to heavy metal songs. Plus, I would be really angry if I had to put on my glass platform heels just to end up filling out forms about my previous work experience. Glass platform heels are really uncomfortable.

The reason my stripper career failed to proceed was not because of lack of qualification or skill. I could take the time to mention here that lack of skill is probably why I would have been fired. I happen to be a horrible dancer and I’m really clumsy in heels, but that was not my downfall as of yet. The blunder resulting in my failed stripper career was my failure to have right sort of clothing on hand. The club owner said some of the girls could loan me their items, but I would have felt really uncomfortable wearing someone else's g-string.

If you are already in a career with an ambiguous title, it is probably too late for you to switch to being a stripper. However, you can always change your title. You should consider a title incorporating words like specialist, or expert. These are terms that make you already seem important with no further action required. Do not use words like developer or consultant. These terms imply action and people will eventually expect you to do stuff. And don’t be a cashier at Wal-Mart SuperCenter. The job title is fine, but you will spend most of your time watching my husband arrange his dollar bills. I’m not sure what effect that will have on you in the long run, but it is not boding well for me.

Did God Create the Universe?

I was raised to not question anything from the Bible, like creation. However, if someone tells you not ask questions about something, that in and of itself is the best reason to delve right into it. After all, you need to know where lines are so you can color outside of them. Therefore, when the Discovery Channel announced that Stephen Hawking would be figuring out if God really created the universe, I was like, “Awesome. Let’s do this thing!”




And so it began. Television producers got together to answer the question, “Is there a meaningful outcome to this story we call the universe?” Commercial sponsors got together to answer the question, “Is Nissan an innovative company?” and “Should you ask your doctor about persistent heartburn?” After a brief promo for a show about people fishing with their bare hands, the program began, and I settled in with my popcorn to ponder our collective fate. That is when Stephen Hawking ruined EVERYTHING. He got himself on TV, and flat out stated that there is no god. There is no controller of our destiny. The master narrative of our religious faith is useless and we are all miniscule specks in an indifferent universe. Dammit, Stephen Hawking! I just wanted to color outside the lines. You didn't have to burn the whole coloring book!

In short, we are doomed. I have isolated the main problem to gravity. Don’t let gravity fool you. It may be keeping that pencil on your desk right now, but it is bad news. You see, everything around us was created by this giant star exploding billions of years ago because gravity was bored and didn’t have anything better to do. Now that gravity is done exploding stars, it is forcing the universe to slowly spread apart into vast infinite nothingness. We are condemned drift unwillingly into the meaningless void of eternity. Are we there yet? No... and we NEVER WILL BE!

Just when I thought I had stayed up too late without figuring out the universe, I decided to consult with my panel of philosophical experts (Twitter is rampant with philosophical experts). This is what I found out:

@AIRIGOAGAIN believes that we are “masters of our destiny in the same way that sailors are the master of their journey. You can’t control the sea, only react.” When pressed, he did admit that you could control at least part of the sea, “ a really small part, close to the shore. Or the part touching the hull of the ship that is yourself.” However, I wouldn’t recommend getting that close to the water so soon after shark week. Those sharks didn’t look like they were done.

@engr_andy recommends catching up on your karma by reading a story about Buddhists rescuing a boat of lobsters: Good Karma: Buddhists Liberate 500 Lobsters Destined for Dinner Plates. His hope is that "maybe someone will cut my rubber bands off and throw me overboard." I tend to agree there is a good chance of this. Buddhists always turn up when you least expect them.

According to @debihen, the path to karma and finding meaning in life is more direct than we realize, “Clearly, we tend to complicate things when it's all simple. Metal Chicken and be kind. Life in a nutshell.” This comment brings to light the impossible fact that the Discovery Channel and Stephen Hawking failed to consider a metal chicken in their ENTIRE god vs. the universe program. @jbrown3079 reasoned that the show was obviously put together “before we discovered the power of the metal chicken.” Frankly, I feel it was an irresponsible oversight on their part and I expect a retraction.

With this in mind, let’s take another look at the universe from a more practical perspective. In the wise words of @msCreatrix, “Here's the thing about the Universe… It makes as much sense as Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken.” Yes. Yes it does.

So, there it is... Be kind, rescue lobsters when you find them, and respect the power of the metal chicken. We can’t ask religion or Stephen Hawking to define the mysterious pull towards a connection larger than ourselves. But, we can create our own narrative as we make our way through the sea of time. And, if you feel trapped by your circumstances, hold your course. You never know when some Buddhists are going to pop up around the corner to cut rubber bands off your claws.

In the meantime, no more Discovery Channel for me. Tonight, I will follow @feuxdeforet’s advice and watch kitty videos on YouTube.

Wasteland Survival Update

I have updated the plan for wasteland survival based on all of your valuable input. You may now begin hostile takeover of Wal-mart, Google Headquarters, and Chuck E. Cheese restaurants. When attacking Chuck E. Cheese locations, please make sure all animatronics survive in good condition as they are somehow key to the overall strategy. 

All canned goods are approved for hoarding as long as you have removed the labels. Also, hobos and dragons have been added to the list of acceptable pets.

In other recent developments, @AngentDragonFly informed us that PetSmart is now sponsoring pterodactyl adoptions. If you are seeking a pet for the upcoming apocalypse, please consider one of these guys. They need good homes.

What we can all learn from Shark Week

For those of you unaware, last week was Shark Week on Discovery Channel. For me, it is the first week of the rest of my life in which I will never go to a beach again. Aside from this, there is more we can take away from shark week other than a great deal of sympathy for those cute and ultimately doomed baby seals.

First of all, I cannot express firmly enough how important it is during Shark Week to be aware of your culinary choices. For example, cherry pie may seem like a great desert choice, until you are looking down at it noticing how similar in color it is to a severed human leg. If you are on a diet, this could work to your advantage.

More food to avoid serving during televised shark attack re-enactments is jelly donuts. This was a tip sent via twitter by @ToMotherNature. I tend to agree that jelly donuts are the worst possible food choice for Shark Week. Armed with this knowledge, I may have to invite people over now for a nice little Shark Week brunch.

My facebook friend Debbie (aka @debihen), suggests serving minced meat pie for Shark Week. I tried to act on her suggestion, but could not find this particular pie premade at the grocery store. I will only eat pies that are pre-made at the grocery store. I will also eat pies other people have prepared. On further reflection, my issues with pie seemed to be tied in more to the aspects of preparation than the eating. Did you come here to read about my issues with pie? Probably not, but it is clearly too late now.

Right now you are most likely regretting the fact that you have just wasted several seconds of your day reading a slightly ridiculous shark blog entry about pie.  Allow me to console you. One important premise we can take away from Shark Week is that your day could always be worse. No matter what kind of day you are having, it would be infinitely more terrible with a shark chewing on one of your limbs. I suggest we all take a moment this instant to be grateful we are not currently being attacked by sharks.

You don’t even have to stop at sharks when applying this principle to your daily life.  You can always, for instance, be grateful for not being trampled by stampeding cattle.  Debbie considers “shark attacks, killer bee attacks, and fire ant attacks” as further reasons to appreciate your amazing ability to go about your day unimpeded.  In fact, she recommends you use these examples while creating your “NOT to do list.”

Of course, this premise can only be taken so far. If you are dying of a drug overdose, then a shark attack wouldn’t seem so bad in the whole scheme of things. Allow me to take a moment to convey my heartfelt sympathy to anyone currently suffering a drug addiction and simultaneous shark attack. Your day could not possibly get any worse… at least not without fire ants.

Reading these blogs, you could get the idea I don't know any real people. Just so you know, I do know actual live individuals and not just twittery-facebook ones. However, the actual real people in my proximity always want me to do things like go to cattle stampedes or shark-infested beaches. Plus, I have the sneaking suspicion that they do not exist. How can I prove people are really there if I am not looking right at them? For all I know, they could dissolve the second I look away. Or, as @whejas suggests, if I have failed to previously imagine them. If I know you in person and you are not existing right now, this means I have failed you. I’m sorry.

This post seems to have wandered a bit off topic. To wrap things up, here are a few things we can all learn from Shark Week:

1. Be grateful for things you are not currently being attacked by
2. Remember to exist when no one is looking right at you

I hope you have found this helpful.