The Best Self Help T-Shirt Catalog Ever

How to Confront your Fears

2012-01-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

Because I am an altruist, I decided to use my Self-HelpT-Shirt Blog (my other Self-Help T-Shirt blog) help you all overcome your fears. Of course, I have no idea what your fears are, so I had to start with mine. Of my three main fears, air travel, eating, and car washes, you helped me overcome all but one.

Debihen wisely pointed out that the fear of traveling alone stems mainly from the fact that if the plane goes down, you will be forced to hold the hand of the person next to you for comfort….a person who could very well be germy and/or might scream like a girl. Plus it could be awkward later if the plane fails to actually sink to the bottom of the ocean. Luckily, Midianite Manna suggested all of this can be avoided simply by taking along a taxidermied mouse. If anyone happens to have a taxidermied mouse, let’s talk offline.

Lots of people had insight into the fear of eating alone. Gigi suggested impressing all the people staring at you by working a crossword puzzle in PEN. This is what very smart people do. Midianite Manna had an even better idea that if you fill out the crossword in Greek or Cyrillic letters, you will appear even smarter. I fully agree. I suggest you go ahead and fill one of these out in advance. That way, the pressure is off while you are at the restaurant by yourself trying to eat while everyone is staring at you.

MsDarkstar the Creatrix mentioned that she would like to one day dine at the fancy fondue place, but not as a solitary endeavor. I have never been to a fancy fondue place, but it sounds exactly like the type of thing you wouldn’t want to go to alone. She suggests finding an alcove under stairs for your dining experience, a very brilliant idea. However, if people see you lurking underneath an alcove with a fondue pot, they might find you rather strange. I’m going to locate an alcove anyway, so I can have it handy just in case.

Andreas Heinakroon brought up a theory that we feel awkward eating an elaborate savory meal alone because we are supposed to sharing it with our fellow hunter gatherers. This makes total sense to me because I don’t feel odd eating a granola bar alone. Of course, if I was at a table somewhere eating a granola bar, I would be terrified. He admits after stating the theory that it seemed a bit contrived, and I think we can all agree the concept really doesn’t fit in with fondue. I guess he figured he already had the comment all typed out, so he might as well go ahead with it.

Lahikmajoe suggested reading a book or the paper. I think this is a brilliant idea. I don’t know how many of you have actually seen a print newspaper, but they are unbelievably large. A newspaper is large enough to construct a temporary hiding place for yourself as you pretend to read the articles you will later catch up with online or through Twitter. As an added bonus, most newspapers come with a crossword puzzle. Double win for all of us. Thanks everyone for helping me work this out.

As for the car wash, it is an issue left unresolved. Apparently, I am not the only person afraid of the car wash. At least we can all take comfort in the fact we are not alone. If you ever see anyone stuck in a car wash because their car is rammed into it, take them the newspaper you bought for dinner later so they will have something to hide underneath. You don’t have to get them the entire paper. You can give them a section of it, the sports section, perhaps.

All considered, I am very pleased with the outcome of this blog post. I always say that if my blog helps only one person in the world, it is worth all the effort… especially if that person is me.

You can click here to read: How to Confront your Fears. However, I suggest you skip right to the comment section for the really useful bric-a-brac, hodge-podge, and whatnot.

Month in Review

2011-12-29T10:02:00.000-08:00

I’ve moved my blog to WordPress (http://lgalaviz.wordpress.com) because I like the way the comment sections are set up, but now I feel bad abandoning my old Blogger blog. (Sorry, I didn't tell you Oscar, it would have been good to mention.) Is anyone still here reading this besides Oscar? If you are here, it is not because I have abandoned you and moved on. Okay, I have moved on, but I want you to come with me. Here is summary of what you are missing over at WordPress.

Milkshakes from the Past

Ashton Kutcher was being witty with me at McDonald’s and offered me milkshakes from the past. I was too preoccupied by obtaining McGriddles to take him up on it. There is also a nice t-shirt available for those of you who would like to avoid perfect strangers offering you milkshakes.

How to Survive a Year

This is a very helpful guide for surviving an entire year. I know you probably think you have been surviving the years already, but you can survive so much more efficiently using my simple guidelines.

Ants on a Branch

This is the post where I am slightly drunk and trying to win an argument with Andreas Heinakroon of heinakroon.com by yelling out obscure statements like “Ants on a Branch” without bothering to explain them. I think I win.

Enjoy a life of crime, or scientific achievement, whichever

On further reflection, I have been spending a lot of blog posts trying to win arguments with Andreas Heinakroon. Did you know that scientific achievement and crime are both motivated by sex? Andreas fails to agree with me on the finer points of this. He thinks I am over-simplifying the matter. What he doesn’t know that I am purposefully doing this to win an argument. If you can’t win by distorting facts, it is hardly worth the effort.

Why Girls Rule and Boys Drool

Again, this post is part of an argument with Andreas Heinakroon. This time, my argument is firmly backed by science and also @whoremonger's brilliant statement that both proves I win, and also uses the term, “not in a million years jack wagon.”

How to Win at Christmas

If you haven't already won at Christmas, it is a little late to worry about it now. Especially you, Oscar, with your "Bah F*cking Humbug" ornament. Oh wait, I gave that to you. Never mind.

One last quick thing before I go, onions could be killing you, or saving your life. Just thought you should know.

My Story of Texas

2011-12-03T22:35:00.000-08:00

The concept of Texas has come up a lot lately, much in part to Lahikmajoe’s Non-Tea Blog. I have to say that I am most impressed with @lucysfootball and her take on the Texas culture and what outsiders may think of it. Let me take a moment to say that Lucy’s Football Blog slant on this topic is actually way funnier than mine, so now is your chance to bail.

Oh... you are still here. Great.

I have chosen to take this opportunity to consider what being a Texan means to me. You see, my family is perhaps one of the last of the stereotypical Texans. Despite my sarcastic and liberal demeanor, I am a direct link to rural Texas and what it means to be a real cowboy.

I grew up spending a lot of time out in the country with my grandmother. My grandmother was a tough woman. She grew vegetables in her garden, and pickled her own beets and cucumbers. Her house had no central air or heat and the television only got about three channels and that was on a good day. The phone was a party line. You knew by the pattern of rings if the call was yours. If you picked it up and there was someone talking, you were supposed to put the handset down quietly. Sometimes I would take a minute or two to listen in, but always found the conversation excruciatingly boring.

When “Nan-Mamma,” as we called her, needed to do laundry or pick up supplies, we went to 'into town' (population 6,000) to the laundromat and the “Dixie Winn.” I don’t think that particular brand of grocery store is still around, but if it were, the proper name of it would be pronounced, “Winn Dixie.” You wouldn’t dare tell that to my grandmother. That woman had a sharp tongue and a quick hand. The best plan was always to lay low.

My mother currently works part-time in the office of a cattle auction. The people in that office love to make fun of the city folk who come in and do silly things. This makes it extremely fun to embarrass my mother when visiting her at work. I usually have someone ask for her to come out and speak with me about “buying the cow outside with the brown eyes.” It is like our code actually.

My dad was once a farmer/rancher. The farming part grew hay for the cattle. I remember seeing the hay balers and bright green John Deere tractors and combines, sitting powerfully still under the corrugated metal roof of the shed. At the time, I was impressed at their size as I had metal drawf-sized counter parts as toys at home. As an adult, I am astounded by the scope of the mechanical what-not that had to be properly greased and maintained. My dad has a knack for keeping things working. I have a AAA card.

My dad took me with him to the auction barn on the days he sold or bought cattle. I would play quietly with whatever toys I had brought along as he made his bids or watched his cows being sold. I distinctly remember the aggressive chant of the auctioneer, the sound of the cattle, and the faint smell of manure in the background. It is the same auction my mother works at today. Nothing has changed much, expect that my adult eyes see it as smaller than I remember.

My dad always drove a white Ford truck. When one gave out he bought another one just like it… one white Ford pickup after the other. I remember riding in the back of those trucks as my dad called 'the cow out to feed.' I asked him once if I could have a cow. He gave one each to both my brother and me. Although, I suspect he picked them out at random. It is just as well as I couldn’t tell one cow from the other anyway.

My parents had a double freezer and when we needed meat, they would “take a cow to slaughter.” We had every part of cow in that freezer. My dad would scramble the brains with eggs, telling my brother and I that it would make us smarter. I don’t know how eating cow brain could make you any smarter. Even if eating the brain could somehow transfer the brain of a cow into yours, the only skill you would gain is how to lick a block of salt and chew your cud. It just doesn’t pencil out.

I remember trips to the feed store. Of course, my memory is that of a young child. I remember the earthy, malty smell of the feed, but mainly I remember the bubble gum machine. There were two sections to the machine, and each took a penny. One section contained tiny little square pieces of candy-coated gum, while the other had small round colorful balls. It was always a dilemma because the ball section only pushed out one piece of gum. The other section, if you turned the handle just right, would push out two or three. So, according to my childhood memories, the important takeaway from this is that Texas has gum. Don’t let them tell you any different.

My dad doesn’t have a ranch anymore. My parents own their own rental apartments now, and have long since sold their land in the country. My dad still drives a truck, but instead of baling wire for hay, the truck bed is cluttered with paint cans and sections of cabinet for apartment upkeep. He wears a cowboy hat, but only outside in the sun, because hats for real cowboys are for function, not for nightclubs. He doesn’t own a pair of dress shoes or sneakers. Instead, he has two pairs of boots, one pair for everyday, and one for Sunday.

So, that is my story of Texas. And now, with great pride, I would like you all to meet a real cowboy:

Me and my Dad.

How to Plan for a Road Trip

2011-11-28T06:32:00.000-08:00

This blog is in transition and currently has no point to it whatsoever. If you are looking for the Self-Help T-Shirt Catalog, I moved it to WordPress. So you should click here. If someone is trying to make you leave your house to go on a road trip and you don't want to stop what you are doing, then keep reading.

This past week was Thanksgiving, and we were visiting my husband's family. It was that awkward day after Thanksgiving when the large dinner is sitting in the refrigerator, and guests are sitting around the house. We had just had breakfast, and my sister-in-law's boyfriend's mom said that they were going to drive over to her brother's or cousin's house for a visit. Somehow, like a row of dominoes crashing one into the other, this turned into the opportunity for a road trip.

Looking back on that moment, as we were poised on the edge of a road trip to go sit in someone’s house, I realize that my family can be very difficult to move when we are not motivated. I really don’t want to go sit in someone’s house. Sitting in someone’s house is the most boring thing in the world. Especially when it is mid-morning after breakfast. There will be no food, and it is way too early for drinks. That means there will literally be nothing to do but sit. I felt incredibility unmotivated to sit but had already vowed to be pleasant during the holiday, so I gathered some things I thought my son and I would require.

Steps to ready for a road trip I don’t want to take are extremely detailed. First, there will be a long discussion about where we are driving, in what direction, and details on how long the trip will take. Then, we will have another discussion about what entertainment devices should be packed. Please be aware that all devices (iPad, iPod, NintendoDS, Kindle and laptop) will be packed regardless of the discussion outcome. Also finding all the devices scattered around the house will take longer than usual, as I will be checking Twitter or my blog comments instead of looking for them. We will need to pack a cooler of drinks to avoid possible dehydration. Once we are finally in the van, I will need to dash out of it at least twice for last minute items such as sunglasses or chargers for all the devices.

Steps to get ready for a trip we do want to take are a little simpler. After my mother-in-law announced that we did NOT have to go to shopping at the River Walk, but could instead take a trip to Natural Bridge Caverns, my son and I made it to the van in thirty seconds flat. Then, we looked at each other... wondering what was taking everyone so long.

How to be Happy

2011-11-27T07:03:00.000-08:00

In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama tells a story about a guy taking a nap in a boat. Suddenly, a bump awakens him. He looks up and sees another boat. He becomes very angry with the person in this boat for deliberately waking him from his nap. When he arises to confront this jerk, he realizes the other boat is empty. When he understands it was only the current pushing the other boat into his, the anger dissolves. That is why I like to think of people as boats.

Popcorn Ceiling

2011-11-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

First off, I should tell you that this is no longer the catalog of imaginary t-shirts. If you are looking for the shirts, go to my shiny new WordPress site: The Best Self-Help T-Shirt Catalog Ever. This is now the blog where I will go on about things that are too long for Twitter, and not really appropriate for Facebook. I have been neglecting my FaceBook page, actually. Need to think of something clever to put on there. I am drinking coffee right now. That should do. Hang on a minute...

Okay, I am back. I was thinking this morning that I need do something about the popcorn texture on our ceiling. Often, when my mother-in-law visits, she will complain about popcorn ceilings from the seventies and how awful they are. To her credit, I don't think she realizes that she is sitting in the very living room of a house from the seventies under a ceiling of popcorn that belongs to me. It is a little troubling to me all the same. So, here is my plan.

Step 1. Win the lottery. I know you are going to tell me that it is nearly impossible for people to win the lottery, but I don't think they are trying hard enough. I should be able to do it in a week or so.

Step 2. Pay all the decorating people and decorating books and magazines in the entire world to make popcorn ceilings come back in style again. This shouldn't be that hard. They are probably out there looking for the next new thing right now and it may as well be popcorn ceilings.

Step 3. Pay for my mother-in-law to get a new stylish popcorn ceiling in whatever color she desires. Yes, they will be coming in colors--Bright ones.

And then.... I strike!

Step 4. Get rid of our popcorn ceiling, go over to her house, and talk about how tacky they are.

Winning! And in ONLY four steps. I am so great today.

I know you are thinking that I should have not wasted my time bribing decorators with the popcorn ceilings. You are probably thinking I could have used all this time and money curing cancer or saving children or something. But this is MY fictional money, and I will spend it how I please. Thank you very much.

Side Note: I just realized that all I have to do is slap a picture of a t-shirt on this and it will be just like my old blog. I think the dual blog thing is giving me an identity crisis.

The Galleria is Evil

2011-11-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

The next few posts will be about things I learned on the InterBlogs, and people who deserve their own t-shirts. So, this blog is now a blog for the people who read my blog. Or read blogs that I read while I am writing my blog. Or write blogs that.... anyway, if you are still reading at this point, you must be entangled somehow, so let's get on with it.

My first InterBlog recognition and t-shirt dedication goes to Alura’s CrossWorlds Cafe for the post, “Sorry Lisa, they’re still out of monkeys… “

This clothing line is dedicated to you, Alura, for surviving the Teavana at the Galleria, and also obtaining your $50.00 pound of antioxidant tea. You will be able to fight oxidants for years to come. At least you actually bought tea while you were there. I bought some sort of leafy substance called a Samurai Mate, which apparently, as Lahikmajoe pointed out in his post, “Don’t tell her it’s not tea,” isn’t even tea! I guess the moral of this story is that you shouldn’t go around buying things just because they have the word Samurai on them. On the other hand, what am I supposed to do a teashop, Lahikmajoe? Go around saying, “Are you SURE this is tea? What about this one? Is this one tea?” That would make me look like an idiot!

Wait. I know what you are thinking, and you are wrong. Demanding to see the Oolong monkeys does NOT make me look like an idiot. That makes me a discerning customer. Plus, they wouldn’t even bring out the monkeys! When I started getting agitated, they were like, “Oh, watch out! An oxidant!” Clever hippies.

I am just now realizing that Teavana never actually explained how to use my pounds of tea to fight the oxidants. Maybe you need lots of tea because you are supposed to be using it as ammunition in some sort of antioxidant weaponry. I should go back there. Maybe if I buy actual tea this time they will let me see the monkeys.

For a blog post that was supposed to be about someone else, this is sure starting to look like one of my typical rants. I blame Lahikmajoe. Back to the point of this whole thing…. Congratulations, Alura, on "investing in your health and well-being". Hope it didn’t set you back too much. Enjoy your t-shirts.

If this shirt actually gets you monkeys, you owe me one.

I wanted some sort of Clint Eastwood saying on this one, like: Do you feel lucky, Oxidants? Well do ya? but for all I know, Oxidants really do feel lucky and it wouldn't work.

A Thanksgiving Post for the Travelers

2011-11-14T07:35:00.000-08:00

Several of you felt a little left out during the Thanksgiving Survey because you will be traveling to other locations rather than sponsoring the event yourselves. Since you will not be cooking, you apparently don't need to choose between pork rinds or skewered green beans for your side dishes. So Joshua, pack your kids in the car with the diapers and milk cups, because this post is for you!

For those of you feeling out of the loop, I want you to know that I too will not be cooking during Thanksgiving Dinner. In fact, I will never get to cook for Thanksgiving. You see, I took my own Thanksgiving Survey and answered mostly B. A Type B cook is someone who doesn’t understand enough about cooking to know the significance of say, baking powder. If baking powder is so important for that batch of cookies, why does the recipe only call for like a teaspoon of it?

Apparently cooking isn’t that logical, because that little dab of baking power is fairly important to the performance of the cookies. And also, if you are trying to make brownies and you have no eggs in your house, there is nothing you can put in brownie mix that will substitute for the eggs. Don’t even try it. As you can probably guess, a lot of times when baking I tend to give up and just eat the batter.

So, being a Type B cook, no one ever lets me do anything in the kitchen during holidays. I think the problem is that no one has appreciation for the unexpected. Cookies have to rise, and turkeys have to arrive at the table un-charred with absolutely no room for error. Therefore, I will be joining all of you who will get in a car and drive somewhere. Some of us, like Debihen, are driving to see friends. Some, like Elizabeth Francois, will be on the way to the in-laws. Some of you are joyful about it, some of you are apprehensive.

I belong in the crowd of the apprehensive. It has come to my attention recently, that some of you think there is something wrong with me. Not that there is anything wrong with having something wrong with me. Well, I guess there is something wrong, because wrong is the recognized definition of having something wrong. Anyway, I think you see my point. Or not.

This whole thing started out when a friend of mine told me to read an article for people with Asperger’s Syndrome. I was a little put out by the implications of this, but it turned out to be a good article (See How to Establish Rapport in the Workplace). Next, @eldergeek, in a totally unrelated situation, sends me a link so I can test myself for autism. A test which I PASSED by the way. Wait, which way is it if there is nothing wrong with you, to pass, or to not pass? Whichever one it is where there is nothing wrong with me, that is the way it went. Okay? So there is NOTHING wrong with me.

That being said, I think there might be something wrong with me. Take Thanksgiving, for example. These types of holidays usually involve getting together with extended family and hugging. I should point out here, that I don’t like hugging strangers. And by strangers, I am including distant cousins, close cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws and the elderly. Also, I hate that thing where people greet you by kissing you on the cheek. Kissing on the cheek takes the whole greeting thing way too far. My husband’s family is the kissing on the cheek variety. Some of them even want to even kiss both cheeks, which I definitely consider as overkill. Maybe, if I admit something is wrong with me, I can forgo all of this cheek kissing and live a normal life. Or an abnormal life, whatever it is you do after you admit to having a syndrome.

This should help cut down on the cheek kissing.

Another problem I have is people talking to me. Sometimes I don’t mind when people talk to me. Sometimes people say things like, “I read your blog and it is so funny!” I like talking to those people. However, my relatives never read my blog. Mainly because I hide it from them at all costs. So, they usually say something like, “How is your job going?” And I usually say something like, “Fine.” Then they look at me oddly because now the conversation is at a standstill. I try hard to think of something I can say that will be entertaining without pissing anyone off. Nothing ever comes readily to mind.

Caution: If you throw off the rhythm of the conversation, you risk pushing everyone to the default topic of football.

In an effort to keep the conversation going, I will usually expand upon my previous statement, muttering something like, “Really fine.” The disappointed relative wanders away and I consol myself for this failure with a few gulps of wine. Then, another relative approaches. There is hugging, a couple of face kisses, and finally an animated question to which I can tell they are expecting a compelling answer, “How is your job going?” Sigh.

It’s been a long life already. I should have been an octopus.

How to Create a Troll

2011-11-13T14:04:00.003-08:00

When Lahikmajoe started his new WordPress blog, and told me had a ‘troll,’ I was intrigued. However, after a quick trip to Wikipedia, I was a little disappointed to find out that a ‘troll’ is someone who makes inflammatory remarks on a blog that are often completely out of context of the blogger’s subject matter. Not exactly a gruesome little figure hiding under a bridge, but close I guess.

It turns out that this ‘troll’ entered the world based on a combination of two events: Lakimajoe deciding to create a new WordPress blog, and my decision to use my Blogger blog to promote my WordPress blog.

I am merrily typing away, as usual, with reckless abandon. In doing so, I place a link to Lahikmajoe’s new blog inside a mess of other links embedded in a conversation about blowjobs and next to a large image of a t-shirt saying “Fuck the Bells.” You may have seen it.

Our friend, Jim, who is very nice by the way, reads about the blowjobs, the fuck bells, and so forth. Despite this, he somehow decides to visit my shiny new blog in the land of WordPress. Fatefully, he clicks the link to Lahikmajoe’s shiny new blog in the land of WordPress.

As you can imagine, a person showing up suddenly talking about blowjobs and “fuckbells” when you in the middle of politely introducing your non-tea blog, can be somewhat disconcerting. Lahikmajoe thought Jim was completely mad. While I do feel that I have owed Lahikmajoe a madman for some time now, I in no way wanted to get Jim mixed up in all of this. So, Jim… please accept my formal apology in the form of this t-shirt.

You are welcome, Jim. Wear it with pride.

So, in the interest of improving communication, and in making my blog less of a confusing muddled mess, I am going to provide you with some links below. Clicking on these links and responding to them will probably not make you seem like a lunatic, but there is clearly no guarantee.

Here is a link, clearly marked as such, to Lahikmajoe’s new WordPress blog. I have no idea what he plans to do with it, but it will no doubt be interesting.

Here is a link to my new WordPress blog. I would caution you not to go in there just to yell “fuckbell,” but the term is rather endearing and we like it now. So, knock yourself out.

Here is a link to the Lucy’s Football Guide to Twitter Etiquette. I think we need one for blog etiquette regarding t-shirts with bell obscenities. This is unmarked territory.

Lastly, here is a link to Jim’s site, your FACE is my blog. He has been a champ about all of this, so go encourage him on the Nano novel that he is not writing. Apparently, while Jim acknowledges the motivation Nano provides, he does not enjoy ‘pooping out words.’ Personally, I hear they are high in fiber.

How to be funny on Twitter

2011-11-13T06:11:00.000-08:00

Come and see my new WordPress post, “How to be funny on Twitter” in which Handflapper ruins my Blog Contest by winning it hands down in 30 seconds with a blowjob comment.

However, some people might be offended by blowjob comments. If this is the case, and blowjob comments offend you, there is also a compelling story from Andreas Heinakroon about how to steal Salvation Army uniform jackets. Or at least, that is what I got out of the story.

In the event someone steals your Salvation Army uniform or, less likely, it happens to blow away in the wind, there will also be t-shirts:

Was going to explain that this really makes more sense in context, but who am I kidding?

If you are still not compelled to visit my WordPress blog, don’t worry, I have left the best part for last. When you visit my WordPress blog, lahikmajoe will share with you the proper spelling of the name, Kaddafi. Or Gadaffi. I should have been paying more attention.

Please note that my spelling here, of the name Quadafi, is most likely not the proper spelling. But then again, I have to make sure you visit the site, don’t I? Or do I? You know what? Never mind about going over there, just leave all your flattering comments right here. Those people are a bunch of flakes anyway.

My New Place

2011-11-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know that I have a new place over at WordPress. It is really nice over there, but I’m not quite moved in yet.

I meant to use the opportunity of a fresh new start to write a grown-up blog instead of rambling on about t-shirts. In the spirit of setting up my new blog properly, I decided to follow WordPress’ advice and refer to the DailyPost for inspiration. Then, that is when Kristen, in Ways to Develop Your Unique Writing Voice, told me that unless I develop my ‘mature voice’ I am going to end up wandering around and making a mess of things.

Andreas Heinakroon commented, “Great new blog! Very grown-up, very mature. You seem to have found a more substantial tone of voice, a more confident writing style.” With this comment, and my new mature writing style, I was well on my way to world domination. Then, I posted a picture of a butt.

I guess a mature writing style just isn't my thing.

So, give me time to decorate and move some things over there, and I will take all of you with me to my glorious new place. Assuming you are willing to get into the back of a windowless van.

For Further Research

To develop your writing voice:
Ways to Develop Your Unique Writing Voice | Kristen Lamb’s Blog

To see my new blog page:
http://lgalaviz.wordpress.com/
(Keep in mind it's not done yet. Or even started, really. I'm planning to have widgets.)

To be reincarnated as an octopus:
The dread of reincarnation
(This does seem a little off topic, but you never know when an article about octopi incarnation will come in handy.)

Thanksgiving Survey

2011-11-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

Preparing for Thanksgiving guests can be stressful and time consuming. Improve the quality of your Thanksgiving dinner by answering a few simple questions about your food and serving preferences. Based on your input, you will receive a helpful t-shirt as well as some tips to improve your preparation process.

1. How do you typically serve the Thanksgiving turkey?

Fried in a large vat to the internal temperature of 165°F (74°C). Feel free to verify the temperature by stabbing the turkey with the meat thermometer while it is hanging directly over
With crisp black skin on the outside with raw/frozen turkey carcass on the inside.
On a 19-inch Italian hand-painted turkey platter.
From a package that says Oscar Mayer.

2. What types of beverages will you provide?

A Pinot Noir with nuanced flavors and subtle earthy undertones. Don't forget the wine opener, it was really awkward last year when you opened that bottle with the umbrella.
Instant powered tea that is always too dark or too light because the instructions on the side of the jar are vague and hard to follow.
The beverage doesn’t matter so much as the fact that all the stemware matches.
Natural Light

3. What types of side dishes will you serve?

Probably something you can skewer and cook over open flame. Like green beans.
Holiday Jell-O Salad with cream cheese, seedless grapes, and cherry Jell-O. It is fine if you only have green Jell-O and you can substitute cottage cheese for cream cheese since it is about the same thing. However, you will realize at the last minute that you don’t have the right kind of pan to mold it all together, and the whole concoction ends up looking like alien vomit.
The fruit salad one of your houseguests agreed to bring over. Of course, you will have to immediately stop what you are doing in order to transfer the salad from their Tupperware container to a more appropriate 12.5" Diameter Lace Cut Crystal Serving Bowl, then quickly wash and hide the plastic container from view.
Pork Rinds.

4. What type of dessert will you be serving?

Caramel Apple Flambé or Pumpkin Crème Brûlée. It really doesn’t matter which, as long as you get to break out your new butane torch.
Cookies. Except you were out of baking powder, so you left it out. Apparently, the baking powder is a more crucial cookie ingredient than it seems. You call someone to stop by the grocery store to pick up a cake.
Dessert will be served on delicate china dessert plates with sterling silver tiny forks. You also plan to serve coffee in tiny cups on matching saucers with miniscule silver spoons for stirring. This ensures that everyone has twice as many plates and utensils as they actually need while simultaneously making them feel like huge cumbersome giants.
Twinkies with chocolate syrup.

5. What types of centerpieces will adorn your table?

Your last centerpiece unexpectedly caught on fire during dessert after you got carried away with the butane torch, so you try to avoid them.
You were going to get a cornucopia at Wal-Mart but you forgot.
Nothing says fall like a glorious harvest wheat centerpiece.
The carved pumpkin from Halloween with the sagging part strategically angled.

6. What kind of dinnerware will you be using?

Thick earthenware plates that are chip resistant and fire retardant. And skewers.
Thanksgiving dishes mixed with two or three from the Christmas dish set because you dropped a few of each last year and now nothing matches.
Delicate Autumn Themed China.
Paper plates left over from your kid’s birthday party.

All done? Great!
Now it is time to view your results and begin enjoying your imaginary t-shirts.

If your answers were mostly A, here is your shirt:

This is really a shirt to help everyone else and not so much you.

Please take care when constructing your Alton Brown Turkey Derrick. Failure to follow the instructions can result in fire or explosion, most likely leading to property damage, personal injury, and/or death. Oh… and check the settings on your butane torch. You had the flame up way too high last year.

If your answers were mostly B, you get this one:

Who needs a cornucopia anyway? Even the word is strange.

Thanksgiving isn't really your holiday. You should delegate this holiday to someone else and focus on traditions with fewer variables. St. Patrick’s day, for example, is holiday that is more your speed. You invite some friends to a bar, have some green beer, and you’re good to go. No one even expects you to decorate.

If your answers were mostly C, here you go:

You will probably want to BeDazzle this later.

You may be finding it difficult to refrain from putting up Christmas decorations until this lesser holiday has passed. I know Thanksgiving really doesn't have the glitz and glitter of Christmas, but you can still make it work. In her Thanksgiving issue of Over-Decorating, Martha Stewart has included instructions for several time-consuming and overly large centerpiece creations for Fall. By the time you finish arranging your citrus fruit, nuts, branches and wheat sheaves, it will be time for you to put up that long awaited Christmas tree.

If your answers were mostly D, nice work, this one's yours:

Nothing says the holidays like gas fumes.

Relax, turn on some Robert Earl Keen songs, and enjoy chain smoking through this holiday season with your kinfolk. For holiday meal ideas, you can turn to Paula Dean. She has a great bread pudding recipe that uses day old Krispy Kreme donuts, plus she does things with butter that you’re going to love.

Thank you for taking my Thanksgiving Survey.

If you, like plumsauce10, happen to “live in a country that insists of celebrating things only when completely necessary,” and you are currently “sailing through to Christmas.” You have my eternal envy.

However… you don’t get a t-shirt. Sorry.

Holiday Dinner: A Field Guide

2011-11-07T13:43:00.000-08:00

If you are like me, and disturbed by situations that seem common place to others, you are a little bit freaked out about the upcoming holidays. For example, on Thanksgiving Day, it may seem confusing to you that family members who have spent the entire year telling you not to eat carbs are now loading you down with cornbread dressing, mashed potatoes, bread rolls, and three types of pie. This is part of the bizarre nature of the holidays and you will have to learn to cope without seeming odd. Luckily, this year I am writing a field guide to get you through these types of events.

First, upon entering any dining area, you should immediately assess the number of items on the table. This will be your first clue as to the length of the meal. As a general rule, the more stuff there is on the table, the longer you will be required to linger over the meal making small talk. A good sign is to see one plate on the table per person. Also, one knife, fork, and spoon per person is a good ratio. This means that the individual in charge of planning the holiday meal has not set unreasonable expectations for the experience. You will therefore be able to eat your food and get on with the rest of your life without unreasonable delay.

However, if you enter the room and see chargers*, bowls on top of plates, multiple sizes of forks, candles, and a centerpieces of any kind, you are in for the long haul. This stuff took a long time to set up and you can’t just put food on your plate and take it to the living room to go watch TV.

You will now be required to load a plate down with food to eat while talking about relatives you barely know. You should probably go ahead and figure out what to tell people when they ask how your job is going, and why are aren’t planning to have any more kids. Despite the fact there are numerous hand-held devices with which people can be entertained, they have set up this table and prepared this food so that you will entertain them by talking. And, no… you are not allowed to piss them off.

If you are not afraid to seem odd, this shirt might deflect some unwanted attention.

Despite your enormous plate of food, you will most likely get bored at some point during this process. To aid you in making it through the experience, I have provided a list of appropriate activities you may use to distract yourself during the holiday meal. These are all approved activities. When performed within the parameters documented below, these actions will not draw undue attention to the fact that you just want to ignore everyone and play Angry Birds on your phone.

Proper dinner activities include:

Pushing food around the plate with your fork. This will work as long as you do not get carried away and create entire food sculptures or castles with gravy moats. Also, do not ask for extra cranberries for the finishing touches on your potato snow man. That is going way too far.
Intense study of the formal centerpiece. You should note that it is important not touch or prod the centerpiece in any way as they are extremely top heavy and can tumble over without warning. I don't care if you are wondering why there is a little bird in there with a pumpkin, DO NOT touch it.
Asking for extra ice so you can watch it melt. This activity is limited to ice placed IN the glass ONLY. Do not place melting ice in any other location.
Drinking more wine.

This year, I will also be taking mental notes to enter into Twitter. This is going to be my first annual Twitter Event in which I bitchtweet** all through Thanksgiving day. I know I will have lots of time to type things into Twitter while pretending to watch the football game. I may even attempt to complete Twitter entries during the meal itself, I will let you know how this goes over. If anyone has any advice for concealing Twitter-related devices during a formal Thanksgiving type situation, I would be glad to hear it.

Explanation of Terms:

*Charger - A plate you put underneath another plate which is not actually used for eating but that you will be asked to wash by hand once the meal is over. Do not ask why you have to wash a plate that no one has, or will ever, eat from. You will never get a satisfactory explanation. Unless, of course, you ask The Bloggess. She will tell you: “They’re those fancy plates that you put plates on. They’re ridiculous. I’m not using plates for plates.” I fully agree.

**Bitchtweet - To bitch about a specific topic on Twitter. Here is an example of proper usage in which BlogDramedy encourages me to join NaNoWriMo, a 50,000 word writing challenge: “Join in…you, me, Shouts. We can be writing buddies and sit around and bitchtweet about how many words we have not written yet.”

Workplace Guidelines for People who are Me

2011-11-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure why it is so difficult being me. How do seemingly simple tasks get tangled and become obscure? To figure this out, I have decided to break down an uncomplicated task that inexplicably went awry. You are coming with me to work, ready? The job for today is to add new course names to each course in this eLearning catalog. Here is the list of courses and the new course names on an Excel spreadsheet. Looks like all we need to do open each file, change the course number, republish the course, and mark completion on the spreadsheet. Simple enough. Let’s get started.

How to be Me:

Open Spreadsheet.
Open the first file.
Suddenly remember that the intern who was testing the courses last summer found a glitch that was never addressed.
Decide to take matters into your own hands.

Looking up the documentation, you see that the intern was getting unexpectedly ejected from the end of course exam. Opening one of the files, you notice that the hit area for the Cancel button is a larger size than the actual button. Clicking next to the button could cause users to inadvertently eject themselves from the scored exam. Test this for yourself to find that you are indeed unexpectedly tossed from the scored exam.

Decide that as long as the courses are being updated anyway, that this is an issue that clearly must be addressed. Add issue to the spreadsheet. Looking at the documentation, you notice another issue. The page number text field is a little too small for double digits when viewed in certain browsers. Decide to fix this issue as well and add to spreadsheet. You can also make a new spreadsheet if you feel the first is getting too crowded.

Browsing through the courses, you notice that some have the Cancel Button issue fixed while others do not. Now you need to document which courses actually need the additional updates. Feel free to start another spreadsheet for this.

Start fixing the courses, but for some reason, don’t start at the beginning of the list. You won’t remember why you started in the middle or one-third of the way through, just that it seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. You should also consider getting so involved in making the additional changes that you forget to change the course numbers. Changing the course numbers may have been the entire aim of this project, but now it hardly seems important. Realize, suddenly, that all spreadsheets are now completely non-informative of actual progress.

Once you have the state of the courses in complete disorder, a co-worker will ask you where you are on the project. He will also probably want a copy of the spreadsheet so he can ‘help’. Of course, he will know nothing about the Cancel Button or text field changes, or the additional 3 to 5 spreadsheets and their new fields, so any help at this point is going to be anti-help. This will be way too hard to explain. Despite the fact that he seems to think he has asked a relatively straight-forward question, look at him blankly.

He will persist. You might as well just tell him you have no idea where he should start on the spreadsheets, or even which spreadsheet as there are now three of them. He will now give you a familiar look of condescension to which you are immune.

Showing Progress

Of course, you will need some way to report progress that is specialized for this unorthodox method of completing a project. Allow me to provide with some guidelines:

Your boss, at some point, will want to know how your team is progressing on a given project. When reporting progress, always go with a percentage. I usually go with 85%. Sometimes, my boss will look at me funny and insist, “That is exactly what you said when I asked for a progress report on the other thing.” At this point, I try to look both surprised and enlightened, before changing the number to 82% or sometimes 86%.

If at any point in this process, people become agitated with me, I usually explain that they only have to put up with this for less that 8 hours a day, while I have to live with my brain all the time. They seem sympathetic.

How to NOT be Me:

Just change the damn course numbers.

Zombies are People Too!

2011-10-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

Today's righteous indignation is brought to you by @jwlucasnc who was kind enough to forward me the very best of her spam messages.

At first, I was pleased when I saw the title of the email in my inbox, “Zombies Make Over $5 Billion in the US.” I thought it was nice that zombies can be financially successful. I am not sure how many zombies there are in the United States, but even if there were a billion, that would pencil out nicely. I was a little surprised the luxury car market wasn’t targeting them more.

Then, my pride in Zombie accomplishment fell quickly into distain. This was not a message about helping zombies, or rejoicing in their success. This was a marketing ploy implemented by GoGo Training, taking advantage of zombies to sell Android Programming Classes. Calling zombies stupid and brainless, the GoGo Training specialists encourage you to become a Master Android Programmer solely for the purpose of deteriorating fragile zombie-human relations. The ad links to games showing zombies slouching across the screens of various phone platforms with vacant eyes. Do you know how hard it must be to walk around craving brains all the time with your limbs falling off? Zombism is a real issue, NOT a marketing tool.

A shirt to help Zombies keep up with their limbs... because I'm altruistic.

We should be promoting zombie tolerance rather than hatred. I encourage you, this Halloween, to rejoice in our diversity. Do NOT take advantage of the "Zombie Eating Halloween Special" at GoGo Training. Why would you want to save $100 off Android Programming classes when you will end up stuck in a room with a bunch of dickheads waiting to kill you if your arm happens to fall off? You wouldn’t.

I am sure you now all recognize there absolutely no need to make lives of the local zombies more difficult by pummeling them with bullets, grenades, and buckshot. However, I must admit that I did stop being indignant enough to consider calling the GoGo Training “Zombie Hot Line.” Not to sign up for a course catalog, as recommended, but to report zombie sightings. My guess is the people running that phone line have had a hell of a day.

Halloween Costume Series: Robot Zombie Killer

2011-10-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

This costume is based on my new Pulitzer prize-winning novel about the future and robot zombies. I’ve been the future you see, and the phones that we created to drive our cars have turned against us. They are now zombies that must be taken out by any means necessary. This book will probably win for the best non-fiction since it is about facts in the future and I don’t think anyone has written a book yet about facts in the future. Therefore, being the one and only book in the category, it HAS to win.

Actually, I am writing the book in the future as we speak. The best thing about this method is that I am not procrastinating. I am waiting for future self to deliver the book via time machine, or by UPS. I am not exactly sure how these things work.

Everyone who wears this shirt will be promoting my future book and you will be well compensated when I hit the bestseller list any day now. I will also be famous, so bonus points to you for knowing someone famous.

Special Orders

2011-10-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

Fine. Here are your special orders. Just remember, I'm not made of imaginary t-shirts, people!

This one is for Joshua of Vive Le Nerd. I would have actually put the fake vest and bow-tie on here, but I didn't feel like drawing stuff. Apparently, I am too lazy to draw on these shirts... or even change fonts, apparently. No one is ever going to buy these.

This one is for Debihen of So... I've Been Thinking. Congratulations! You are now King of the World.

This is for those of you who might be a little more goal oriented than Debbie. I had to cover my bases because I can't stay up all night making these things.

This is for those of you who are LESS goal oriented than Debbie.

Just kidding, this shirt is dedicated to @zippy219. May we ALL be lucky enough to get fake books on Oprah's Show. Wait... is Oprah even doing a show anymore??? Why am I writing a fake book? Damn.

Halloween Costume Series: Pulitzer Prize Winner

2011-10-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

I heard someone say once, and this has always stuck with me, “Most people don’t want to write. Most people want to have written.” The truth about writing is that unless you are writing some ridiculous blog about non-existent t-shirts, it is a lot of hard work. You pretty much have to do all of this hard work whether or not the crap you generate wins a Pulitzer prize. A lot of people just aren’t cut out for that. I’m not cut out for it. Why would I do all that work and NOT get a prize?

This costume is your chance to enjoy the fame and admiration of winning a Pulitzer for your best-selling novel, without the time and energy it would take to actually write a Pulitzer prize-winning, best-selling novel. The beauty of this plan is that you won’t even have to sacrifice the time and energy it would take to create a non-Pulitzer prize-winning crappy novel.

You will still need to think of a fake name and part of a plot for the book that won you this celebrated prize, but that is small price to pay. I would help you think of a name and plot, but it sounds like a lot of work. If I were going to do all that, I would just go ahead and write the damn thing and win my own Pulitzer.

I will, however, be willing to give you some tips based on my own extensive experience of not writing books. One tip is that your plot should be about zombies. They are hot right now. Oh wait, better yet, robot zombies… from the future. Get to work.

How to be Normal

2011-10-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

When @eldergeek sent me a link to the AQ-Test, I thought, “What now, a test?” So you can imagine my relief to find it is only a 50 question online quiz to see if you have Aspergers. I know, right? Again with the syndromes.

I realize this is the second time I’ve posted this t-shirt, but you probably need an extra in case the first one is dirty.

If I have to take this Asperger test, you are coming with me. Ready? Here’s the link: http://aq.server8.org/ I am including all the answers below in case you need to take it for work or something to prove you are normal. You can thank me later.

Notice that the disclaimer before you even take the test reads, “If you’re concerned about your score, you should consult a doctor.”

So, based on my concern for my social disorder, I should call someone up on the phone, arrange for an appointment, then go over there and TALK about it? There is no way in hell I am ever doing all of that. See… there is nothing wrong with me already.

Let’s get started…

“1. I prefer to do things with others rather than on my own.” I always do things with others. That is what Twitter is all about. And people read my blog sometimes. At least three people have told me they read my blog, so that is doing things with others.
–Definitely Agree

I’m winning at this test already.

“2. I prefer to do things the same way over and over again.” Yes. Because that is how you should do things. Otherwise, you spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out that you have already done. I could do things totally differently each time if I wanted to, but that would be stupid.
–Definitely Agree

Winning! I am going to be so normal.

“3. If I try to imagine something, I find it very easy to create a picture in my mind.” Imagining things, yep. Good that that. Winning.
–Definitely Agree

“4. I frequently get so strongly absorbed in one thing that I lose sight of other things.” Yeah, all the time. There is too much crap to keep up with. Like remembering to eat, for instance. Did I eat? I can’t be bothered with that right now. I’m in the middle of something.
–Definitely Agree

“5. I often notice small things when others do not.” Yep. I found a penny on the ground just the other day. Win.
–Definitely Agree

“6. I usually notice car number plates or similar strings of information.” Man. This is a tough one. I don’t even know what this means. I am going to pick what seems the most normal.
–Definitely Disagree

Is it me, or does this test seem long? Forty-four more questions to go.

“7. Other people frequently tell me that what I’ve said is impolite, even though I think it is polite.” People shouldn’t be so freaking sensitive. That is what I think.
–Definitely Agree

God, this test will NEVER END.

“8. When I’m reading a story, I can easily imagine what the characters might look like.” Another tricky one. Sure, I can imagine what they look like, but then when the movie comes out, I am always wrong. I guess all the movies can’t be starring Johnny Depp. He would be way too busy.
–Slightly Agree

“9. I’m fascinated by dates.” Definite ‘no’ on that one. Dates are the stupidest fruit ever. Are they really out there growing like little dried up squares in the wild? I can go my whole life and never see another damn date.
–Definitely Disagree

“10. In a social group, I can easily keep track of different people’s conversations.” If they were talking about stuff that was interesting, then sure, I would be right on top of it. But are they talking about what sports their kids are playing? I don’t really care so much about that. Maybe if they are talking about how much they like bacon. I really like bacon.
–Slightly Agree

“11. I find social situations easy. “ I was pretty good at having lunch at that conference. Yeah, never mind. That was hard as hell.
–Definitely Disagree

“12. I tend to notice details while others do not.” What kind of details are we talking about here? Like stuff people are wearing? Did you just get a haircut or is your face a little off center today? I would notice that. I guess. Wait… I noticed that my cubicle mate had on shiny shoes today. Win for me.
–Definitely Agree

“13. I would rather go to a library than a party.”
–Definitely Agree

Did you see how I didn’t even need to think about that last one? I must be getting EXCELLENT at this!

“14. I find making up stories easy.” I make up stories all the time. Remember that whole bit in my blog about time traveling and the cars driven by phones? That NEVER happened! Yep. I made the whole thing up. I guess that wasn’t really making up a story though. It was more like rambling on about crap.
–Slightly agree

“15. I find myself drawn more to people than things.” I talked to people in the elevator today about their commute. That was sort of fun. Things, on the other hand, can be fun too. Like a stapler. Staplers would actually be more fun than people talking about a commute. But sometimes people have food. If someone is sharing Chinese food, I would definitely rather be with that person than a stapler.
–Definitely Agree

“16. I tend to have very strong interests which I get upset about if I can’t pursue.” I will have you know that me typing into my blog is JUST as important as you and your stupid football game you are watching. So yeah, don’t interrupt me.
–Definitely Agree

“17. I enjoy social chit-chat.” Social chit-chat? That is the most ridiculous phrase I have ever heard. If you hear anyone speak the words, ‘social chit-chat,’ you are completely absolved for hitting them.
–Definitely Disagree

“18. When I talk, it isn’t always easy for others to get a word in edgewise.” Why would anyone want to interrupt me while I am talking? I am freaking brilliant.
–Definitely Agree

“19. I am fascinated by numbers.” Are these numbers on a lottery ticket that I am winning? I would be enthralled by those numbers. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. Would it be cool having tons of money? Or would it be a pain in the ass? Maybe I should get some secret money, like a pirate. I don’t need numbers for that.
–Definitely Disagree

“20. When I am reading a story, it is hard for me to work out the characters intentions.” The characters in that Zombie Field Guide I was reading were all running from zombies because they did not want their brains to be eaten. I was able to work out their intentions fairly well.
–Definitely Disagree

“21. I don’t particularly enjoy reading fiction.” I really don’t. But it isn’t my fault. If people would write some interesting fiction books, I would totally read them. Quit writing about whiny vampires and maybe I’ll read your damn book.
–Definitely Agree

“22. I find it hard to make new friends.” I have 792 Twitter friends. I find it easy to make new friends. Of course, I used to have 804 Twitter friends. I wonder what happened to the other twelve. Maybe I said something impolite that I thought was polite. Damn, this test is getting to me.
–Slightly agree

“23. I notice patterns in things all the time.” Patterns, like what? Plaid? I guess so.
–Slightly agree

“24. I would rather go to a theatre than a museum.” What kind of theatre? Like a live performance? Will there be singing in the theatre? I hate it when people sing. I’ll choose museum just to be safe.
–Definitely Disagree

“25. It does not upset me if my daily routine is disturbed.” That routine is in place for a reason. I have important shit that needs to get done. I don’t have these routines in place just for a whim, people! Jeez.
–Definitely Disagree

“26. I frequently find that I don’t know how to keep a conversation going.” Wow… I am usually trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I guess that would have to agree.
–Definitely Agree

I can’t tell anymore if I am winning.

“27. I find it easy to ‘read between the lines’ when someone is talking to me.” People should just say what they mean. I can’t be held responsible for whatever interpretive dance you have going on here.
–Definitely Disagree

“28. I usually concentrate more on the whole picture, rather than the small details.” This is a tricky one. I can usually see both the picture and the details. There is no way to select both though. I have to agree to this or not. What if the picture is really far away? If the picture was far away, then I wouldn’t be able to make out all the details without squinting.
–Slightly Agree

“29. I am not very good at remembering phone numbers.” I don’t have to. They are in my phone. Win.
–Definitely Agree

“30. I don’t usually notice small changes in a situation or a person’s appearance.” I noticed a co-worker wearing shiny shoes today. They were really shiny though. But it still counts. Also, if someone is on crutches, I know that you are supposed to ask them what happened. Even though I never do because I figure they are probably getting tired of explaining it. But I do notice and that is what counts here. I still get points.
– Definitely Disagree

“31. I know how to tell if someone listening to me is getting bored.” Why would anyone listening to me get bored? I’m freaking brilliant.
–Definitely Disagree

“32. I find it easy to do more than one thing at once. “ What does this mean? Like juggling? I’m terrible at juggling. I can’t think of any example now other than juggling.
–Definitely Disagree

“33. When I talk on the phone, I’m not sure when it’s my turn to speak.” I shouldn’t even have to answer this one. Everyone who has my number knows NOT to call and try to chat with me on the phone. Call me, state your concern or situation, then hang up. Also, you could probably just send a text. That would be preferable. As you can tell, I have the phone thing completely covered. Win.
–Definitely Disagree

“34. I enjoy doing things spontaneously.” Yes, I do enjoy spontaneous things. But only if you tell me about them first and give me a lot of time to pack. And also, I may need to bring some things in case I get bored. Are we going to be near water? I don’t want to bring a lot of electronic equipment if it might get wet. Should I bring a book? I don’t want it to get lost. If I bring a book, what percentage chance will there be of the book getting lost? Are we going camping? If so, is it possible that I might need to run from a bear? Also, I like to bring toilet paper when I go camping. I should probably take toilet paper anyway, even if we are not camping, just in case. You know what… just forget the whole thing. I’m not going.
–Definitely Disagree

“35. I am often the last to understand the point of a joke.” It must have been a pretty dumb joke then. I really don’t see how I can answer some of these without a proper example.
–Slightly Disagree

“36. I find it easy to work out what someone is thinking or feeling just by looking at their face.” If you want to tell me what you are feeling, then just tell me. Or maybe don’t tell me. Unless your face is telling me you feel like bringing me Chinese food. Of course, I would be able to gather that much from the Chinese food without even looking at your face. This is a stupid question.
–Definitely Disagree

“37. If there is an interruption, I can switch back to what I was doing very quickly.” I suppose so. However, it really depends on what was I doing. Was I making a vase on one of those potter’s wheels? I have done that before and that shit will collapse at a moment’s notice. You have to really focus on what you are doing with a potter’s wheel. Also, the guy I share a cubicle with has a squeaky chair. Sometimes I am trying to concentrate and when the chair squeaks, I can never tell if he is about lean over and start looking at me or talking to me. It is a little distracting, but not really an interruption. Just don’t interrupt me, okay? I definitely agree that I do NOT like being interrupted. That seems normal.
–Definitely Agree

“38. I am good at social chit-chat.” Didn’t you already ask me that? At least change these up a bit. Also, I should hit you now.
–Definitely Disagree

“39. People often tell me that I keep going on and on about the same thing.” No one has EVER told me that. Except for my husband, but what does he know? That shouldn’t even count. Okay… fine.
–Definitely Agree

“40. When I was young, I used to enjoy playing games involving pretending with other children.” What the hell does THIS have to do with anything? I “slightly agree” that your question is stupid.
–Slightly Agree

“41. I like to collect information about categories of things (types of car, types of bird, types of plant, etc.)” Like you thought I was just going to fall right into that one.
–Definitely Disagree

“42. I find it difficult to imagine what it would be like to be someone else.” I just imagined being a pirate earlier in this test.
–Definitely Disagree

“43. I like to plan any activities I participate in carefully.” Well, of course! You have to know what kind of shoes to wear. This one’s a no brainer.
–Definitely Agree

“44. I enjoy social occasions.” Just because I already have a feeling of dread thinking about having to sit through dinner at Thanksgiving does NOT mean there is something wrong with me. That happens to everyone. I also really hate those parties where girls invite you over and want you to look at jewelry with them. Those suck. And I hate party food. If I wanted to stand around eating carrot sticks and stuffed olives, I would do it in my kitchen.
–Definitely Disagree

“45. I find it difficult to work out people’s intentions.” I think we have established that people should just say what they want. I don’t have time to sit around guessing if you went to the kitchen because you love waffles.
–Definitely Agree

“46. New situations make me anxious.” Yeah, that conference I went to really sucked. I am better at being in a cubicle where everything is controlled.
–Definitely Agree

“47. I enjoy meeting new people.” Where are these new people coming from, and what do they want from me? Do we have to do that whole bit where we shake hands and tell each other where we are from? I hate that.
–Definitely Disagree

“48. I am a good diplomat.” I am not a diplomat. I don’t even really know what it is they do, but I get the feeling I would be terrible at it. Don’t they have cars with flags on them? I might want to be one so I can get a car with flags on it.
–Slightly Agree

“49. I am not very good at remembering people’s dates of birth.” I am not good at that at all. Sorry everyone, for forgetting your birthday. I suck.
–Definitely Agree

“50. I find it very easy to play games with children that involve pretending.” That sounds hard as hell. Have you ever played with children? It is exhausting.
–Definitely Disagree

Score: 34 - One point away from high functioning autism. That’s good, right? I’m winning! Just in under the wire people… I am officially normal. Someone send me a plaque. Yea me!!!!

Halloween Costume Series: Time Traveler

2011-10-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

I’ve seen the future. It’s pretty much like the past only later in the day.

The beauty of this costume is that no one can prove you are NOT a time traveler. To prove that you are not a time traveler, the person would first have to become a time traveler, then travel to the future to find that you are not actually in the future. Then the person would have to travel back to the past, which is now the present, in order to actually prove you wrong. Even if they do all of these steps, you can always nullify their efforts by saying you had that day off. If you can tell that someone is about to go through all of this effort just to publicly invalidate your costume, you should tell them not to bother.

However foolproof this costume may be, it does require a bit of preparation. People will be asking you what the future is like, so you will need to know how to describe it. Don’t tell go around telling everyone there are floating cars, it is an amateur mistake and @heinakroon has already rejected that idea. Besides, people are terrible drivers now that they are one the ground, you wouldn’t want them up flying in the air.

In the future, our phones will be driving. They already have navigational systems, it is only one extra step to just plug them into the car and take off. However, the driving phone really doesn’t solve my problem that I want to be able to text and drive. I would hate to distract my phone while it is driving by using it to text. Maybe in the future, we will all have multiple phones.

But having multiple phones isn’t really ideal either, because the whole point of having the phone combined with your music playing device and your Twitter machine is so you don’t have to keep up with so many things. No one is going to want to carry around two phones so they can text and drive. That would be ridiculous. Don’t worry. I’m positive I’ll have this worked out by Halloween. Be sure to check back later.

How NOT to go to a Tea Shop

2011-10-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

So, I finally went to a tea shop. More specifically, I went to a tea shop at the Galleria. Even more specifically, I went to a tea shop at the Galleria after helping a friend put up outdoor Halloween decorations. Also, I spent a lot of time petting my friend’s giant enormous horse of a Great Dane while I was over there. But Scooter is so lovable, what can you do? Plus, he folds one leg up in your lap and kind of sits on you like a chair. I almost got a picture of it but… oh wait… yeah... we were on our way to the Galleria, sorry.

For those of you unaware, a Galleria is like a mall on steroids… or maybe Botox. It is filled with people walking around looking purposefully indifferent in clothes you know must be stylish because they are completely and utterly odd. Today, there was a girl with cutoff shorts and knee length black boots. I can only assume the boots were Jimmy Couture or Juicy Choo or whatever.

My friend in need of Halloween decorating assistance happens to live near the Galleria. In the Galleria happens to be a tea shop. Brilliant plan, right? So this is how I find myself at the Galleria in the same t-shirt I was wearing to hang some kind of black outdoor Christmas lights from Satan. Also, my hair is completely windblown and I smell like dog. While I am in the bathroom trying to fix my hair, I happen to notice there is black glitter all over my face. However, we had just passed a store selling “hand-made” make-up. One could only hope the black crap all over my face would pass as stylish.

I’ve been reading tea blogs lately, so I was bound and determined to get to a damn tea shop, even if I had to get through the Galleria smelling like dog to accomplish it. After going past the Banana Republic, Brookstone, Abercrombie & Fitch, Brighton Collectibles (people collect purses now???), the ice skaters, and a store completely devoted to selling sweaters for poodles, we finally arrive at Teavana.

As if getting through the Galleria itself wasn’t bad enough, the entryway to Teavana is a total bombardment of the senses. Hippies with long hair and goatees impose tiny cups of sample tea at us left and right, all the while yelling about antioxidants. Undaunted, we push our way into the store.

Inside, sits a very calm looking gentleman who encourages us try the store’s most rare tea, Monkey Picked Oolong. He asks us, in a dramatic voice, “Do you know about the Oolong?” I am so excited, because yes! I have read about Oolong! I was about to say: “Simply put, green tea is not oxidized and black tea is fully-oxidized. Oolong falls somewhere in the middle between the two. Some Oolong is lightly oxidized, some is allowed to oxidize much more but not fully.”

Okay, fine… I DID just cut and paste that entire speech from Lahikmajoe Drinks Tea.

No matter, it turns out the question was rhetorical anyway. Immediately after asking, Oolong man launches right into the spiel about antioxidants. Apparently, we are all dying from lack of tea. Then he shows us a cast iron teapot, the best way to brew the tea. He does mention in the course of demonstrating the cast iron teapot, how the tea got its name because Buddhists trained monkeys to pick the tea leaves.

I tell him that I will not be purchasing a cast iron teapot, but if they have one of those trained monkeys in the back, I would totally buy one of those immediately. He doesn't laugh, or offer to bring out a monkey. Now I am uncertain where I stand with the Oolong man. Plus, I don’t even really need a monkey.

Finally, I decide what tea I want to buy. I want to buy caffeinated tea, really caffeinated - with or without antioxidants. I am more worried about how to stay awake right now than how to stay alive.

A guy behind the counter, complete with the requisite goatee and long hair, brings out two rather large bins of tea, wafting the metal lids of each towards us so we can smell the leaves. I desperately want to lean forward slightly, intentionally causing this gentle and soft spoken hippie to hit me in the head with a giant metal tea lid. However, I fight the urge. I am trying to be nice to the tea people. Especially after the monkey comment was such a major fail.

One bucket of tea, White Ayurvedic Chai, has a weird name and 1% the caffeine of coffee. The other bucket of tea, Samurai Chai Mate, is apparently named after Samurais and has 100% the caffeine of coffee. Now THAT is my kind of tea. So I tell long-hair-hippy-lid-waving guy that I want the tea with the caffeine. Long-hair-hippy-lid-waving guy says, “But you HAVE to get the 50/50 mix of the two teas or it WON’T taste like the sample.” So I tell long-hair-hippy-lid-waving guy, “I don’t CARE about the sample. I want the tea with caffeine.” Then he starts describing how the caffeine in tea is metabolized and also something about the antioxidants. I think he is just trying to distract me so he can sell me the odd tea later. So I tell him to just give me six ounces of the Caffeine Samurai Tea, thank you very much.

Then he asks if I want the German rock cane sugar crystals. I tell him I do not, in fact, require German rock cane sugar crystals at this time. Then he says, “But you HAVE to get the German rock cane sugar crystals, or it WON’T taste like the sample.” So I calmly tell long-hair-hippy-lid-waving guy to give me my damn antioxidants and my monkey so I can get out of this freak show.

But I didn't really say that. Actually, I think I said something about how he was way too attached to those samples. The end result was that long-hair-hippy-lid-waving guy looked just as offended as if I had yelled at him about the monkey. The lesson here is to always go with your first instinct, even if it involves yelling to people about Oolong monkeys.

So, long story short, that is how I got my tea…. and my antioxidants. I will be living forever now, all the while writing completely ridiculous and useless blog material about non-existent t-shirts. The hippies should have probably saved the antioxidants for someone else.

Rapture Preparation

2011-10-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or is this Rapture Apocalypse not as good as the last one? I was shocked when @mylifelyrics sent out a reminder earlier this week that we had a Rapture scheduled for Friday, October 21, 2011. Why did I not hear about this sooner? The last Rapture Apocalypse was hyped up for months. I haven’t even seen any billboards for this one.

A good Rapture is like a movie, we need propaganda and previews, something to build the suspense. You’d think, given the feeble effort in promoting this Rapture that everyone had already spent all their money on billboards for the other Rapture. I found out today that no one has even scheduled a time! This is not how you run a Rapture, people! At the rate you are going, there might not even BE a Rapture.

The Naysayers: You are the problem with a good Rapture Apocalypse.

I find it disappointing that some of you show a certain lack of enthusiasm for Rapture related activities. @debihen states “The Rapture and killing crazed dictators have all been done before people. Do we not have ANY original thinkers out there?” Well, @debihen, the answer is NO. We will keep having Raptures until Zombie Apocalypse happens, so you might as well get used to it. However, we may be out of dictators to kill. I’m not sure.

Some of you aren’t even going to the Rapture! For example, @daralynnieloo says, “I’m not going because I’m sure there’s gonna be a ton of republicans and super Christians there.” You are right, @daralynnieloo, the place will likely be littered with them. Do you think the super-Christians will be getting capes? I wonder if it is too late to transfer over to that group.

@lahikmajoe is not helping matters. He is probably worried there is no loose-leaf tea in the afterlife. He seems to think that the “last rapture really was the one to be remembered, wasn’t it? This one’s supposed to stay quite. Keep it down will you?” No, @lahikmajoe, I will NOT keep it down. A quiet Rapture is a boring one. Are we all just supposed to sit around while people are naked skydiving and demons are running around? I don’t think so. Oh, you haven’t heard about the naked skydiving option?

In case you are unaware, @larwe will be “skydiving naked during the rapture so the ascending ones will think I’m going with them and have second thoughts.” See people, THIS is how you do a Rapture. Thank you, @larwe for embracing the spirit of the occasion. To show my appreciation, I made you and anyone who would like to join you in naked skydiving, a free t-shirt.

Yes, I realize that making this shirt was a complete waste of time. Thanks.

As if I don’t have enough to deal with, @heinakroon is on the verge of ruining everything, “I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s my army of killer robots helping me to take over the world. Don’t worry and stay calm.” Great, @heinakroon, I am having enough trouble generating excitement for this month’s Apocalypse already. I don’t need you sending out killer robots to distract everyone. You need to get these things on the calendar in advance. How’s February for you?

Of all the naysayers, @IbecameMyDad is the worst of them, suggesting the whole thing is the result of old pipes, “I think you’ve been misled; this time around it’s the “Rupture.” It’s just a plumbing issue. Get some boots and you’ll be fine.” He’s probably right, but I like to stay optimistic and think the end of the world is at hand. Plus, I just had the plumber out last week and I really don’t want to pay for another service call. So, let’s get ready for this thing.

Rapture Apocalypse Dress Code: No, we are not going naked (except for @larwe, obviously)

Since the day of Rapture Apocalypse is at hand, I will at least help everyone with the dress code. Some of you, like @rebecca_ods, are not satisfied with just dashing off into the sky naked. “I need more info! Once again I have no idea how to dress! Should I sleep in my clothes just in case?” Rapture Apocalypse is, after all, a special occasion, and some of us would like to be able to dress for it. Also, I am on the same page with @BanterBurbia, “if that means I have to spend my last day on earth shaving, I’m out.”

@jbrown3079 definitively stated that the dress code for the upcoming Rapture will be “Disaster Casual.” But just what is Disaster Casual? Let’s consider our options.

@_viouslymaggie suggests, "Dress for Halloween in case we don’t make it. Also, it will be easier to sort the saint and sinners that way." This is a terrible idea by the way. I have only had the chance to blog about two of my Halloween costume suggestions. Three if you count the meth lab t-shirt. Everyone is going to be wearing shirts about being drug addicts, serial killers, and having meth labs. There is no way Jesus is going to let someone past the gates wearing a meth lab shirt. Sorry @_viouslymaggie, nice try but we will NOT be wearing our Halloween costumes.

@daralynnieloo will be wearing “my new slippers, new jeans, favorite t-shirt, my new pea coat and scarf. Don’t wanna miss out on getting to wear the new stuff.” There is nothing worse than buying a new pea coat and never getting a chance to wear it because of Rapture Apocalypse.

@debihen is going with “flowing robes and pipe cleaner halo.” She suggests you “check the Halloween dept for wings. That ought to be appropriate.” Can you bring some extra pipe cleaners, @debihen? I don’t have time to go to the craft store, and I really want to get in. I have some questions I want to ask God.

@me_mumstheword says pajamas, “my favorite attire for all important events,” are the way to go. Pajama attire also solves @rebecca_ods’ dilemma of whether to sleep in your Apocalyptic attire. Two birds, one stone. Well done, @me_mumstheword. Except, you probably shouldn’t be throwing rocks at birds.

So, do you hear that, Rapture Planning committee? “Disaster Casual” is any recently purchased clothing, wings, pipe cleaner halos, and pajamas. Write that down.

Packing for the Afterlife

Another little known fact about Rapture Apocalypse is that you can pack a bag. You are allowed one carry-on item of any size. A hand basket is a nice choice, in case you end up going to hell in it later. It is always more convenient to go to hell in your own hand basket. A trip to hell couldn't be that much worse than a shopping experience at your local Wal-mart. Just pack whatever xanax and wine you would ordinarily take for that type of outing.

Have a Nice Apocalypse

So, when you see @larwe skydiving naked with a pipecleaner halo, you will know the big day has arrived. If you see killer robots, then @heinakroon has ruined everything.

Happy Rapture everyone!

Halloween Costume Series: Drug Addict

2011-10-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

On seeing the title of this post, you are probably thinking: What kind of costume is this where I either admit to being, or suddenly become, a drug addict? Drug addiction is a serious issue and not a laughing matter!

Well, relax. I am not suggesting that you go out buy rows of cocaine or start a meth lab. I mean, if you feel you need to do these things to make the shirt more convincing so you can win some sort of misguided Halloween contest, there is nothing I can do to stop you. Just know that it is a bad idea.

What I am suggesting is that you become addicted to drugs you do not have to make for yourself in a lab or buy from guys in the street. I don’t think I could help you buy drugs in the street anyway. I have walked around on streets quite a bit and no one has ever offered to sell me drugs.

I am probably missing the drug vendors because I am too distracted trying to navigate crosswalks and not get hit by cars. You see, I live in Texas, and you are not supposed to walk anywhere in Texas. People know this, so they are in their huge SUVs and four-door trucks, ready and willing to take you out for the slightest misstep. If I wasn’t so worried about dying, I’m sure I would be able to focus better on which of my fellow pedestrians are selling the drugs.

In the meantime, I have decided to become addicted to Claritin D. I have become quite good at skulking around the pharmacy. Then, when the time is right, with shifty eyes and a quiet tone, I ask the pharmacist to get my drugs from behind the counter. While I admit that my daring adventures may seem exciting, in reality, the life of a drug addict is fraught with hardship. Withdrawal symptoms for my addiction include watery eyes and get ready for it…. the dreaded phlegm. If you are smart, you won’t come to my intervention. I’ll be going through a lot of Kleenex and it won’t be pretty.

On the plus side, I think @zippy219 would agree that a little drug trafficking is worth ridding the world of phlegm.

This shirt is in case you decided NOT to follow my advice, and you went ahead with the meth lab. I like to think I am open-minded about these things.

UPDATE: If you have indeed decided to start your own meth lab, I am including a link to an article by Bill Rempel, author and award-winning journalist (NO, I am NOT making this up... this guy actually has credentials. You should be honored to be reading my well-informed blog. Well, not honored, relieved maybe, that you have not completely wasted your time).

The article, "7 Secrets of a Highly Efficient Criminal Organization," contains everything you need to know for all your meth lab related activities. Through his investigation of Columbia's Cali drug cartel, Bill reveals sage advice like the importance of buying a good reputation. He doesn't mention how much a really good one costs, but what do you care? You are making money hand over fist with your meth lab. Also, did you know you can look innocent simply by driving a Mazda??? No one ever tells me these things!

The last bit of advice is to "Always have a Plan B." My Plan B is to have someone set up to pay for my snacks in jail. I hear they are really expensive.

Halloween Costume Series: Serial Killer

2011-10-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

I forgot that the entire reason I wanted a t-shirt catalog was too make up a bunch of t-shirts for Halloween so people wouldn’t feel the pressure to dress up. Now we are halfway through October, and I suddenly remember my original goal. That is just like something I would do. I also have great plans for a Thanksgiving blog that I will most likely get around to posting after New Year’s.

Anyway, my point about Halloween is that I am not a kid anymore. When I was a kid, I had to go door to door in a cheap plastic mask with tiny little holes for breathing so that I could be oxygen deprived the entire night. And also there was an elastic string attached with the cheapest staple possible so that it inevitably detatched and had to be fixed on the fly MacGyver-style. See example below:

Check out The Ghost of Halloween Past at EncinoMom to learn more about the plastic mask experience.

I am an adult now. I can buy a Snicker’s bar anytime I want one. I don't have to be stuck with the 'fun' size either. I can buy the non-fun size that actually seems more fun because there is a bunch more candy involved.

Seeing as how I am in full control of my own candy supply, I should not be required to wear a costume. To make matters worse, you can’t get those masks with the holes cut in the eyes anymore. Adult costumes involve wigs and fishnet panty hose and strange shoes. You also have popular culture to look into in case you want to be someone from the cast of Jersey Shore. The whole thing is a mess.

Dozens of you are probably on the verge of wandering around in a Halloween store run by stoned college kids just so you can find something appropriate to wear for a costume contest or office party. Luckily, this blog has saved you. In the next few days I will present a line of t-shirts focusing on changes you can make on the inside so you don’t have to wear odd clothing on the outside. You won’t even need to buy strange shoes. You will simply become a strange person.

Let’s start off by looking at serial killers. People live next door to serial killers for years before they describe them to the news team as ‘reserved’ while detectives dig for bones in the backyard. So, logically, you won’t have to wear anything distinctive if you suddenly decide to become a serial killer for the day.

You may be thinking that is almost like my idea for the 'NOT a Serial Killer' shirt, but it is actually the polar opposite of that idea, and therefore totally unique.

I’m planning to sell this shirt with a vial of fake blood so you can casually leave the room and return with strategically placed splatters. Keep in mind you will have to do this more than once. You are, after all, a serial killer. If you can have people disappear mysteriously from the location, this will further improve the efficiency of the costume. You should probably be caught at the end of the night digging a hole in the backyard to fill with bones.

The next costume will be a surprise. I have to get these out quick before Halloween is here or the rapture comes. Someone told me it has been rescheduled for this Friday, the rapture, not Halloween. Hopefully, none of you have made other plans.

Side Note: EncinoMom, along with the nostalgic mask story, also has a great recipe for Halloween Pancakes. I urge you to try this recipe if you have kids and aren't an epic fail in the kitchen. I would like to try the recipe myself, but you need Halloween pancake forms and I only have Christmas cookie cutters that I never even got around to using for cookies at Christmas. You are probably way more organized that me though, so here is the link:
http://encinomom.com/pumpkin-pancakes/

Office Stealth

2011-10-15T06:19:00.000-07:00

Last week’s post focused on winning at small talk. However, it occurred to me that some of you would rather NOT win at small talk. If you prefer to go through your day without chatting about sports, you will need a lesson in office strategies of war.

Stealth Mode: The best way to deal with the enemy is to not engage.

@daralynnieloo suggests the most obvious, yet very important office stealth tactic: “ hiding within your cubicle.” I recommend you also have a complicated spreadsheet handy you can stare at intently. People will be less likely to bother you if you look busy.

Eventually you are going to have to leave your cubicle to get snacks. When leaving the safety of the cubicle, @daralynnieloo suggests you “dress in an abstract pattern based off colors in your surrounding area, the randomer the better. Also, face paint.” I know what you are thinking, you have a meeting later and that face paint is really hard to wash off. There must be an easier way, like a cloaking device.

While one would assume cloaking devices to be fairly common in the workplace, @heinakroon says, “There are cloaking devices nowadays, but they only work in infrared and microwave spectra so far.” However, I’m pretty sure I can get the microwave in our break room to produce come cloaking technology if people would stop using it to make popcorn. What good is it to be cloaked if you smell like burnt popcorn? It probably won’t help that much.

In fact, @heinakroon most likely already has stealth technology all worked out. He is keeping it under wraps, you see. The problem with stealth technology is that you can never share it because then everyone around you would have stealth. Then you would have to get even stealthier technology to overpower the first stealth technology. Pretty soon you will be so stealthy that you won’t even exist.

In case you somehow aren’t successful at adopting microwave spectra stealth technology, @me_mumstheword suggests, “Look like you need something and no one will see you.” To facilitate this, I have made you a line of office stealth t-shirts.

This last one didn't work for some reason.

While it may not be possible to travel through the office entirely unobserved, protective materials and behaviors can be implemented to prevent enemy approach and ensure your safe return to the cubicle. @daralynnieloo suggests that you “wander around with a stack of papers that you are pretending to make sense of. Constantly flip thru and mumble.” For increased effectiveness, @fearthecute has a list of specific muttering words you may find helpful. They include ‘deadlines’, ‘client’, ‘report’, and ‘presentation’.

Cubicle Invasion: AKA the peer-and-glare

The peer-and-glare is a classic form of cubicle invasion and requires more aggressive measures, including, but not limited to cats.

When @sepilipa told us all that she “got the peer-over and glare from the girl in the cube next to mine.” @SparkerPants quickly came to the rescue with a very practical suggestion. “Bring a cat to the office, hold it over the cube divide. No one does the peer-and-glare like a cat.”

@sepilipa's cat demonstrating the dreaded cubicle peer-and-glare: an expert for sure.

To get this plan to work, you will need to consider how you will transport the cat. You will most likely need to sneak the cat into the office since cats are notoriously uncooperative and will never go for the business casual dress code. Dogs on the other hand, would put on a pair of khaki pants without complaint, but they aren’t as good at glaring. So, don’t bring a dog.

You can probably sneak the cat into your office in a briefcase. Everything looks professional in a briefcase. For tips on getting the cat into the briefcase, please see Wikipedia.

Purchasing the Proper Equipment: Everything important in life is free, except for the really cool stuff.

A lot of people say that throwing money at a problem is not the solution. I would like to ask these people if they have ever TRIED throwing money at the problem. And also, are they throwing enough money at it? Throwing enough money at a problem with solve EVERYTHING. Look at Donald Trump and the hair.

Unless you have decided to pay @fearthecute for some extra muttering words, or @heinakroon for his secret stealth technology, all the suggestions so far have been free. Now I will present some options for those of you who are better funded. Money wins wars, you see. Or starts them. Or perhaps has nothing to do with them, I am really just making this up as I go. Sorry.

@me_mumstheword says that “keeping a bloody hatchet on your desk is a deterrent to unnecessary chatter.” She insists that her hatchet is primarily a ruse, but does admit, “I’d not be afraid to use it. Head-off any pestering, so to speak.”

The hatchet below is actually listed as a “bloody axe” but I like that it already comes with a kill count already carved into the side. People will be less likely to mess with you if they know you have taken someone out in cold blood before lunchtime.

http://www.mypartyplanner.com/products/bloody-axe.html

@daralynnieloo keeps “rubber bands and marshmallows” handy to prevent the “peer-and-glare. “Nosy neighbor pulls a Kilroy, bean her between the eyes.” While @daralynneiloo means well with the rubber bands, I urge you to forgo mere rubber bands in favor of this baby from marshmallowville.com.

http://www.marshmallowville.com

As an added bonus, it is camouflaged. No one will see you until they are unwittingly pegged with marshmallows. Buy one even if you don’t have an office job. It will facilitate the interview process in case you decide to get one.

Well, I gotta go for now. I have a spreadsheet to stare at and I am pretty sure I just saw @heinakroon duck around the corner under the cover of infrared microwaves. It was the cat he was carrying that gave him away.

How to Establish Rapport in the Work Place

2011-10-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

My friend sent me an email link to an article about small talk. I was initially thrilled for the small talk advice. However, I was a little put out that the article was titled, "Asperger’s Syndrome at Work: Why Small Talk Matters." To make matters worse, the article is actually an excerpt from the book, Asperger’s Syndrome Workplace Survival Guide: A Neurotypical’s Secrets for Success.

Why would ANYONE, much less a close friend, send me an Asperger's Syndrome article? There is nothing wrong with me, you see.

Of course, if there is nothing wrong with you, you probably don't need the shirt, but that is NOT the point I am trying to make here.

So, of course, instead of reading the article, I call her yelling, "What the hell! You think I have some sort of syndrome?!?" To which she responds that I most likely have a multitude of syndromes for which there are no cure and/or medical treatment and why can’t I just read the goddamn article for Christ’s sake?

Still a bit annoyed, I find the article and begin reading. My indignation dissolves at the first sentence: "If you are like many people with Asperger’s Syndrome, you categorize small talk as a nonsensical ritual where people waste time talking about stupid subjects no one really cares about." Crap. I think I have Aspergers.

According to Barbara Bissonnette, author of the Asperger's article, small talk is actually a "critical workplace skill." Sharing friendly comments with your fellow employees "sends the message that you consider yourself to be part of the group." Also, you never know when you are going to need your car jump-started and if you go around being an ass to everyone, probably no one will help you. The article didn’t come right out and say this, but I’m sure it is what Barbara was getting at.

I will now summarize the most important points of the article combined with valuable insights from my own personal experience. I won’t bother to separate these in any way because what I have to say is just as relevant, if not more so, than the published work of a writing professional. In fact, I guarantee that after reading this, we will ALL be winning at small talk. Ready?

There are three very important factors to consider for winning at small talk. These include:

1. Discussion Length

Small talk is the discussion of a general topic for the typical duration of five minutes. The actual passage of time may seem much longer than five minutes, so you need to find a way to keep track of the time without being obvious. When the conversation is near the five minute mark, you are done. Actually, after four minutes, you can break from the conversation abruptly at any time.

2. Topic Choice

You should choose a neutral topic that won’t make people uncomfortable or angry. The article specifically says not to call anyone fat, but you should probably already be aware of that, so I won’t go over it. If you follow sports teams or watch popular programming, these are great conversation topics. However, if you do not watch televised football or keep up with who got fired from Dancing with the Stars, this is a serious shortcoming on the small talk field and you are never going to win.

3. Personal Connections

The main point of small talk is to make connections with others. According to Barbara, in order to do this, you have to keep the discussion going for at least two or three turns. In other words, respond to people in a way that encourages conversation rather than prohibits it.

For example, if a guy is standing there in the break room and you really want that Diet Coke or whatever it is you went in there for, you will probably end up talking to him. He might say something like, "Did you see the baseball game last night?" You have two paths available at this point. The first is the more direct path in which you say, "no," grab the Diet Coke and leave. Giant fail! Answering "no" is automatically losing at small talk because you and your opponent have only each had one turn. To win at small talk, you must the take the second path and say something like, "I don’t follow baseball. Do you play?"

I know exactly what you are thinking. This type of statement is leaving the door wide open for this fool to go on and on about baseball and you will never get to drink your Diet Coke. Plus, how do you know that this isn’t going to turn into a situation like when you are nice to a stray dog? This person could follow you home and then refuse to leave your porch until you discuss the entire cast of Glee. Granted, if this type of thing were likely to happen, surely they would outline it in the book. However, I haven’t read the entire book, just the one article. If someone follows you home and refuses to get off your porch, you should definitely buy the book. They probably tell you how to get people off your porch in the Appendix.

A Successful Small Talk Example

Allow me now to enlighten you with my own personal experience. I am sitting in cubicle world, when one of my fellow cubicle dwellers decides to spark up a conversation. Although my sense of duty in participating in the conversation immediately conflicts with my intense need to end it as quickly as possible, I now recognize the importance of winning at small talk. Luckily, the topic of choice is a neutral one: trees. I am winning already.

Cubicle Guy would like to hypothetically have a tree in his yard. Apparently, Fugi applies are in season at the moment, and these are Cubicle Guy’s favorite type of apple. If Cubicle Guy would have had planted a tree of this type in his yard, say, ten years ago, he would now be able to eat all of the apples and have some shade.

In order to win at small talk, I must choose my response carefully. I consider telling Cubicle Guy it is impossible to plant trees in the past, but I can’t confirm this for a fact. So, instead I tell him, "I like plum trees. I would like to plant a plum tree in my yard."

Things seem to be going well. Cubicle Guy is on his second turn, and I am pretty sure the conversation has taken at least three hours. Winning!

This is when Cubicle Guy states that I should not be planting anything right now, much less a tree, because there is going to be a huge drought next year rivaling the record drought of the 1950’s.

Now I am pissed because I didn’t want to plant a damn tree in the first place. How did I end up with Cubicle Guy telling me what a dumb idea it is to plant a fictional tree in the middle of a future drought?!

However, I MUST MAKE connections and get to that second turn.

Therefore, I tell Cubicle Guy that he is completely right about the tree planting. To further support his theory, I tell him that we are actually 10,000 years into a major mass extinction event with inevitable ecological crisis. In addition, our ocean currents are slowing and sometime next week everyone will be living either in icy wasteland or barren desert. And also, there was something about sunspots increasing or decreasing, whichever it is, we end up fighting each other for food. Absolutely no one should waste time planting trees right now when we clearly all need to be out hoarding cans of creamed corn.

And then it happens…I WIN! I should get some sort of small talk prize or something.

Evaluating your Success

Now look back on your conversation. Did it last for approximately five minutes? Was your topic neutral? Did the conversation exchange between both participants at least two or three times? If so, you WIN! You are now free to go back to your desk and watch YouTube videos. Here is an exceptionally good one:

http://www.wimp.com/fishbarrel/

Enjoy your day.

Resources

For Further Research on inevitable ecological crisis, go to heinakroon.com to read "We’re all doomed." In case you have time before we are completely doomed, there is also a great post about whether or not your shampoo is working.

To learn more about the barren wastelands caused by ocean currents and sunspots, you can read Frozen Britain: How the Big Freeze of 2010 is the Beginning of Britain's New Mini Ice Age, by Gavin Cooke.

However, I would not recommend reading this book unless you enjoy waking up at 3:00am worried about your lack of food fighting and scavenging skills.

"Why Small Talk Matters" was an excerpt from Asperger’s Syndrome Workplace Survival Guide: A Neurotypical’s Secrets for Success, by Barbara Bissonnette. Think how much you would be winning if you read the whole thing.

About Clocks and Caution Signs

2011-10-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

My parents are visiting this weekend, so it is going to be hard to focus in order to write a blog. Any blog I attempt to write under these circumstances will most likely be distracted and incoherent. Therefore, I am going to write a blog about someone else's blog.

Maryann has a blog called Eye of the Beholder. One of her posts, Old Clocks, made a personal connection with me. I too love old clocks and even own a couple myself.

Maryann also likes margaritas. I'm bringing this up as a side note, hoping that Maryann will stop by and bring me one. I may have mentioned my parents are visiting this weekend and it would be nice for someone to bring me a margarita. Glancing out the window now.

-- Several minutes have gone by with no sign of margarita. Hopefully my disappointment will not damper the rest of the blog. On we go.

We were talking about old clocks. I used to work in a really old building. The room I worked in had this cool, completely non-functional, clock wired right into the wall. The building was made back when they didn't have air conditioning and there were transoms on high ceilings to allow for air flow.

-- My dad just came by with a jumpdrive with pictures he wants me to load onto this computer. After an awkward pause, in which I ignored the jumpdrive and kept typing, he said there was "no rush."

Okay... about my clock... when I found out construction crews would be lowering the ceilings to make the building more energy efficient, I knew the clock was doomed. I pictured it buried behind ceiling tiles, or laying in a pile of construction debris. My mission was to save it.

-- My husband just came by looking for the lens cover to his camera. He said it was green... or maybe black. I pretended to look around for it, but didn't see it. If anyone knows where it is please post a comment. Thanks.

Anyway, the clock was wired directly into the wall with antique electrical-looking wires which I was pretty sure weren’t live. Just in case, there was a guy who worked in the building who, after being sworn to secrecy, agreed to cut the wires for me. You see, I told him that I didn’t know how to cut wires because I was a girl. Looking back, I should have at least held a big board over him, ready to knock him away from a possible electrical current. I am much more thoughtful about these things now. I don't know why I can't get more people to do stuff for me.

-- Speaking of getting people to do things... it is getting increasingly hard to write this blog without a margarita, MARYANN.

Anyway, the guy didn't die and now I have this beautiful old clock.

The time on this clock is accurate exactly twice a day, which is enough for me.

I got my second old clock at a garage sale. I found it in a barn next to a space heater.

This clock actually tells time, but it needs a more sordid past.

I regret getting this clock so easily now, because the story behind it isn’t very good. Someone please post a huge lie I can tell about how I got this clock.

-- My dad has come by twice in the past few minutes to see if I have download the pictures from his jumpdrive. Sigh. I wish Maryann would hurry up with that margarita. Hang on...

Okay, pictures are loaded. Let's continue.

We were talking about old clocks. Oh wait, I think I was done with that. Now we are talking about Caution Signs. Maryann has a section of her blog, What Would Your "Caution Sign" Say?? where she introduces the concept of people needing to wear "tiny caution signs to warn friends and family about ourselves." I fully support this. Along this line of thinking, there are several road signs that would make excellent and very helpful t-shirts.

Here are some examples:

This one is helpful when you arrive at office without first having coffee.

I would wear this all summer for the irony.

There are so many things people should stop doing immediately. Like constantly asking for their jumpdrive back while you are trying to type a blog. Simplify your day by pointing at your shirt.

This one is my new excuse for everything. No, I can't possibly do the Macarena with you, there are most likely man-eating sharks out on the dance floor.

This one could be dangerous, but I have always found 'Speed Hump' signs hilariously funny.

I would ask you to post further examples, but now my dad is asking if I have seen the picture where we are all looking at a tree, the dog is barking, and NO ONE has updated me on the status of that lens cover. Also, I really need some good stories for that garage-sale clock I have, so you should get busy on that immediately.

Please excuse me now as I spend the rest of the afternoon staring out the window for my margarita. I know for certain Maryann is on her way.

Now my mom wants to make some hot chocolate and doesn't know where it is. She also has some questions about whether to make it from little packages or from the jar of Oval-tine. After an awkward silence, she says there is "no rush."

I gotta go.

If I were famous, I would be spending way too much time hiding in bathrooms

2011-10-06T06:17:00.000-07:00

As some of you are aware, I recently went to a conference. Those of you who are aware of my attendance at this conference are most likely thinking, “Another post about the damn conference???” Which is why I had to trick you into coming over here with an obscure title. Do NOT worry. This is the very, very last post about the conference… unless I think of another one later. But, I probably won’t.

The conference simultaneously terrified me and made me realize how little it takes to strip me out of my comfort zone and make me feel completely out of place. I had more in common with the homeless dude sitting outside of the train station than with any of the conference attendees. Granted, I don’t know why he chose to sit on the steps with all the broken glass on them. I’d like to think I would choose a more desirable location to sit if that was what I had planned for the day, but @lahikmajoe said I have a lot to learn about being homeless.

I spend a lot of time trying to pass myself off as normal; however, the guise is thin and easily dissolved. Walking into the conference ballroom for lunch and finding cards on each table denoting the required conversation topic horrified me. It is bad enough they expect me to make small talk with a bunch of people I don’t know while trying not to spill food on myself. They shouldn’t be able to tell me what to say.

Also, I am not going to get all enthusiastic about whatever the keynote speaker is talking about in order to sell his new book. I’m just not built that way. Surrounded by all of these serious people with their wholehearted eagerness, I constantly felt a strong urge to go somewhere and hide.

I felt really depressed for being like a fish out of water at this thing until I read through Jenny’s blogs looking for quotes I could use to make fun of it. In her post, “I shouldn’t be allowed to mix with real people,” she describes spending four hours hiding out in the men’s bathroom during a BlogHer party she was hosting. That is when I realized that real problem in this scenario was NOT my social ineptitude, but the fact that men’s bathroom at this particular location failed to provide an accommodating hiding place.

Due to the lack of men’s bathrooms available as hideout locations, I propose we install Anxiety Rooms for people with social incompetence and/or genuine anxiety disorders.

Don’t feel like having lunch today with a note card demanding you to discuss the Analysis of Community Marketing? Exhausted from cheerful people handing you business cards after PowerPoint presentations? Tired of burying yourself in cocktails so everyone around you will start making sense? Try our new Anxiety Room! It is quite comfortable and much similar to a men’s room without the urinals.

To make an unnecessarily long story less long... I survived. After a grueling three days, I gave the bum on the steps a commiserate nod, and boarded the train toward home. I would like to take a moment to thank my Twitter followers for keeping me company and putting up with the conference play-by-play. I appreciate you more than you know. And also, thanks to Jenny for reminding me that even though lunch table topics terrify me, I can still count myself in good company.

And….

To close with the last part, what you’re drinking at Starbucks is not national security.

How to Endure a PowerPoint Presentation

2011-10-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

Some of you are excruciatingly aware based on my Twitter and Blog rants that I recently went to a conference.

This conference, which sucked all the humor out of my brain, was divided into two tracks, Business and Technical. After a day of watching people type and then point to lines of code, my head went numb. Therefore, I decided to take a break from the Technical Track, and cross over to the Business side.

The first thing I notice about the Business Track is the change in dress code. The polo shirts and torn jeans from the Technical Track have given over to power suits. Also, no one in this room has an iPad, or a laptop open. No one is even typing into a phone. They all have notepads and tablets. Not ThinkPads or electronic tablets either... they are using pens. I decide that I too will get out a pen and take notes. By ‘take notes’ I mean write down random crap I’m thinking during the presentation. My plan is do this with a very serious look on my face so as to appear productive.

Pablo, our presenter for the afternoon, is Italian. I'm not sure if all Italian men resemble a Ken dolls with longer than average side burns, but Pablo does. Pablo thoughtfully takes a moment to inform us of his hobbies. Apparently, he enjoys running, reading, socializing, and jazz. These seem like odd hobbies to me, but then again people describe my hobby as, “Typing sarcastic shit into the Interweb.” I discreetly enter Pablo's list of hobbies into Twitter. A few seconds later, @Handflapper and I agree that Pablo most likely uses liberal amounts of Axe body spray.

There is a snack basket being handed around the room, but I have already had three bags of Cheetos today. I can’t possibly eat anymore Cheetos. Entering information about the surplus of Cheetos into Twitter results in @lahikmajoe challenging the ‘real’ cheese aspect of Cheetos. Sadly, I fail to defend the cheese content and admit to eating orange powder. My potential marketing position over at Cheetos is now in serious jeopardy.

The next slide of Pablo’s Business Track presentation says, “INFORMATION OVERLOAD.” I write this down in huge letters on the notebook. I am so winning at taking notes right now.

I don’t know if all Italian men frame their sentences oddly while using a thick Italian accent, but Pablo does. He declares with enthusiasm that we are “very much overloaded with information.” Apparently, he fails to see the irony that he is very much contributing to the overload.

I check Twitter again. @jbrown3079 suggests that the Cheetos' lack of appeal means it is time to leave the conference post haste. Pablo seems unaware of both @jbrown3079's timely advice and my strong urge to leave his presentation. He pushes on to the next slide which is a picture of Facebook. “Knowledge is evolving,” he states with confidence. I am unsure how this message is connected with Facebook. He really should have gone with Wikipedia for that one, or maybe YouTube.

Pablo’s next slide is inexplicably a Jackson Pollock painting. I am suddenly missing the screens of code. I had a good setup over there with my laptop and duck. Why did I come over here to listen to Pablo? This has been a huge mistake. I check Twitter again to consol myself. @bottledshiny states, “My brain went far, far away.” She must be at this conference somewhere. If I didn’t have to keep my brain in my skull it would have made a run for it a long time ago.

Proceeds from the sale of this shirt go to @bottledshiny. Wait... I suddenly remembered this shirt doesn’t exist. If you see @bottledshiny, just hand her money. Thanks.

About mid-PowerPoint, I notice that Pablo likes to end the most important points of his presentation with the word, ‘whatever.’ Example: “These types of activities are directly linked to content growth and whatever.” “The link between a data driven community is evaluated by business integration, analysis, and whatever.”

Are we supposed to be furnishing the last parts of these statements for him? This could be a call for help. To salvage the rest of the presentation, I will combine Pablo’s statements with those of the most eloquent person I know: The Bloggess.

To decrease legibility, Pablo’s statements are in teal, while contributions stolen from Jenny’s blog are in pink italics. This is all I can do for you today, despite its skull casing, my brain has gone far, far away.

The link between a data driven community is evaluated by business integration, analysis, and I just got molested by a giraffe and I smell like urine.

There are endless opportunities in this type of methodology, but it is very hard to pretend you’re important when all you do is write about clown porn and dead kittens.

A social community is drafting new challenges and homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics.

Taking a step forward, we are making this process more useful. You will see the metric here, distracting you with animal tails and mouse skull necklaces.

Who are the influencers of the most important sources of information? Are they prepared for a long vaginal court battle with Eve Ensler?

Hard-linking communities and business improve the internal process, and there are some things that you shouldn’t have to worry about spontaneously combusting and one of those is jam.

To close with the last part, you can dive deep with this in-depth approach, and what I would imagine syphilis smells like.

Don’t get all crazy just ’cause I threw a vampire monkey-wrench in your faulty zombie logic. (Okay, that one was free)

Your Conference Survival Kit

2011-09-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

As some of you may be aware, based on my vociferous complaints on Twitter, I recently attended a conference. To be honest, I thought it would be more fun. If you are attending a conference in the near future, I want you to be prepared. Here is a list of things you will need with a picture below for reference.

Please do NOT place this picture into a PowerPoint presentation and force people to listen to you drone on about it for forty-five minutes. I will find out about it and hurt you.

1. Johnny Depp Pirate

While most items crucial for maintaining sanity are located within the conference itself, you will need to bring your own tiny Johnny Depp pirate. According to @Debihen, a tiny Johnny Depp pirate is essential for “sending out periodically to pilfer and plunder bags of Cheetos.” Also, you can talk to him when you discover that everyone at your lunch table will be discussing the keynote speaker and the operating systems of their phones.

2. Name Tag

The name tag is your key for obtaining snacks and free pens. You can take the name tag off to operate under the radar when skipping the keynote speakers. You can also use the rope around your name tag as a noose for strangling people who cut in the lunch line or presenters who go ahead and take questions even after their time limit is over.

3. Duck with a Computer

You should try to pick up as much free stuff as possible. Pens will be prevalent, but if you can get a rubber duck with a computer, that is ideal. I like that this duck not only has a computer, but is also is giving me the ‘thumbs up’ sign. Ducks with computers generally approve of me. I rate highly among plastic ducks, especially ones with computers.

4. Perrier Bottle

You should be aware that the conference will most likely be filled with grown-ups. Some of them will be wearing suits, while others will have tiny phones in their ears. Absolutely none of them will think you are funny. If they do not think you are funny, you can cover by pretending you are insane. Do this by repeatedly muttering a prepared catch phrase. @lahikmajoe recommends, “Bee in my bonnet.”

In case you get tired of muttering

You can also try to blend in with the grown-ups by carrying around a bottle of Perrier. This is what grown-ups drink. I carried a bottle while muttering, just to be safe.

5. Zombie Defense

People at the conference will be talking in monotone voices and shuffling around with dazed expressions, making it impossible for you to tell whether they are actually zombies.Therefore, you will need to be on high alert and ready to defend yourself from likely attacks.

For zombie defense weaponry, @heinakroon recommends a katana since “those things will split any zombie’s head.” If you fail to find any Japanese samurai swords over at the SWAG table, try surrounding yourself with extra chairs you can use as weapons. The stockpile of chairs will also keep away people who want to hand you their business cards and chat once the presentation is over.

Regarding zombie defense strategies, @jetts21 states strongly that you must “wait till they are undead.” However, I recommend you start flinging chairs out during the question and answer session, just to be safe.

Please feel free to contribute below with your own zombie defense recommendations for the corporate conference environment.

Next post... Surviving the PowerPoint Presentation.

How to Ditch your GF

2011-09-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

@IbecameMyDad has a blog called I’ve become my parents. In this blog, there is a section called My FavoriteTweets where he takes a humorous look at the Google search terms that bring people to his site. I have included a few examples below:

Excerpts from "My Favorite Tweets: On search terms people used to find this blog"

Person who found my blog searching “how do i prove to my parents that my homework is right”: If it’s English, it’s probably not…correct.

To the person who found my blog searching “i just don’t have it”: Try looking under the couch.

To the person who found my blog by searching “i’ll be better to my kids than my parents”: No you won’t. Trust me on that.

My Personal Quest for Random Google Search Terms

Now that you get the general idea, you can see why this peaked my interest. I started wondering what crazy search strings people were following to get to my blog. I decided to take a look, and here is what I found:

“satan t-shirt”

“how to identify hippies”

“giant metal chicken would solve everything”

“big metal chicken”

“how to be emotionally stable”

Now I am rethinking the size of the metal chicken I purchased based on Jenny’s not being able to buy bath towels because she already had the beach ones. Aside from that, I am a bit disappointed that these search terms all seem directly relevant to content on my blog.

There was, however, one that stood out:

“ditching your gf”

Now THERE is a gem!

I am assuming this stands for girlfriend and I am therefore feeling a little guilty that my blog is the only frame of reference this poor guy has. Hopefully, he doesn’t try to give his soon to be ex-girlfriend Ally or slip allergy medication into her tea. I don’t even know why they let me write on the Internet. Who is in charge of this thing anyway?

Since I feel somewhat responsible, I will attempt to provide restitution.

--Dear Dude trying to dump your girlfriend, here are some t-shirts for you--

Try starting with the obvious:

If that doesn’t work, you can try this:

Or, you can go for something a little more obscure:

If you don't get the t-shirt above, see this for reference:
Gizmodo, My OkCupid Affair With A World Champion Magic: The Gathering Player

Special thanks to @etoxican for finding the Gizmodo link for me when, ironically, my Google search parameters proved inadequate.

More special thanks goes to @IbecameMyDad for the inspiration, and also to The Bloggess without whom I would not have a medium-sized metal chicken, or even a blog about a medium-sized metal chicken. Come to think of it, she isn’t doing you any favors here.

How NOT to Write a Blog

2011-09-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Grow Your Blog is a book you should read before you decide you want to write a blog. Once you decide you want a blog about t-shirts that don’t exist, it will be way too late to read the book. Believe me.

I usually find that instructions seem too obscure and boring until you are smack in the middle of something you have no idea how to finish. Then, the very same instructions suddenly become amazingly clear and relevant. While this process might work quite well with furniture from IKEA, unfortunately, it did not translate successfully into blog creation.

The book starts off explaining how much thought should go into the process BEFORE you create the blog. Now that I have already created the blog, this book is only helpful to me in highlighting areas where I went wrong. Allow me to share these insights in case you ever want to start your own blog.

1. Choose an appropriate title. You should definitely give your blog a short name. NOT something with a bunch of hyphens and extra words like, The Best Self-help T-shirt Catalog Ever. Now one is ever going to remember a long name like that.

2. Never be yourself. You should pick an anonymous identity so you won’t be identified by your friends and relatives. If you use your own name when you write your ridiculous blog, then everyone is going to know you have a PTA card or that you don’t care about football. It is going to be humiliating.

3. You should include pictures in your blog. Real pictures, not the same damn t-shirt over and over with some other thing written on it. People are going to catch on to that you know. They aren’t stupid.

You will find this is the case regarding a lot of things. Ironically, this inane t-shirt is a great truth of life.

4. Don’t annoy people by publishing new posts every day. You should leave the same post up at least a week. Plus, people who subscribe to your blog don’t want your crap showing up in their mailbox all the time. My last post was yesterday. But that doesn’t count because this post is a post about not making posts. It is therefore exempt.

There are other tips in this book on how you can generate traffic, but I haven’t started that yet. I think I’ll do that all wrong too, and then read the instructions.

I will tell you that, from my experience, people in Wal-Mart parking lots have time on their hands and enjoy drinking large cans of beer. I’m planning to find people in Wal-Mart parking lots, and hand them large cans of beer in exchange for reading my blog. I don’t want to skip ahead to find out if this plan is or is not part of the instructions. It would totally ruin the surprise.

Ordinarily, I would give attribution to the author here, but this guy wrote both his blog and his blog book anonymously, which is good. If I misled anyone as to the book’s contents, it is going to be way harder for him to yell at me. Hang on though, I will link you over to his blog.

Oh man… I just found out from his latest post, Random Thursday Thoughts, that “eating lunch at 11:30 is wrong. Don't do it.” Damn. I already ate lunch at 11:30. Guess I should have read the instructions for that too. Who knew?

Addendum:
Turns out I had Number 4 wrong. You are supposed to post MORE than once a week. Specifically, break up long rambling posts like this one into shorter segments. Please do not mention that my addendum about avoiding length has made this post longer.

Also... Don't eat lunch at 11:30. That rule still holds.

Making Plans for the Year 2012

2011-09-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

2012 marks the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe that the end of 2012 will bring natural disasters or the end of the world. My opinion regarding the end of the Mayan calendar, albeit poorly researched, is that you have to stop doing everything eventually. Based on this premise, obviously the Mayans would quit making a calendar. If not, at this very moment in time, some Mayan dude would be in the parking lot of the Safeway chiseling out dates into stone. Of course, someone would probably go by and tell him there is an ap for that. Then Mayan dude would get a smart phone, leaving people in the year 6015 incredibly worried they are going to die.

However solid my insubstantially researched theory may seem, it does not mean that we are not going to die. We just don’t have a save-the-date card. According to Gavin Cooke, author of Frozen Britain, at some point in the near future, we are all going to be fighting each other in barren wastelands for food. For survival tips, see “How to Survive a Wasteland Apocalypse.” For actual information, you can go to Heinakroon.com and read “We are all Doomed." I am pretty sure that Andreas Heinakroon and I both read the same basic material; however, we have very different writing styles. Andreas knows how to reference tangible facts in order to present you with pertinent information, while I tend to get distracted and recommend you go to PetSmart and adopt pterodactyls.

I am, in fact, distracted even now. While I was looking up the link on Heinakroon.com for the description of our imminent demise, I noticed the “‘Cool’ Equation” blog post. Following the Heinakroon step-by-step approach, you can learn to be cool in order to give the "impression of a person who knows how to survive in the world." Apparently, it worked for Samuel L. Jackson. Sorry to cut this short, but I gotta go work on my "laid-back, carefree poses." I am going to be so popular during wasteland apocalypse!

How to be a Good Parent

2011-09-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

When registering my son for school, I was approached yet again to join the Parent Teacher Association (PTA). The entire point of the PTA is for people to have boring meetings that I will refuse to go to. People will continue to ask me to go to them, and I will continue to tell those people that I cannot go to their meeting because I have to go home and shoot heroin. This system works fine for me.

This shirt will definitely get you out of the next bake sale.

The PTA Membership person used to be the same woman who bugs me about buying yearbooks (I am really good at saying ‘NO’ to her). This year, the person in charge of PTA Membership is the same woman who consistently points out seemingly mundane things my son does and uses them as examples of how he is a genius. For example, when this person observed my son selecting a green cupcake, she told me that people who like green are really smart. Unfortunately, my son ruined the illusion by pointing out to all of us that his selection was based not on icing color, but the fact that this particular cupcake was chocolate. He is going to be a rocket surgeon for sure.

The point of my telling you all this to explain how much harder it is to say 'no' to person who thinks your kid is a genius than it is to say 'no' to the yearbook nagger. Why is this person always telling me my kid needs a yearbook for elementary school? I never had a yearbook in elementary school. Why would you ever have a need for one? Who needs to reminisce about that cute boy you had a crush on in kindergarten? Nobody. The kids can't even sign them. Their handwriting is terrible. Yearbooks are stupid until junior high.

As I approach the PTA membership table, I get ready to throw up my hands and yell, “Heroin Addict!” I find if I yell it loud enough, I can skip the Volunteer Registration table altogether. Before I even get a chance to declare drug addiction, the New PTA Membership Lady is telling me how lucky this school is to have my genius son back this year. As the conversation goes on, it becomes increasingly harder to balk at the PTA registration form.

I decide, rather than yelling about narcotics, to express my concerns logically. At the end of the discussion, we hit a compromise. I would join the PTA by paying the $12.00 membership fee. The money would help the PTA do whatever they do for the benefit of the children. As part of this deal, I will in no way be directly involved in any PTA meetings or activities. It is like adopting those children in Africa you never have to see.

So, I got my card today: my very own PTA card with my name on it. As New PTA Membership Lady hands me the envelope, she says, “You are such a good parent.” Granted, I'm used to hearing this all the time, just not without the sarcasm.

All I can say is that if this card is all it takes to create the illusion of good parenting, I should have bought one a long time ago. I told my husband that if Child Protective Services ever shows up at the door, I am handing them my PTA card and all will be resolved. He told me I will probably be drunk and give them the AAA card. I hate it when he’s right.

How to Survive an Unexpected Football Party

2011-09-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

Your first sign of an Unexpected Football Party will be your husband coming home early with queso. If he then starts frantically gathering up Legos from your living room floor, you will know something is definitely awry.

He will insist that he told you he was planning a football party. You might even vaguely remember him saying something about people coming over. However, stand firm that any statements made to you after or during a bottle of wine are null and void. Don't panic, but this is NOT a drill! It is an Unexpected Football Party, and you, my friend, are the host. In case this happens to you, and it almost certainly will, I will explain how you should conduct yourself, using my own experience as an example. First there are a few rules you will need to follow.

Rule Number One: Never, under any circumstance, let people take you aside. As you will be able to tell from the following example, people taking you aside is bad news.

Football House Guest 1 enters my house. She immediately takes me aside to ask, “Aren’t you angry about Obama making a speech during the football game?” As some of you are aware, my entire political viewpoint is I particularly want to avoid even discussing a political viewpoint (See How to be a Grownup). Undaunted, Football House Guest 1 continues, “I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to miss the pre-game show listening to Obama deliver a speech someone else wrote for him. Maroon 5 is playing.”

I had not previously considered that I might miss Maroon 5. The potential of missing Maroon 5 throws me into an existential dilemma. I was already aware of my disregard for Obama’s speech. Now I realize it runs deeper than that. I don’t care about Obama’s speech, the pre-game, whatever crappy song Maroon 5 is going to play, the football game, or the entire football season. This is a slippery slope. Now, I am starting to realize I don’t care about the conversation I'm having, or even eating queso. I have eaten a good deal of queso already, you see. That is when husband hands me a well-timed margarita. Nothing subverts an existential crisis like a good margarita.

I don't know how I missed this one. --Thanks, DMomzom!

Rule Number Two: Screen for high people.

Football House Guest 2 takes me aside (see Rule #1) and asks, “Aren’t you irritated that Bob brought a girl to your house who is obviously high on something?” Up to this point, I hadn’t taken the time to assess whether or not any of my house guests were high on anything. Evidently, this is something you should do if you plan to have people over for football against your will and at the last minute. I recommend having some sort of coordination testing you can set up by the front door. Maybe a line you can make people walk or an eye chart. Actually, an eye chart would be perfect. High people can’t read eye charts without thinking they are hilarious. If someone is laughing at big letter E, you should have them ejected immediately.

If only I had made this shirt before the party.

Because of the lack drug testing, we now have no proof that this person is actually high. She did mention being a “little cloudy” because of some allergy medication. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt. Benadryl is surprisingly powerful. I take it all the time when my parents are visiting and I want to go to bed at 8:30.

Much to my dismay, the potential pothead/meth addict conducted herself most shockingly. She was the ONLY person at the Unexpected Football Party who:

a. Didn’t care who won at the football.
b. Didn’t take me aside to state unsolicited concerns about the football party.
c. Complemented my artwork.
d. Brought me a drink when she saw my glass was empty.

Granted, appreciating my art is an undeniable sign that she was definitely high. This leads directly to my next rule for someone sponsoring an Unexpected Football Party.

Rule Number Three: Always invite people who are high on something. I recommend at least two, in case one of them passes out or gets arrested.

How to Avoid Orange Ass Explosions

2011-09-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

Ordinarily, I have a hard time with people who talk about dieting. I really don’t care if you think carbs are evil or no one should eat gluten. Unless I directly ask you why your lunch looks like cardboard, feel free to keep all that to yourself. However, I am breaking my rule to give you all a warning. Due to advances in the science of weight loss medication, dieters everywhere now have to protect themselves against ass explosions.

I used to work in a building that had a cafeteria. Every day we would go to lunch, accompanied by Mandy, the dieter. Mandy would browse over the entire array of food items, explaining to all of us how many grams of fat each contained, before selecting a shriveled dry breast of chicken as her source of sustenance for the day. I thought she was insane. She wasn’t. It turns out she was a victim of Alli.

For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Alli is an over-the-counter weight-loss pill that works by blocking your absorption of excess fat. Mandy told me one day over her shriveled chicken, that Alli was originally developed as a drug for men to reduce their cholesterol. Men refused to take it because they did not want to change their diets. I can understand that. A girl announcing fat grams in a cafeteria is totally acceptable. She might even be perceived as virtuous. A guy announcing fat grams in a cafeteria is a dick.

You may be thinking that purchasing Alli is the ideal way to reduce your cholesterol and weight. I too was lured by the potential benefits of this new miracle diet aid. Since I happened to be at The Wal*Mart shopping for beer and Cheetos, I went over to the pharmacy section, and picked up a box of Alli to read the side effects. The box very politely describes how Alli plans to dispose of any excess fat it happens to find lying around in your stomach… through your ass. After reading, “You may have gas with oily spotting,” and “frequent stools that may be hard to control,” I couldn’t get the box back on the shelf fast enough.

Narrow escape, as it turns out. According to Jen P, the “gas with oily spotting” side effect can also be described as a “hot toxic bright orange ass river of doom.” In her recent blog post, "Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded," Jen P (@so_wakeup) shares her personal experience with Alli, a warning to us all about the new perils of dieting:

“I was essentially covered from waist to knee in a mess of bright orange oil, and wipe as I might with toilet paper, I was basically just rearranging it. I kept frantically trying to make it GO AWAY, but it just wouldn't. It was horrifying. “

All I can say is that the marketing department at Alli must be full of evil geniuses. I don’t know how much they are paying these people, but it can’t be enough. To fully understand the politely termed “Treatment Events” on the Alli packaging, I recommend reading Jeff Kay’s, "Alli Side Effects in Layman’s Terms."

Jeff explains that when the people of Alli state that, “You may get gas with oily spotting” what they actually mean is, “You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers.” The marketing people probably brainstormed for weeks before deciding that “more frequent stools that may be hard to control” sounded much better than a “sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.”

It's a public service message.

Alli has effectively expanded our dieting concerns way beyond phenphendrine heart attacks. Sure, it is approved by the FDA. But the FDA doesn’t care if you are trapped in your friend’s bathroom because a river of orange oil exploded from your ass. They would probably laugh at you. In fact, I’m convinced the guys over there approved this product as a practical joke.

In closing, I first would like to thank Jen P for bringing this potential hazard to our attention. We all owe you a debt of gratitude and khaki pants. I would also like take a moment to thank my ass for not rebelling against me. I had no idea what a great job it was doing until now.

Secondly, if you are planning to diet with the aid of modern pharmaceuticals, don’t forget check the side effects. If your medication recommends you wear a lot of dark colors and carry an extra set of clothing, you might be better off without it.

For Further Research:

Go to "Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded," to read the rest of Jen P's Alli-oop Incident. Frankly, I don't think her friend Heather was quick enough to respond to the issue. On the other hand, those khaki pants deserved to die.

For reasonable diet advice, do NOT go to "Why diets don't work - and never will" by Andreas Heinakroon. The reason diets are doomed is because this guy posted the most beautiful picture of donuts you have ever seen.

Update on Harvard Virtual Canoe Team

2011-09-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

Our Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team placed firstamong virtual rowing and canoe teams all over the world.

The members of our esteemed team are asfollows:

Gigi: In charge of megaphone

Satan

@rebecca_ods

maryann
@gingerblaze: Finder of imaginary bodies of water

We will treat this like the rapture. Everyoneon the Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team, at 6:00 your local time, may raise a pint ofyour favorite beverarge in celebration.

In respect to our accomplished rowing team, I am going to ask that everyone else please refrain from raising pints ofbeverages at 6:00pm your local time as you did absolutely nothing ofsignificance to earn them.

Based on the blinding success of our Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team, I am sure that many of you will now want to join. You can stilljoin, but now you have to beg and plead. I am not sure how much begging andpleading will be required. That will be decided on an individual basis, probably by Satan.

In fact, all requests to join the Harvard Imaginary Rowing Team should be sent directly to Satan(@SatanInSingSing) via Twitter and prefaced by significant begging and pleading. If you hurry, you might still make the 6:00pm pint raising deadline.

How to be a Grownup

2011-09-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

I was reading blogs at three in the morning, as I oftendo, when I found one that struck me as strange. It took a while for me tofigure out why I was having trouble with it. I was, literally, reading the blog... of a grownup. I know. It was quite ashock for me as well.

Alongside other members of the Breakfast Club generation, I watched AllySheedy tearfully tell Judd Nelson, “When you grow up, your heart dies.” Based on this, I always hadthe expectation that something would suddenly snap to make me startdrinking decaf and wearing shoe supports. This hasn’t happened to me yet. It ishard to convince myself that this whole thing about going to work anddropping my kid at school isn’t some long extended game developed for my amusement.Apparently, not everyone thinks that way.

Allow me to use the blog The JackB todemonstrate the inner workings of the grownup mind.

Grownups have Moral Fiber

In Jack’s well written post, “Bald is Beautiful and Other Things You Need to Know," Jack’s son is having second thoughts about playing soccer.

Here is what agrownup tells their son who wants to quit soccer:

“My job as his father is to help him reach his potentialand that I see things in him that he might not see. I said that he is muchtougher, stronger and smarter than he realizes and that soccer would help himsee that.”

In contrast, here is what I told my son when he wanted toquit soccer:

"Chasing a ball around on the field is stupid andthese people yelling at their kids are insane. Let’s get out of here."

Also, here is what I told my son when he wanted to quit baseball:

"Waiting in the outfield for a ball to come to you is stupid,and these parents are even crazier than the soccer ones. Plus, it’s hot outhere."

We finished out the season though. Not because we wereseeking some sort of moral high ground, but because that’s what you do when you’vealready paid for something.

Grownups have Political Viewpoints

Here is Jack onpolitics:

“I am not a fan of President Obama but I wouldn’t say thatI am a detractor. Part of the problem is that our government doesn’t feel thepain of the average person. My second largest monthly expense is healthcare.Thankfully we are healthy, but it wouldn’t take much to make life exceptionallydifficult. One serious injury/illness/accident and the whole house of cardscould tumble.”

Don’t get me wrong, I know what is going on in the world. I watch the Daily Show. I just never bring up politics around any one because itquickly results in people becoming opinionated and boring. For example, you should see theposts at the end of this guy’s blog.

This was going to say, “…I find your political agenda annoying” but why impose unnecessary limitations?

Sure, it is ridiculous that if you live in the United State you have to work for forty hours for someone else in order to have access to affordable healthcare. Lots of things about games are ridiculous. For example, the terrier on the Monopoly game board is the same size as the horse. Can you imagine the size of that terrier? But if you don’t like the illogical size of the terrier, you can choose the racecar, or maybe the top hat. On the other hand, I find it creepy to have a top hat bouncing around the board on its own, so don’t pick that either.

Jack is right, of course. The house of cards istilting slightly. Eventually, despite all preparation and moral fortitude, lifewill spin slightly, if not entirely, out of control. I think I just saw a damn card flying by just now, so I had betterhurry and make my point.

I thought I would become someone else when I grew up, and I never did. Apparently, some of you have grown up. Kudos to you, and I don’t even mean that sarcastically. I am glad you have your shit under control.

My appreciation goes out to all of you whodidn't grow up. Everything spins around us, but we handle it with the irreverenceand sarcasm that these situations require. Sure, we act like grownups. We politely sharepublic transportation with crazy people. We care for aging parents and placate annoyingneighbors. We clumsily blend career, family, and last minute trips to thegrocery store. But, we deal with the daily crap life hands out with the joyfulabandon of children in a complex game.

In closing, please do not harass the grownupswith their grownup blogs. They are very serious and may get pissed at you. Also, please do not post your politicalviewpoints. I find them boring and inane. Unless, of course, your politicalviewpoint is that political viewpoints are boring and inane. In that case,knock yourself out.

My next blog entry will be some timely advice on how to avoid orange assexplosions. It could happen to anyone. In fact, you should probably go aheadand read @so_wakeup's critical warning to us all: “Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded.” It never hurts to be safe.

How to Create Your Own Reality

2011-08-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have a friend on Facebook who posts things like YouTube videos entitled, I am: A Journey to Enlightenment. I would like to watch this video so I can inform you more accurately of its contents. But when I say I would like to watch it, I actually mean I would NOT like to watch it. Maybe I would like for you to think that I would like to watch it. Don’t worry. I can describe it to you without watching it. There is a picture of the ocean. Across the picture of the ocean is the sentence “You are Life itself pulsating in this dimension.” There. That is as far as I will go. If you want to know more, Google flaky YouTube videos about enlightenment. I’m sure it will pop right up for you.

Now that you have a clear background description of my friend based on her taste in YouTube videos I refuse to watch, I will get to the point of my post. My friend, and apparently the majority of the people posting on her page, believes that you create your own reality in your mind.

If this reality creation thing has any legs at all, wearing this shirt will make annoying people instantly disappear.

I have tried to seriously consider the concept, but I really don’t think I am creative enough to come up with some of this stuff. If I make my own reality, why would I put someone in my workplace to talk about building his own greenhouse all of the time? In my reality, Johnny Depp would be at my office reading me a phone book. I am pretty sure that is how I would have constructed it. Unless I created this reality a while back and I was lazy. I just threw in anyone. The Reality Planner was probably right there but I was all distracted and trying to get the whole thing over with so I could go back to writing my blog.

Reality Planner: What should people do all day in your reality?
Me: I don’t know. What are my choices?
Reality Planner: You could have people live in bubbles in the sky under rainbows and they could fly around on magic unicorns. Or you could have people go to a building with grey half-walls constructed around desks where they will sit and stare at screens while typing.
Me: Whatever, that wall thing. That sounds fine.

This would also explain that guy from Pakistan who came in from lunch the other day totally fascinated with the combo menu from Taco Bell. I could never have come up with that on my own.

Reality Planner: How about a Pakistan guy who loves Taco Bell?
Me: What is Taco Bell?
Reality Planner: It could be this place where people drive up in their cars to get handed tacos with artificial meat.
Me: Great, yeah. I’ll take like a million of those. Can I go now?

Side Note: Why do I not want to watch a YouTube video about enlightenment? Do I not want to be enlightened? Can I be enlightened without watching a homemade video with a picture of the ocean? That seems like really boring path. I need instant enlightenment. Maybe something I can hear on the radio. Or… I know… a tea! Lahikmajoedrinkstea will know which tea will lead to enlightenment. Right? And please don’t tell me to drink it while I am watching a YouTube video with a picture of the ocean, because I am not doing that.

Research Links:
To research tea enlightenment, go to lahikmajoedrinkstea.

For further information on how Facebook is full of a bunch of people that you are inconvenienced by actually knowing, go to Vive le Nerd to read a lovely rant on your right to Vulgarity.

If you are disconcerted because you are now wondering why the reality you constructed really sucks ass, go Shouts from the Abyss for a read from a self-proclaimed negativity guru about his boss. Your reality will automatically be better by comparison.

Please feel free to leave any comments about how to construct your own reality below. I obviously need some pointers. Keep in mind that links to flaky YouTube videos will be ignored.

How to Create Drama in your Life and Workplace

2011-08-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

A while back, we celebrated National Drama Day. On this day, I requested everyone get pissy about something irrelevant, yell at someone, and report back in. Some of you handled this task more successfully than others.

Next time, let's all wear t-shirts!

@tcrowe77 set out to accomplish Drama Day with the best intentions, but eventually had to point out: "Hating that my coworker pushes that thermostat to 73 when it should ALWAYS be on 72 is relevant!” I tend to agree.

@gingerblaze participated by eloquently stating, “Why Does Guy On Train HAVE to Talk On His Phone At All?” People on phones are an excellent, and unending, resource for Drama Day.

@debihen expressed her frustration with pedicure issues, “I am irritated that my pedicure chipped. I suspect this will ruin my whole day.” While this seems like a perfectly valid drama day statement, the inherent problem lies in the fact that there is no one to yell at. Both the thermostat and obnoxious guy on phone situations incorporated a focus for yelling, and everyone knows that really good drama requires yelling. This is the reason why I had to yell at @debihen for messing up Drama Day. After all, I have to set a good example.

To avoid this type of situation in the future, lets take a moment to go over a few Drama Day basics:

No matter the problem, someone else is always to blame

You can’t fully accomplish drama day by acting like nail polish chips are some sort of natural occurrence. You must to find someone to blame for this so you can yell at them. For example, you can yell at the person who gave you the pedicure; unless, of course, you gave yourself the pedicure. In that case, you are going to have to call the 800 number on the nail polish to find someone to yell at. It will take a little longer, but well worth your time.

Always remember that everyone is out to get you.

Let’s say, for instance, co-worker sends you an email without commas. Why did she send you an email with bad punctuation? Because she was trying to get work done? No. She sent you an email with no punctuation because she does not respect you. You are not worth the commas. You should spend the rest of the day carefully composing a long diatribe about professionalism in the workplace and commas. The more people you can CC on this, the better.

Lastly, and most importantly, phlegmy people will not be tolerated.

This shirt will prevent phegmy people from trying to use your clothing as kleenex. I have never actually seen this happen, but you can’t be too careful.

The most admirable outcome of Drama Day was @zippy219 who "picked a fight over nothing with a coworker just because I don't like her. She's phlegmy." Phlegmy people should always be yelled at as much as possible. If you can’t yell at them, you should at least attempt to spike their tea with Allegra in order to eradicate the cause of your irritation. For any tips of what type of tea is best to spike with Allegra, you should probably refer to my friend lahikmajoe’s expertise at lakimajoedrinkstea. He will definitely be able to recommend something.

@zippy219: I now declare you the Drama Day winner. I didn’t know it was a contest until now, so there aren’t any actual prizes, but congratulations anyway.

I must also give credit to @debihen for coming in a close second with the very powerful, last minute, drama day rant:

@lgalaviz yelled at me 'cause I did #dramaday wrong. She has ruined my week. #heavysigh

Note how many of the characteristics of a successful drama day @debihen incorporates into this statement. She identifies the problem, assigns blame, and assumes that I am out to get her, thus utterly ruining her week.

Well done, @debihen. The heavy sigh was a great touch. If only you could have somehow worked in phlegm.

Even though the official Drama Day is over (at least for now) feel free to leave any further rants or Drama Day suggestions below.

Update on how to maintain emotional stability

2011-08-25T06:18:00.000-07:00

@ivycanucchi suggests that wine is also a potential candidate, but if you are out of wine, Xanax wins.

How to Remain Emotionally Stable

2011-08-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

Circle of Moms presented a survey that somehow ended up in my inbox. The topic of this survey was...

How do you remain emotionally stable?

As my cursor hovered dangerously over the delete button, I suddenly thought to myself, how DO people remain emotionally stable? Granted, not everyone has multitudes of kids running around, but there are always some days that are better than others. I decided to click on this link, this key to lasting emotional stability.

Upon clicking the link, you will find at the top of the page, Teresa’s comment with the winning total of 44 votes. Her advice is this: “The first thing one can do is pray and to look up for God to guide in the situation.”

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I pray to God, I worry about him secretly making fun of me. In case you haven’t read it, the guy was not cool in the Old Testament. He spent most of his time turning people into pillars of salt and unleashing plagues. I find this type of behavior untrustworthy. His idea of guidance would probably be to tell me to build an ark or something. The guy seems to be a bit of a prankster. (Side note: Don’t worry, I can say these things, because I am a very close friend of Satan.)

Maybe person number two has some better advice, scanning down… Ah here we go…

Next, we have Janice who repeats, I’m assuming for emphasis, “Yes, pray, pray, pray.” Crap. Does no one on this damn forum have anything original? Okay, one more….

Tammy also feels compelled to share her religious enthusiasm: “So good to see you and other Moms leaning on God!! Children are gifts from Him to raise for Him.” Okay, that is IT. If your children are ‘gifts from God,’ why do you need a forum to figure out how NOT to go insane because of them? I was right. God has an odd sense of humor.

Please allow me to give you all some real advice on how to stay sane.

First of all… Stop yelling.

If you go around yelling all the time, no one will know when you are seriously outraged. I know this guy who yelled at his kid to eat a hotdog. If you are yelling at a kid because he won’t eat a hunk of processed meat, what are you going to do when he comes home with that DUI? All your cards have already been dealt. You are going to have to fake a heart attack or something.

This shirt is for people to wear to Little League games…

or when watching any of the Real Housewives reality series.

I do realize that I may have, quite recently, told some of you to go to work during #dramaday and yell at people, but that was for fun. Yelling at people for your own amusement is totally different.

Secondly… Quit letting stupid things get to you.

A woman from cubicle world (i.e., the place I work) once spent an entire day calling the city of Garland to complain about Vietnamese people having a party across the street from her house. Apparently, these people had some beer and left the bottles in their front yard. I am not sure why it was of particular importance that they were Vietnamese, but it was.

She kept calling all these people and telling them she knew the mayor. I kept thinking that if she really knew the mayor, maybe she should just call him with her complaints directly. When she ran out of people to call, she spent the rest of the day asking everyone in the office if there was some sort of Vietnamese holiday she didn’t know about. As if anyone needs a holiday to drink beer in their front yard.

I can see how it would be troubling to look across the street at the evidence of a party to which you were uninvited, but why get all worked up about it when you can use the situation to your advantage? The Vietnamese people have a yard that is already messed up. Grab a lawn chair and a couple of big forties, and head on over. You won’t even have to recycle.

This shirt will either provoke racial tension,

or prompt people to bring you beer.

Let me know how it works out for you.

My final bit of advice for maintenance of sanity: Rant on Twitter.

Aside from vodka, ranting on Twitter is my main source of stress relief. I spend most of my time on Twitter in some form of rant, and I’ve found it to be very helpful. The people on Twitter are both witty and very smart (I’m not sure if they are real, but let’s just keep that between us, okay?). They have helped me through several existential crises, and gave many helpful suggestions for dealing with overbearing family members (and this wasn’t even during the holidays).

So, if you are losing your emotional stability. Please feel free to talk to God to see if you need to build that ark. But, if you don’t hear from him immediately, try the virtual people on Twitter. They are always there waiting, safely tucked away in your phone.

Addendum…

I must give credit where credit is due, Circle of Moms member, Reiko, earned 33 votes with, “Have a stiff cocktail and take a deep breath.” Thank you, Reiko. Your survey votes are now at 34.

Next Post…

How to create drama in the workplace…. or anywhere else for that matter.

Update on how to improve your life by going to Harvard

2011-08-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

I would like to extend an invitation to all my virtual friends to join my imaginary Harvard canoe team. Gigi will be in charge of the megaphone, and rebecca_ods is our first official team member. I don’t know how many rowers are actually on a canoe team, but I am sure it is flexible.

The rowing is imaginary, but the pints are real.

All proceeds from the Harvard Canoe Team will go towards improving my son’s substandard education. It was suggested that a good way to remedy his mediocre educational opportunities would be to send him to Montessori school, so that is where the funds will go. Not for actual Montessori school tuition, but for a large sign that says, “Montessori” that we will hang above the door of his current school. So, who is with me? All we need is a canoe and some oars.

And a megaphone.

How to improve your life by going, or not going, to Harvard

2011-08-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

When someone close to you looks at you and directly asks, “Don’t you want the best for your child?” It calls for a little reflection. However, what I consider best for my child, and what you consider the best could very well be two different things. With all due respect, there are different ways of raising a contributing member of society. --Is that what I am supposed to be doing here? Sometimes I miss the obvious.--

I just want to make sure my kid is happy. If a successful career complete with wife and kids make him happy, so be it. Maybe he wants to be a serial killer, or just loot stores for television sets. That would be fine too. Perhaps he wants to be a Southern Baptist Snake Handler or a Tea Party Activist. Now he is pushing it, but I would still see my way through to support him. I just want him to have a fulfilling life, however he defines that for himself. All I ask is that if he is going to be a serial killer, not to bring any severed limbs to the house. We never have any room in the freezer as it is.

This shirt helps serial killers to relate better to the general population.

Stating you are NOT a serial killer will generally put people at ease.

Maybe my kid wants to go to Harvard, or the local community college. I am fine with either. Granted, I’m not paying for Harvard, unless it really improves your life in a measurable way. In that case, I might go too. Has anyone out there been to Harvard? If so, please explain objectively how this experience has improved, or downgraded your life. Also, were you on one of those rowing canoe teams? Are those at Harvard? I have always wanted to be on a rowing canoe team where you row the canoe with the guy yelling through a megaphone, then go out for pints after. Maybe it is the pints that are appealing. Either way, please advise.

How NOT to Raise a Child

2011-08-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

This is probably going to be a multi-part series. I may have to split it off into a separate blog.

TOPIC ONE: How NOT to Choose a School

I am feeling angst because a very close family member disapproves of the school where I am sending my son. From what I gathered of the conversation, I should be sending him to a school full of Asian or Indian kids, because their performance is so much better than that of American children. I love our school because it is diverse, the teachers are kind, and my kid is happy there. Are these the right reasons? Also we don’t want to move to a fancy neighborhood so my son can go to school with a bunch of kids raised by tiger moms. No offense if you are a tiger mom, but I have sat next to you at little league games and you guys really stress me out.

This shirt is for tiger moms to wear as a warning to others. Now people won't have to give up a perfectly good seat on the bleachers to avoid you when you start screaming at your kids.

In my defense, I stated that our selection of neighborhood and school was carefully thought out and I would appreciate her not treating our educational choices as haphazard decisions. However, in retrospect, we did choose our house because the lot has nice trees. Also, we drove by the elementary school down the road and didn’t see any police tape, chalk outlines, or obvious drug trafficking, so we assumed everything would be okay. Apparently, it is far from okay. According to the school ranking system, our school is only RECOGNIZED. A really good school would be EXEMPLARY. Even though we are still one notch above those poor souls who are only ACCEPTABLE, it was a rookie mistake to choose a house because it has nice trees.

This shirt is for those of you who are recognized. You worked hard to achieve this, and it would be a shame for people to not recognize that you are recognized.

This shirt is for those of you who are acceptable. If you are not acceptable, wearing the shirt might help you out for a while, but I can’t guarantee how long the illusion will be maintained.

Personally, I work very hard to achieve ACCEPTABLE in my own life, and it is not as easy as one might think. Maybe it is not the school my son goes to, or the house that we live in. It could very well be me that is lacking in what it takes to be RECOGNIZED or EXEMPLARY. I asked my son when he was two years old if he wanted to be a child genius, and he said ‘no.’ Maybe I should have pushed harder, but that ship has sailed. Now he is like every other slacker American kid playing with his Nintendo DS instead of learning to play the viola. This is not because of the educational system. It is because of me. There it is everyone… it is not the fault of the wonderful teachers at my son’s school, it is not the rating system, the problem is me. He could have cured cancer if I didn’t buy him Super Mario Cart.

And NO… if you are EXEMPLARY, you do NOT get a damn shirt. Don’t even ask.

How to Choose a Career

2011-08-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

The following is a description of my husband’s behavior after he buys an item at the store. This narrative is not particularly important in the specifics of job hunting, but does eventually apply to the entire scheme of things. If you are reading this rather than looking for a job, you probably need a break anyway. Writing cover letters is excruciating.

Husband has now finished his purchase. The cashier counts out a five and several one dollar bills for his change. The item is in the bag, and at this SuperCenter, this moment in time, this particular transaction is now complete. The cashier is standing there, waiting for the next group of items to roll down the conveyor belt. A line of people are standing there, expecting to move forward, and on with their lives. None of these things matter to my husband, as he carefully smoothes, straightens and arranges all of his bills with each the president’s head facing the same direction. I, on the other hand, never want to hold up progress in a SuperCenter, which is why I always wad up the whole mess of dollar bills and shove them in my purse.

That said, earlier this week my beloved takes me out for a drink. He looks deeply into my eyes and… asks if I have money for the tip. I am busy messing around with the salt on my shot of tequila, so I tell him I have plenty of change, and that he should retrieve it from my purse. So, he reaches into my purse, pauses, then holds up a huge wad of crumpled one dollar bills. The expression on his face is a mixture of disgust and dismay. He is totally ungrateful, I might add, for my willingness to pay the tip. I consider explaining that the bills are like this because I am not an asshole who holds people up in Wal-Mart, but I find it easier to say clearly, in a very loud voice, “Sorry, those are my tips from stripping.”

The thing I like about declaring loudly that you are a stripper, is that everyone can automatically imagine what it is you do though out your workday, or night as the case may be. For example, you can’t just yell out, “Those are my tips from working as an Instructional Designer.” That statement would only confuse people. Plus, I don’t even think they make tips.

This brings us to our main topic of the day: How to Choose a Career. People will tell you all about salary and benefits, but they never tell you that the most important aspect of choosing a career is to get a good title. If you have a good title, people don’t look at you funny when you tell them you are a Dynamic Marketing Associate or a Direct Integration Facilitator. (Resume Tip -- For more ridiculous job titles, try Bullshit Job: Job Title Generator. There are tons of them.)

Doctor, lawyer, and stripper are all instantly recognizable, clear-cut job titles with no explanation required. The problem with these obtaining these jobs, however, is often lack of skill and/or qualification… and, of course, proper attire. Lawyers, for instance, wear power suits, so you will need to get one of those. I don’t know whether they come with the power, or if you have to get that separate. I'm sure the salespeople at JC Penney’s will know, so just ask them when you get there.

In the meantime, allow me to share a personal example of how lack of appropriate attire can limit your career options. Specifically, how I blew my chance to be a stripper.

I once went into a strip club with a group of friends because I had never been to one. (I have never been to a Catholic Church service either, but that is on my to-do list.) Apparently, being a girl in a strip club, the club owner is required to come over and check to see if you are job hunting. Surprisingly enough, there wasn't even an application to fill out. I’m not sure what the hiring process for stripper typically involves, but this person seemed willing to let me get up on stage within the hour without even a reference check.

They most likely quit making people fill out the applications. Writing down your references, five year goals and highest level of education would take a lot of the glamour out of dancing in a g-string to heavy metal songs. Plus, I would be really angry if I had to put on my glass platform heels just to end up filling out forms about my previous work experience. Glass platform heels are really uncomfortable.

The reason my stripper career failed to proceed was not because of lack of qualification or skill. I could take the time to mention here that lack of skill is probably why I would have been fired. I happen to be a horrible dancer and I’m really clumsy in heels, but that was not my downfall as of yet. The blunder resulting in my failed stripper career was my failure to have right sort of clothing on hand. The club owner said some of the girls could loan me their items, but I would have felt really uncomfortable wearing someone else's g-string.

If you are already in a career with an ambiguous title, it is probably too late for you to switch to being a stripper. However, you can always change your title. You should consider a title incorporating words like specialist, or expert. These are terms that make you already seem important with no further action required. Do not use words like developer or consultant. These terms imply action and people will eventually expect you to do stuff. And don’t be a cashier at Wal-Mart SuperCenter. The job title is fine, but you will spend most of your time watching my husband arrange his dollar bills. I’m not sure what effect that will have on you in the long run, but it is not boding well for me.

Did God Create the Universe?

2011-08-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

I was raised to not question anything from the Bible, like creation. However, if someone tells you not ask questions about something, that in and of itself is the best reason to delve right into it. After all, you need to know where lines are so you can color outside of them. Therefore, when the Discovery Channel announced that Stephen Hawking would be figuring out if God really created the universe, I was like, “Awesome. Let’s do this thing!”

And so it began. Television producers got together to answer the question, “Is there a meaningful outcome to this story we call the universe?” Commercial sponsors got together to answer the question, “Is Nissan an innovative company?” and “Should you ask your doctor about persistent heartburn?” After a brief promo for a show about people fishing with their bare hands, the program began, and I settled in with my popcorn to ponder our collective fate. That is when Stephen Hawking ruined EVERYTHING. He got himself on TV, and flat out stated that there is no god. There is no controller of our destiny. The master narrative of our religious faith is useless and we are all miniscule specks in an indifferent universe. Dammit, Stephen Hawking! I just wanted to color outside the lines. You didn't have to burn the whole coloring book!

In short, we are doomed. I have isolated the main problem to gravity. Don’t let gravity fool you. It may be keeping that pencil on your desk right now, but it is bad news. You see, everything around us was created by this giant star exploding billions of years ago because gravity was bored and didn’t have anything better to do. Now that gravity is done exploding stars, it is forcing the universe to slowly spread apart into vast infinite nothingness. We are condemned drift unwillingly into the meaningless void of eternity. Are we there yet? No... and we NEVER WILL BE!

Just when I thought I had stayed up too late without figuring out the universe, I decided to consult with my panel of philosophical experts (Twitter is rampant with philosophical experts). This is what I found out:

@AIRIGOAGAIN believes that we are “masters of our destiny in the same way that sailors are the master of their journey. You can’t control the sea, only react.” When pressed, he did admit that you could control at least part of the sea, “ a really small part, close to the shore. Or the part touching the hull of the ship that is yourself.” However, I wouldn’t recommend getting that close to the water so soon after shark week. Those sharks didn’t look like they were done.

@engr_andy recommends catching up on your karma by reading a story about Buddhists rescuing a boat of lobsters: Good Karma: Buddhists Liberate 500 Lobsters Destined for Dinner Plates. His hope is that "maybe someone will cut my rubber bands off and throw me overboard." I tend to agree there is a good chance of this. Buddhists always turn up when you least expect them.

According to @debihen, the path to karma and finding meaning in life is more direct than we realize, “Clearly, we tend to complicate things when it's all simple. Metal Chicken and be kind. Life in a nutshell.” This comment brings to light the impossible fact that the Discovery Channel and Stephen Hawking failed to consider a metal chicken in their ENTIRE god vs. the universe program. @jbrown3079 reasoned that the show was obviously put together “before we discovered the power of the metal chicken.” Frankly, I feel it was an irresponsible oversight on their part and I expect a retraction.

With this in mind, let’s take another look at the universe from a more practical perspective. In the wise words of @msCreatrix, “Here's the thing about the Universe… It makes as much sense as Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken.” Yes. Yes it does.

So, there it is... Be kind, rescue lobsters when you find them, and respect the power of the metal chicken. We can’t ask religion or Stephen Hawking to define the mysterious pull towards a connection larger than ourselves. But, we can create our own narrative as we make our way through the sea of time. And, if you feel trapped by your circumstances, hold your course. You never know when some Buddhists are going to pop up around the corner to cut rubber bands off your claws.

In the meantime, no more Discovery Channel for me. Tonight, I will follow @feuxdeforet’s advice and watch kitty videos on YouTube.

Wasteland Survival Update

2011-08-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

I have updated the plan for wasteland survival based on all of your valuable input. You may now begin hostile takeover of Wal-mart, Google Headquarters, and Chuck E. Cheese restaurants. When attacking Chuck E. Cheese locations, please make sure all animatronics survive in good condition as they are somehow key to the overall strategy.

All canned goods are approved for hoarding as long as you have removed the labels. Also, hobos and dragons have been added to the list of acceptable pets.

In other recent developments, @AngentDragonFly informed us that PetSmart is now sponsoring pterodactyl adoptions. If you are seeking a pet for the upcoming apocalypse, please consider one of these guys. They need good homes.

What we can all learn from Shark Week

2011-08-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

For those of you unaware, last week was Shark Week on Discovery Channel. For me, it is the first week of the rest of my life in which I will never go to a beach again. Aside from this, there is more we can take away from shark week other than a great deal of sympathy for those cute and ultimately doomed baby seals.

First of all, I cannot express firmly enough how important it is during Shark Week to be aware of your culinary choices. For example, cherry pie may seem like a great desert choice, until you are looking down at it noticing how similar in color it is to a severed human leg. If you are on a diet, this could work to your advantage.

More food to avoid serving during televised shark attack re-enactments is jelly donuts. This was a tip sent via twitter by @ToMotherNature. I tend to agree that jelly donuts are the worst possible food choice for Shark Week. Armed with this knowledge, I may have to invite people over now for a nice little Shark Week brunch.

My facebook friend Debbie (aka @debihen), suggests serving minced meat pie for Shark Week. I tried to act on her suggestion, but could not find this particular pie premade at the grocery store. I will only eat pies that are pre-made at the grocery store. I will also eat pies other people have prepared. On further reflection, my issues with pie seemed to be tied in more to the aspects of preparation than the eating. Did you come here to read about my issues with pie? Probably not, but it is clearly too late now.

Right now you are most likely regretting the fact that you have just wasted several seconds of your day reading a slightly ridiculous shark blog entry about pie. Allow me to console you. One important premise we can take away from Shark Week is that your day could always be worse. No matter what kind of day you are having, it would be infinitely more terrible with a shark chewing on one of your limbs. I suggest we all take a moment this instant to be grateful we are not currently being attacked by sharks.

You don’t even have to stop at sharks when applying this principle to your daily life. You can always, for instance, be grateful for not being trampled by stampeding cattle. Debbie considers “shark attacks, killer bee attacks, and fire ant attacks” as further reasons to appreciate your amazing ability to go about your day unimpeded. In fact, she recommends you use these examples while creating your “NOT to do list.”

Of course, this premise can only be taken so far. If you are dying of a drug overdose, then a shark attack wouldn’t seem so bad in the whole scheme of things. Allow me to take a moment to convey my heartfelt sympathy to anyone currently suffering a drug addiction and simultaneous shark attack. Your day could not possibly get any worse… at least not without fire ants.

Reading these blogs, you could get the idea I don't know any real people. Just so you know, I do know actual live individuals and not just twittery-facebook ones. However, the actual real people in my proximity always want me to do things like go to cattle stampedes or shark-infested beaches. Plus, I have the sneaking suspicion that they do not exist. How can I prove people are really there if I am not looking right at them? For all I know, they could dissolve the second I look away. Or, as @whejas suggests, if I have failed to previously imagine them. If I know you in person and you are not existing right now, this means I have failed you. I’m sorry.

This post seems to have wandered a bit off topic. To wrap things up, here are a few things we can all learn from Shark Week:

Be grateful for things you are not currently being attacked by
Remember to exist when no one is looking right at you

I hope you have found this helpful.

How to Survive a Wasteland Apocalypse

2011-07-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

How will you survive wandering through a barren wasteland? We all live in dread of zombie apocalypse but what if the imminent danger lies in fresh water diluting the Gulf Stream because of sunspots? This doesn’t even have a good ring to it. Plus, we don't even get to kill zombies.

This past weekend, my dad was talking about Britain freezing over and everyone starving not being able to grow food. I realize that I don't watch the news, but you would think something like Britain freezing over would have somehow made itself apparent. Now I am thinking, "Damn, did I miss the apocalypse?"

Then, Dad tells me to read this book. Most of the books he recommends are history books, so I was a little taken aback to realize this one was not history book, but rather a graphic and catastrophic description of our near future. I am reading along as this guy discusses sunspots and water salinity; suddenly, I turn the page and entire continents are frozen over with everyone fighting each other for food.

I know what you are thinking, “Oh, MY continent wouldn’t freeze.” Well, as it turns out, even if your particular continent is not frozen over, you are still screwed. All the people on non-frozen continents are going to be in desert wastelands with no water, also fighting for food.

To make matters worse, I read all this right before going to bed. Not a good idea. Needless to say, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. in a panic attack, trying to figure out how long we have before I take the family out rummaging through the city dump for a toothbrush because no one can manufacture them anymore.

Being the reasonable person that I am, I decided to take matters into my own hands and consult a panel of experts on how to best handle the matter. My panel of wasteland survival experts was carefully chosen based on strict qualifications. The most important of these qualifications was being on Twitter during my terror-induced insomnia.

According to Twitter Wasteland Apocalypse Panel expert, @lahikmajoe, “For the food scarce wasteland, it’s best to train. Scheming is also a plus.” This logic seems fairly solid; therefore, I have broken down the basic steps to surviving wasteland apocalypse into two stages, planning and scheming.

Stage One: Planning

1. Start stashing creamed corn under your bed. I cannot overemphasize that you need to start this step IMMEDIATELY. In a barren wasteland where people are fighting for food, this stuff will be like gold. Panel expert @daralynnieloo recommends Twinkies, because, “They never ever go bad and there are like a zillion of them.” However, the main flaw in this food choice is that if you have cartons of Twinkies under your bed, you, or someone you know, might be tempted to eat them. This will NEVER happen with creamed corn.

2. Go to Germany to buy wasteland insurance. @lahikmajoe, told me for a fact that “in Germany, one can get wasteland insurance. It’s all very practical.” @lahikmajoe… Please let us know when your insurance company starts handing out the creamed corn. We may need to get a head start on this thing.

3. Select a wasteland appropriate pet. What kind of pet should you have for a wasteland apocalypse? I know you are thinking hobos, but hobos will do you no good in this situation. They actually like creamed corn and will thus use up all your resources. You need a pet that will ideally help you find food and defend your castle. (Yes, we will all be getting castles, details forthcoming).

According to panel expert @AgentDragonFly, pet selection of the future is about “whose pet can destroy other people and bring their food to YOU.” She also has a groundbreaking theory that “bringing pterodactyls back would be helpful.” They are in fact, “the birds of the tomorrow, but yesterday.”

I know you are all set to order some pterodactyl eggs on Amazon.com, but before you act too hastily, I must let you know that there is some contention on this issue. @daralynnieloo, is adamant that, “Dinosaurs would be HORRIBLE pets.” She has done some research in this area and referenced a movie called Jurassic Park. It seems to have ended badly, mainly because of velociraptors.

However, pterodactyls are birds. Everyone knows that birds make good pets. You almost never see any movies about birds lingering around, waiting to peck people's eyes out. So the main point of contention must be the velociraptors. Can a velociraptor be trained as a post apocalypse pet? @AgentDragonFly insists that the urge to track and kill humans can be mediated through medication. However, I know people on medication who would still poke your eye out as soon as look at you. Maybe it’s all about the dosage.

Stage Two: Scheming

Wasteland apocalypse is a problem easily solved through social media. Social media is the new solution for everything. As soon as you hear on the news that the wasteland apocalypse has started, everyone grab all your creamed corn and go to your nearest Medieval Times Castle. (You have pretend castles in Germany, right, @lahikmajoe? Oh, yeah… you have REAL ones. Good luck with that.)

Together, we will storm the castle. You might be worried that your skill level at storming castles is below par, but there is no reason for concern. There will be knights in armor coming at you, but I have seen these guys in action. Everyone they kill gets up again a few minutes later when they think no one is looking.

Now that you have the basic survival steps for the upcoming wasteland apocalypse, you probably want to do more. You yearn to unite through social media on important issues so your significant other will quit rolling their eyes when you mention wasteland apocalypse pterodactyl pets. Lucky for you, I have listed a few ways below in which you can contribute to the overall plan based on your unique talents of either planner or schemer.

Planners:

You can be key in settling the velociraptor pet controversy. @daralynnieloo‘s apprehension lies in the fact that they are incredibly smart, they jump really high, open doors and steal snacks out of vending machines, all without opposable thumbs, thus making velociraptor the “#1 scariest animal.” And also they eat people. On the other hand, @AgentDragonFly insists they can be trained, much like a T-Rex, or a pit bull.

Your task as a planner is to explain how velociraptors will make good/horrifying pets for the wasteland apocalypse. If you are going to claim they make good pets, you must substantiate your claim by explaining how you will get them to not eat us.

Schemers:

We are currently taking suggestions for alternate fortresses we can take over by force. Medieval Times has beer on tap and lots of room for the pterodactyls to fly around, but if you’ve got a better suggestion… let’s have it.

How to Improve Your Life with a Metal Chicken

2011-07-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

Never drink margaritas by the pool with my friend Michiel if you do not want a giant cow ringing your doorbell. Okay, I admit I partially brought this on myself by mentioning that my life is incomplete without a giant chicken. I also need to admit that the cow isn’t actually a giant cow. It is life-size. Cows are apparently larger than they look when you are passing them by on the highway. She wanted to get me a giant chicken, but due to the fact that the animals available through this company are life-size, the chicken would have been really disappointing. She made up for this by getting me a life-size penguin. They are also larger than they seem when you are passing them by on the highway.

Life-size cardboard cows and penguins are as good if not better than giant metal chickens. Plus, she got extra points for assembling these creatures at a gas station on the way to my house. If you ever see someone assembling life-size cardboard animals at gas station, please pull over and tell them they are doing a good job. They deserve some recognition.

The surprises continue as we leave the cardboard animals and are now on our way to…

The Crazy Lady Giant Chicken Store

The minute we drive up, I know that Michiel means business on getting me a giant metal chicken. The yard in front of the store is cluttered with giant metal chickens, concrete bird baths, a giant metal zebra, some flamingos, a donkey, and a group of wild metal boars. We are clearly in the right place, and decide to take a look inside.

Crazy Lady greets us at the door of her collection. The tractor seat bar stools, leather rugs, knife and fork wind chimes, and cat magnets wait tantalizingly in the distance as this woman tells us in detail how she hurt her back lifting the concrete yard art outside. She couldn’t move for three days. Now she is getting rid of them. She can help us out with the larger ones, but not the smaller ones, because you can’t really come down from $21 dollars. Now I am distracted. Is there some sort of new numbering system that stops at 21? How can you not come down from 21? 20. There… I did it: Nobel Prize for me. I regret not asking her if she would come down from $22 dollars. However, we did not come here for concrete birdbaths. We came for…

Metal Chickens. Or Roosters... Choosters.

So, we are looking at all these metal roosters, because even though we keep calling them chickens, they are actually roosters. We don’t care though, because saying metal chicken over and over is much more fun that saying the word ‘rooster.’ Michiel picks up a rooster. We both take a look at this guy and can tell right away he has character. Character is what counts in a metal chicken-rooster. Suddenly, Crazy Lady jumps out from behind a wagon wheel table like a ninja and asks, with way too much enthusiasm, “Do you like roosters???” Michiel and I exchange glances, and look at her in silence, because, really... who LIKES roosters? I immediately tell Crazy Lady: “NO, I don’t like roosters. I came here to buy the metal chicken that will solve all my life problems. I didn’t come here because I ‘like roosters.’ What kind of nutcase do you think I am?? JEEZ!” Or... at least that is what I said inside my head. I’ve learned from past experience not to say these things out loud.

Unaware of the rant going on inside my head, Crazy Lady begins showing us all her assorted roosters. We are letting her go through her spiel, despite the fact that she blatantly refuses to participate in calling them chickens. She explains to us that each rooster is unique: “I design them. Then I send the designs to my Mexicans who make them by hand.”

I know what you are thinking. Yes, she said, “MY Mexicans.” Now I am pissed off. Remember when I said I wanted a pet and Sidney and Jack W said to get a hobo because they make their own gravy? Then, lahikmajoe had to bring up the possibility of legal issues. Plus, daralynnieloo was concerned with how the hobo would be acquired. The final blow to my idea came from debihen who stated that hobos make "lousy pets" being "too noisy" with "demands hard to ignore." Well… you guys are WRONG! This woman has a whole bunch of Mexicans in a room somewhere that are hers! I wasn’t even going to make my hobo carve out metal roosters. This is so unfair.

To make a long story less long, Michiel bought a metal donkey. I really liked the donkey, but felt like we had made the trip for a metal chicken, and I would be a fool not to buy one.

Horatio and Amos

So, now that I have the metal chicken that will solve everything, and Michiel has a metal donkey, our next stop is…

The Truck Stop with Giant Cups and Magic Scale

First, I notice this truck stop has toenail clipper key chains available. I never knew that clipping my toenails while driving was an option. This could really free up my day. The truck stop also has drink cups that are the size of buckets. The buckets are only a dollar, but Michiel tells me we can’t buy them because they wont fit in her cup holders. I imagine that spilling one of these would be equivalent to an in-car tsunami, and agree that purchasing cups this size is not an option. Michiel gets a modest 20 oz cup, apparently meant for an enormous amount of coffee. I follow suit, somewhat reluctantly.

Waiting for everyone to fill their buckets takes a while, so I use the time to ask a guy ahead of us how he plans on holding his 52 oz bucket of drink while driving. He explains, proudly, that he has a cup holder, or bucket holder, that will accommodate. I nod, and notice that his six-year old is filling up a drink bigger than ours. Then, much to my dismay, we can’t even find straws for our little dainty cups. Even the straws are bucket-sized!

This thing could put out your eye.

On the plus side, was a scale in the bathroom that, for a quarter, will tell you your EXACT weight, the winning lottery numbers, and your fortune. Now I am realizing I got distracted and never read my fortune. Hopefully, it said I win the lottery because I totally bought that ticket. After all, a scale told me to. The weight seemed exact, so logic dictates the lottery numbers will be as well. A scale has never told me to do anything, so I don’t have any past comparisons regarding reliability.

In conclusion, yesterday I had nothing. Today, I have a metal chicken, a life-sized cow and penguin, a cup with an enormous straw, and a lottery ticket. My life is complete.

FINALLY!

References:
For anyone who does not understand how a giant metal chicken can solve everything...
My friend Jenny has this blog.

Making Time for Yourself

2011-07-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

This entry is less of a helpful tool, and more of a personal rant… fair warning. But, there still will be t-shirts. However, they won’t exist. Honestly, I don’t even know why you are reading this. There must be something better you could be doing.

Just so you know, I get up thirty minutes early every morning to go to the park with my dog. There is a reason I have chosen a dog for this activity. Even though I have to remind her not to roll in poo on the ground, she is quiet. Her idea of a conversation is a pat on the head and maybe a good rub behind the ear. People on the other hand, are more demanding.

For example, one Sunday morning on our way to the park, I suddenly realized was MOTHER’S DAY. Walking along a sidewalk on Mother’s Day probably doesn’t seem like such a terrible idea, much in the same way that a few slow moving undead flesh eaters would seem like a serious threat on the first day of zombie apocalypse. However, all the mothers being taken out to breakfast before church were in such a good mood that they seemed compelled to accost me with cheerfulness on their way to being tucked into minivans. I find it extremely unfair to have to deal with cheerful people before I have had coffee. Also, watching these giddy women in dresses and flowers headed to breakfast then church made me feel slightly sad for them. I began to wonder if I could hire a sniper to kill me if I ever walk into a Denny’s on a Sunday morning wearing a corsage. How would you even find a good sniper? Angie’s List? Now I am worried about how the sniper interview would go. Would he bring a resume? What if all his references are dead? What if they aren't?

Of course, Mother’s Day is a once a year event. There are daily obstacles to my being able to make it though the first part of the morning without having to be nice to people. Don’t get me wrong. I am nice to people. I am nice to people all day. I simply prefer not to start too early.

My primary obstacle is a next-door neighbor who gets up very early. She is also quite old. These two aspects blend perfectly into at least five minutes of the day sucked right out of my system. Instead of being on my way to the park, I find that the, “Hi, how are you” which I intended to be the entirety of the conversation will instantly slide into a discussion of how I think the Cowboys are doing this year, and where I think the people who mow her lawn should place the bags of yard trimmings. Neither of these topics are anywhere near my area of expertise. Another concern is that she talks extremely slow. I am not sure if this is because people slow down as they get older, or if everyone else speeds up. When I am finally free to continue to the park, I am now worried that one day I will be living alone and moving in slow motion, perplexed by bags of lawn trimmings. Not a good start for the day.

Another obstacle is my companions in the park itself. Most of these people have the same goal as I do and present no problem. ‘Headphones Bald Man’ is content to continue his walk with a simple nod. ‘Friendly Cyclist’ is fine with a smile and a ‘hi’ as his bike whizzes past. ‘Guy with Hat Walking Dogs through Field’ waves from a distance. The only one who presents a problem is ‘Strange Hippie Chick.’ The problem with this person is that she is not content with simply walking, running, or cycling through the park. In my mind, if you are not a teenager smoking pot, these are the only acceptable park behaviors. She stretches, does yoga moves, and at one point I actually caught her doing jumping jacks. I find it very disturbing. The last time I encountered ‘Strange Hippie Chick,’ she was picking up a couple of Dasani bottles from curb of the parking lot. While I appreciate her efforts to keep the park clean of debris, I did not expect her to look right at me and declare with a menacing tone, “People are pigs.”

I am not sure what to do with that information. Plus, she has gotten off lightly as far as trash pickup is concerned. I have picked up pizza boxes there once. One morning, I even picked up some beer cans. Although I looked like I had just finished off several huge cans of Milwaukee’s Best in the space of time it took me to walk to the trash can, I never thought twice about it. Why does she get to be agitated over a couple of water bottles? Maybe she was mad that the park no option for recycling. Maybe she was upset because Dasani is a Coca-Cola product. Hippies are hard to figure out.

So, if you see people in the morning, please do not bother them by wearing flowers to breakfast, doing jumping jacks, or asking them what to do with bags of leaves and grass clippings. On the other hand, if you are up early and want to be left alone, please try wearing one of the following t-shirts.

Appreciation for those who respect your space

An admonition for those who refuse to leave you alone until you have had coffee

For people who can't take a hint

This one hasn’t been field tested yet, but I think it is a great idea.
No one wants to stop and chat when they are afraid they might have a bee in their hair.

Update on Satanic Apparel

2011-07-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

Official Satan-Wear is Now Available

Apparently Zazzle will let just anyone on their website, allowing Satan to begin the official production of the ‘Satan thinks I’m cool’ t-shirt. I am assuming that there is a process in place before purchase to make sure Satan actually thinks you are cool. Also, there is a legal agreement to prevent unapproved individuals from borrowing and then wearing the shirt. Don’t even ask about giving the shirt as a gift because there is a background check requiring wearer of the shirt to have at least a misdemeanor criminal offense, or proof you have killed a kitten. Satan is flexible.

However, the good news is that I hear there are plans for a ‘Satan’s Minion’ shirt that will be more accessible. These shirts will be part of the mandatory hell dresscode, so you should probably go ahead and buy a few just so you can get the feel of it.

How to Make and Maintain Influential Friendships

2011-07-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

It is important to make and maintain friendship with influential individuals in order to use them to sway the circumstances of the world in your favor. Developing these relationships can be a long arduous process. You can expedite this process by following the steps outlined here for you today.

Step One: Become friends with Satan.

That is about it. Once you are friends with Satan, you will have everything you need. I am pretty sure Satan knows all the politicians and Donald Trump. You really don’t need anyone else after that, except maybe a good plumber.

I am sure the next question you may ask is, “But how do I become friends with Satan?” The answer is to win at Twitter. If you had kept up with my blog, you would be winning at Twitter by now. If you were winning at Twitter, you would already be friends with Satan. I know this, because @sataninsingsing AKA Satan is following me. And Satan thinks I am funny. Don’t take my word for it. Satan tweeted this to me in person, quote: “I ONLY follow cool people. Y’all have to make me laugh to join my list.” Of course, Satan also thinks @whoremongers, @ellie159, @PolyesterPony, and @whejas are worth following, but I to think that I am foremost in the group of people Satan is currently laughing at.

Another concern you may have regarding this blatant ploy for access to the powers of evil might be that trip to hell they discussed during Catechism or Vacation Bible School. Don’t worry about it. Satan has reassured me that, “my hell is AWESOME. We have booze, snacks, and lots of laughs.” Religious leaders will only tell you about the fire and brimstone, never about the snacks.

Being on Satan’s short list is quite the accomplishment. @PolyesterPony stated it best, exclaiming in all caps, “SATAN THINKS I’M COOL.” You can’t get a much higher recommendation than that. You might try to go the other route and befriend a Saint, or even Jesus, but these people will never think you are cool. They want to hang out with individuals who are charitable, benevolent, and know how to sing. They don’t even care if you are cool. Is that what you want? To NOT be cool? I didn’t think so.

Also, if you are friends with Satan, you get to go to all the after-hours Rapture parties. I hear they’re the best. Plus, @jason_mraz might be playing. Satan is following him too.

Oh.. and don't forget to visit Satan's Blog: http://www.satangoestosingsing.com/ (OF COURSE Satan has a blog). You have to make time for these things when you are ruler of the underworld.

How to Select a Pet while Predicting the Future

2011-06-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

Selecting a pet for a seven-year-old boy is not an easy task, but lucky for me, I have psychic abilities. Yes, it is true. I can see the future rolling out directly before my eyes. Allow me to demonstrate.

I am standing in PetSmart, staring at hermit crab homes and accessories. Pet stores are terrible these days. They have thousands of accessories, but no hermit crabs. Where I am supposed to get the main element of the hermit crab scenario? Just as I am in the middle of pondering this conundrum, a PetSmart employee approaches. He has huge black corks in his earlobes. I don’t know about you, but cork earlobes speak volumes to me about a person’s qualifications in selecting a pet for my seven-year old. This is clearly the guy who will tell me how it is. And so we begin our path to pet enlightenment.

Cork-ear-guy: Can I help you?

Me: I am looking for a pet for a seven-year-old. What would you recommend?

Cork-ear-guy: How about a beta fish? (This is disappointing. I was hoping for something a bit more daring from a guy stretching huge holes into his earlobes.)

Me: That is kind of lame. How is he going to hold a fish? What do you think of hermit crabs?

Cork-ear-guy: They can pinch pretty hard.

Okay… now this is where the physic abilities come into play. Even though I am actually having a conversation with a cork-ear PetSmart employee, I can clearly see the hermit crab pinching off my son’s finger with a claw, placing us all in the middle of a crowded emergency room. I realize at this point, that I do not want to be holding severed finger in a waiting room.

Me: How hard do they pinch?

Cork-ear-guy: Sometimes they can draw blood.

New psychic scenario… I see myself again. This time, I am not in an emergency room holding a severed finger. I am in my home. I am mopping blood off the floor. Mopping blood is still pretty gross and time consuming. Hermit crabs are out.

Next, cork-ear-guy suggests a lizard. As we look into a cage at some tiny green creatures, he tells me that only trouble with a lizard is the start up cost for the cage and lamp, minimally, about $100. Suddenly, one of the green creatures takes a flying leap across the cage. They are quick little devils. In my next psychic vision, I see an escaped lizard roaming through the house at night while a $100 cage and lamp sit idly by. The lizard will terrorize our hallways for years. On the other hand, the cage and lamp we might be able to sell on Craig's List for around ten dollars.

Suddenly, a fish floating in a $3 bowl seems like a good idea. I have seen the future of my son’s pet ownership. It involves a fish eventually being flushed down a toilet. At least I won’t be in a waiting room holding a severed finger.

If anyone has any better pet ideas than the cork-ear guy at PetSmart, feel free to suggest an animal a seven-year-old can be responsible for without too much damage to the animal. Or, for that matter, the seven-year-old.

How to Identify Post-Modern Hippies

2011-06-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

The Traditional Hippie

Hippies used to be easy to identify based on their long hair, head bands, and their constant state of being high on hallucinogens. However, the post-modern hippie is not that easy to weed out from the normal population. One of the main reasons behind this trend is that there is less money in peace and free love than there was in the 70s, resulting in a large majority of hippies now having office jobs. Escalating this issue, the business casual dress code common in many workplaces makes hippies impossible to identify by on appearance alone.

The Post-Modern Hippie

According to @izzabiff, eminent post-modern hippie expert, “The post-modern hippie can slip under the radar. They can look normal… but it’s all about ‘health food’ and ‘yoga.’ If you unexpectedly find yourself in a post-modern hippie encounter, it is important not to panic. @izzabiff recommends that you stay calm and “back away slowly.”

The following clues will aid you in identifying the post-modern hippies in your workplace.

Clue Number One: Individual is vegan. If a person can’t eat jello because it used to be a horse, you are dealing with a post-modern hippie. Back away slowly.

Clue Number Two: Individual brings strange food into the workplace. If someone seems delighted that their swamp-green algae protein shake is still in the freezer, you are dealing with a post-modern hippie. Back away slowly.

Sometimes it is important to consider the motivation behind bringing strange food or beverages into the workplace. Questions like this one can help you identify post-modern hippies BEFORE they ask you to yoga class. Consider the following scenario:

Co-worker sends email announcing that she has brought in homemade soymilk for everyone to ‘enjoy.’ Why did your co-worker bring in homemade soy milk? Choose carefully from the statements below:

A. She is Vietnamese and celebrating her ethnic heritage

B. Over-the-counter soymilk sold in grocery stores is not organic enough

C. Over-the-counter soymilk sold in grocery stores has too many preservatives

And the answer is… it doesn’t matter. Normal people DO NOT make their own soymilk. Only a post-modern hippie would spend an evening juicing soybeans for people to put in their herbal tea. For that matter, only a post-modern hippie would consume soymilk. You should immediately dust the soymilk container for prints to weed out the rest of the hippies.

If you find yourself surrounded by post-modern hippies, you may find it necessary to try to blend in. If they think you are one of them, they won't attack. This t-shirt should be enough to convince the hippies. It is 100% dairy free.

Please feel free to contribute more ways to identify post-modern hippies in the workplace. Knowledge is power.

Watching Sports is Easy

2011-05-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

A comprehensive guide to watching sports with your friends, family, or significant other.

1. Feign Attention: Generally, not even avid sports fans have their eyes glued to the game at all times as they need to occasionally locate chips and beer. You can feign attention by looking up at the game in intervals. To increase effectiveness, listen for cheering or groaning/yelling type noises. These are indicators that something important has happened in the game.

2. Participate in Sports Conversation: I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “but I don’t know anything about sports. “ The great part of following my plan is that you don’t HAVE to know anything. Simply wait until the sports commentators say stuff, then repeat the last sentence. Allow me to demonstrate by turning my television to ESPN. Hang on.... okay, here we go, “If one of these guys find his game, the Bulls are in position to win.” See… I have no idea what that means.

3. Choose appropriate clothing. Most people will show up dressed in attire and colors symbolizing the team they are screaming at. Since these colors and logos can vary, I suggest purchasing my ‘Go Team’ t-shirt. The black and white color and lack of logo mean overall support for any team or sport. As an added advantage, you will be more promptly notified when the game is over and it is time to leave. Now you can catch up on your blog, or that book you’ve been trying to finish.